Sitcom Fan Fiction: LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (Part 3)


A Scene From: LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (Part 3)
By Jeffery Self

Theodore ‘Beaver’ Cleaver (Jerry Mathers) and Larry Mondello (Robert ‘Rusty’ Stevens) arrive at Hill Crest Cafe, a local sandwich shop. Beaver is wearing his best Sunday suit and his Dad’s overcoat and hat. Both are far too big for him. There are various tables filled with lunching patrons. Its the fifties so people a lot of woman are wearing hats. Thank God. The two boys look around the cafe.

LARRY:
There’s Mike Watson’s mom walking to the counter.

BEAVER:
Oh. Its so tragic what happened to her.

LARRY:
What happened?

BEAVER:
Boating accident.

We see a woman walking to the counter with an enormous ship anchor stuck through her leg. She’s dressed in an attractive 1950’s suit and appears to be managing with the anchor. Like a woman who’s learned to live with tragedy. Make lemons out of lemonade, says her demeanor and jaunty 1950’s sweater set. It’s an odd costume expense on the part of the producer’s, seeing as though we will not see this woman again for the rest of the episode. One day in a book about the making of the show, someone admit that the character and costume were a part of an oddly planned inside joke on one of the writers, who had recently lost his wife in a boating accident.

LARRY:
Where’s your date?

BEAVER:
She said she’d be at a table with a copy of ‘Pride and Prejduce’.

LARRY:
God. Don’t you think that’s a little on the nose?

BEAVER:
How so?

LARRY:
Well, I’m only eleven and I’m not quite sure why I say that now but…. I feel like when I look back on you meeting a strange single adult woman for a lunch date via a nickel ad….. who’s main locating feature is a copy of ‘Pride and Prejuduce’…. I’m gonna think to myself….. STEREOTYPE.

BEAVER:
Oh! There she is!

Seated at a table beside the window, we see Gladys Phillborne, a slightly heavy, straight laced looking woman in her mid thirties. Her hair is pulled into a bun and she wears big glasses. She stares out the window, tapping her fingers on the tattered copy of ‘Pride and Prejuduce’

LARRY:
Yikes. In what world does she look like Doris Day? Maybe Doris Day after Howard Keel got really screwed up and knocked her around a little bit.

BEAVER:
Larry!

LARRY:
What? Do YOU think she looks anything like Doris Day?

BEAVER:
No but…..

LARRY:
But what?

BEAVER:
But….. I don’t know. What should I do? I can’t leave her just sitting there all day.

LARRY:
Well….

BEAVER:
I’m just gonna go up and talk to her. Stick to Grandpa’s book. And have some lunch.

LARRY:
This ought to be rich. Look, if I don’t come home for lunch today my Mom’s gonna get really mad. I haven’t been home since last Tuesday.

BEAVER:
Where have you been?

LARRY:
(Looking around with an air suspicion and mystery)

Oh. Here and there.

Larry exits. It is the last time we Larry again in the show’s history. The writers make it a point not to deal with the topic of Beaver’s missing best friend. However, years later the American public will learn that it was due to an immigration issue that the actor, Robert ‘Rusty’ Stevens had to leave the country. No one even knew he was Yugoslavian to begin with. Beaver approaches the Gladys’ table. She looks at him.

GLADYS:
(Confused)

Hi?

BEAVER:
Hi.

GLADYS:
Can I help you?

BEAVER:
I think you can. Is that….. ‘Pride and Prejuduce’?

GLADYS:
(Suspicious)

It is….

BEAVER:
May I have a seat?

GLADYS:
Well, I’m sort of waiting on someone-

BEAVER:
(Sitting down)

I know. That’s me.

GLADYS:
Huh?

BEAVER:
I’m….. Greg. From the phone call. I answered your nickel ad.

GLADYS:
(Shocked)

Oh my God.

BEAVER:
Its alright. I know I’m not what you’re expecting-

GLADYS:
Well, that’s an-

BEAVER:
But if I can be so frank, I’d hardly compare you to Doris Day.

Gladys is both shocked and offended.

BEAVER:
Have you ordered lunch yet?

GLADYS:
Uh…. uh…. no….

A gum chewing waitress arrives.

WAITRESS:
Can I get your order?

BEAVER:
(He’s transformed himself into a smooth talking, suave, cigar smoking, playboy)

Sure darlin’. I’ll take your club sandwich and my gal over here will have your….. you like onion rings?

GLADYS:
Not really, could I have the-

BEAVER:
Ha. She’ll have the onion rings. And that’ll be all.

The waitress walks away.

GLADYS:
But I was gonna have the soup and grilled cheese-

BEAVER:
Oh come on, doll…. you don’t want soup.

GLADYS:
But I did-

BEAVER:
(He has opened his Grandpa’s guide book in his lap and looks down to reference it)

So…. what does your father do?

GLADYS:
Uh…. my father passed away a couple years ago.

BEAVER:
Yikes. So who do you live with?

GLADYS:
On my own. Well, I’ve got a cat named Cracker Jack but I don’t think she likes me. She gives me these mean glares that say ‘If you ever left a window open I’d jump. I don’t care what floor this is. It’d be worth the risk’. Its funny. Cracker Jack really seemed to like me when I first got her.

BEAVER:
Wait. Wait. Wait. You’re telling me that you….. an unwed woman of your age….. lives…. alone?

GLADYS:
Uh huh.

BEAVER:
(Flipping through the guide book)

Is that even legal?

GLADYS:
Yes. I do. I guess thats partly why I put that blurb in the nickel ads-

BEAVER:
Of course. To find a husband who will support you and give your life some structure-

GLADYS:
Well. I don’t know about that. I guess I’m just feeling lonely. I feel like I’m either home with my nose stuck in a book or all work work work…. nothing more, y’know?

BEAVER:
Work? What do you do? Secretary?

GLADYS:
No I-

BEAVER:
Waitress?

GLADYS:
No-

BEAVER:
Nurse?

GLADYS:
No. I’m….. a scientist.

BEAVER:
(Bursting into laughter)

Oh come on! COME ON! You’re kidding! Right? Right?!

GLADYS:
(Completely uncomfortable)

Uh….. no…. I am-

BEAVER:
You’re trying to tell me that they’re letting women become scientists now?!

GLADYS:
I am so confused by everything that is going on right now-

BEAVER:
You’re a nice chick…. don’t you think you be settling down, finding-

GLADYS:
I just wanted to meet somebody to spend some time with, have some fun. God knows Cracker Jack won’t even look at me. I posted that nickel ad to try and spice up my life. I realized a couple days ago that I might drop dead in ten, twenty, who knows how many years…. days…. whatever…. and that I’ve never once felt like I really live. I guess I just wanna let my hair down for once.

BEAVER:
Well letting your hair down might be a good first start to something.

Gladys, out of an act of severe desperation and weakness, removes a clip from her bun and lets her flat, dull hair fall down to her shoulders. It is an enormous moment for Gladys’ ego and soul. She looks at Beaver nervously with fear and sadness in her eyes. All she wants is some approval from somebody, something.

BEAVER:
Well. Maybe not.

Gladys is completely humiliated. She begins to cry and tries to quickly pull her hair back into the bun. If she were braver she’d run out of the cafe.

BEAVER:
(Reading directly from the book)

Heel Woman!

GLADYS:
Please stop-

BEAVER:
(More from book)

Woman what you need is a master!

GLADYS:
STOP IT! Stop! You sound just like Daddy did. Well its a new decade! And I just wanna have some fun! Is that such a crime? All I wanted was to try something new and maybe just this once feel a little less lonely. And when you walked up to this table today, I thought….. Oh God. Am I about to go all the way with an eleven year old boy? And wanna know something crazy? I thought- sure. I think thats something I can do. Because I want to live. To feel…. I don’t know…. special for just once. But no…. you’re…. a….. monster…. an eleven year old monster! Well, I can’t stay here another minute because this isn’t living. This isn’t living at all!!!!!!!!

She takes a glass of milk and throws it in Beaver’s face, she storms out flustered and a maniac. It is unclear if the producer’s intention was to scare single women into just getting married all ready or if they thought this situation would prove some amusing comedy stylings. Overall, however, the episode more so just confuses people. The actress playing Gladys, will not work again for thirty five years until she is cast as an estranged cousin who makes wacky hats on ‘Gimme a Break’. She is fired after the first day of shooting and eventually dies in obscurity in 2006. Just then Wally rushes in, also covered in milk.

WALLY:
Beav! Stop whatever it is you’re doing!

BEAVER:
(Looking up completely covered in milk)

You’re too late.

WALLY:
Jeez. Grandpa’s book was totally wrong.

BEAVER:
I think it was just a little out of date-

WALLY:
I’ll say, you should’ve seen what I did to Angela’s black neighbor.

BEAVER:
I don’t think I should’ve posted that nickel ad.

WALLY:
Probably not. But we learned an important lesson today, Beav.

BEAVER:
To respect women as our equals?

WALLY:
Oh. Yea. I guess we did learn that.

BEAVER:
What were you gonna say?

The police enter and look around the cafe.

WALLY:
(Seeing the cops and ducking down into the chair)

I learned that certain things in Grandpa’s book are seen assault and battery nowadays…. and that page forty seven is even considered a felony.

Wally quickly runs out of the cafe, the police chase after him.

BEAVER:
(Turning to page forty seven, he laughs to himself and shakes his head)

Haha. Yep. That certainly IS a felony, Wally. It certainly is.

The end.

About these ads
Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized

Tags:

You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: