Sitcom Fan Fiction: ‘Step by Step’
We return to the Lambert/Foster living room mid-afternoon. Carol (Suzanne Sommers) and Frank (Patrick Duffy) are sitting on the sofa, watching television, for the first time in weeks…. maybe even months….. they are alone, just the two of them…. no kids, no pesky phone calls from the beauty shop for Carol, the house is quiet…. like a house can only be quiet on a Wednesday afternoon at 2:25PM. The television is playing in the background, on it, an episode of Sally Jessy Raphael who is talking to a group of women that train seals. Carol barely pays attention while Frank is utterly engrossed. Carol is taking in the serene peace that is…. the empty house.
This is nice.
(Shaking his head in disbelief)
I know. How do you get a seal to make you coffee? This absolutely incredible!
NO! (She punches him the arm, lightly, playfully, she giggles) You Dense Denny! I’m talking about this. Us. The house.
Carol, honey. We’ve lived in this house for six years and you’re just now noticing it’s NICE?!
NO! (She punches him in the arm again, still playfully but this time a tad bit harder) You Slow Poke Joke! I’m talking about the fact that its 2:45 in the afternoon… and you and I are both home and NO kids are anywhere in sight.
Oh. (He sits up from the sofa and looks around) Nobody? Not Dana? Not even Cody?
(Mouthing the words with a big shit eating grin like only Suzanne Somers can do)
(She rolls over next to him and giggles again. She’s a school girl after one sip of her mother’s champagne at her Aunt Laura’s second wedding. She slaps his shoulder and kisses his cheek)
(Still watching the TV)
How does a seal even learn where she keeps the creamer?! Does it actually know what a refrigerator IS?
FRAAAAAAANK! (Poking him in the arm with the remote control)
Can you turn that off for a second and listen to me?
In a minute Carol-
But Frank…. the kids will be home any minute. Lets just enjoy the peace and quiet for a spell.
Yea. Yea. I’ll pick them up.
(She pokes him with the remote control again. She pouts…. half playfully…. half seriously)
(Laughing hysterically at the TV)
HA! Sugar! Is that not the cutest thing you’ve EVER seen?! That little seal with that cute little spoonful of sugar!
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST FRANK!
(She grabs the remote control and bashes it against his head really really really really hard. Frank doesn’t notice but when Carol retracts the controller there is blood all over it and her hand. She notices this and is utterly speechless. She leaps off the sofa and walks backward, terrified, shaking, in shock….. Frank is still sitting up watching the TV with great interest but he is now eerily quiet and still heavily bleeding. Carol backs her way up the stairs onto the center landing and stands, breathing heavily, shaking her head, and mouthing “No”. Just then the front door opens and Dana, Alicia, and Karen walk in with their backpacks. They walk in and look at Frank, then over at Carol…. trembling on the stairs, with the bloody remote and hands…. then back at Frank, who’s head and shirt are both pretty covered in blood by now….. then back at Carol….. then back at Frank. There is silence….. Dana blinks twice and says:
How did you two manage to be home alone?!
(The audience bursts into enormous laughter. Dana is such a loveable bimbo, someone at home says to their family…. the three girls run to join Frank watching Sally Jessy Raphael on the sofa. The musical theme begins, STEP BY STEP…. DAY BY DAY (DAAAAAY BY DAAAAAY) the camera pans out to commercial, and just before we go to black Dana squeals:
Ha! A seal baking biscotti. Now I’ve seen everything.
(The audience lets out giant laughter)
CUT TO: COMMERCIAL
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