Sitcom Fan Fiction: Family Matters

A Scene from: FAMILY MATTERS
By Jeffery Self
Camera pans into the Winslow Living Room. It’s mid-afternoon and the resident Grandma, Mother Winslow (Rosetta LeNoire) is sitting on the sofa, feet propped up, watching a game show. She’s very much enjoying herself. The front door opens and Aunt Rachel Crawford (Telma Hopkins) comes in. She’s wearing a large blazer with big shoulder pads and a big bulky purse. Something is clearly bothering her. She enters and walks through living room without noticing Mother Winslow.

MOTHER:
‘Afternoon to you too Rachel.

RACHEL:
(Distracted)

Sorry, Mother Winslow. Is Harriet home?

MOTHER:
(Mocking her for no apparent reason whatsoever)

Is Harriet home?!

The audience laughs.

RACHEL:
(Giving her a look as if to say ‘Why are you mocking me?’)

Yea. Is Harriet home?

MOTHER:
(As if nothing ever happened)

I don’t think so dear.

Teenage daughter, Laura Winslow (Kellie Shanygne Williams) comes down the stairs on her way out.

RACHEL:
Laura. Is your mother home?

LAURA:
(Mocking her with the same tone that Grandma used)

Is your mother home?!

The audience goes NUTS.

RACHEL:
(Looking around like…. ‘What the hell is going on here’)

Yea. Is she?

LAURA:
(Back to normal)

Aw. Nope I don’t think so.

RACHEL:
Where are you headed?

LAURA:
I’m meeting some friends at the mall.
(She takes Aunt Rachel by the hand and pulls her close)

Leroy Cabell is gonna be there. If he doesn’t ask me to prom I’m gonna drown myself in my bathtub tonight.

The audience laughs again, but Laura continues staring into Aunt Rachel’s eyes in a very alarming way. Eventually the audience’s laughter dies down and the mood turns uncomfortable. Laura breaks the stare with a long giggle and exits. Rachel, feeling a bit thrown off by that exchange and the rest of her day, sits down in the chair next to Mother Winslow. She rubs her temples. Its been a long day.

MOTHER:
There are some beers in the fridge if you want one. I’ve had four since lunch.

She holds up three fingers and smiles. The audience laughs like “HaHa! Grandmothers don’t drink beer! This woman is so street smart!”

RACHEL:
Uh. I think I’ll pass.

The front door opens and Harriet (JoMarie Payton) enters with her arms full of groceries.

RACHEL:
(Getting up)

Harriet! I’ve been looking for you. Here, let me help you!

She walks over and grabs a few of the bags from Harriet and helps her sit everything down.

HARRIET:
(Worn out)

OOOOO! Word to the wise. If you’re gonna carry your groceries all eleven blocks home…. don’t buy three gallons of milk.

The audience laughs because they SO get that kinda thing.

RACHEL:
Harriet, I need to talk to you about something.

HARRIET:
Uh oh. Anytime somebody says they need to talk to you about something…. it usually ain’t the weather!

Again, the audience really laughs because they SO get that kinda thing too.

RACHEL:
Can we talk…. (looking over at Mother Winslow) in private?

MOTHER:
Don’t mind me. I’ve heard everything in my time…. and the stuff I haven’t heard probably won’t make much sense to me anyways. I’ve had six beers since breakfast.

She holds up two fingers. The audience laughs.

HARRIET:
Come help me put this stuff away.

They move into the kitchen and right before the camera moves from the living room Mother Winslow says:

MOTHER:
(Wistfully. Strangely. To no one in particular)

Just once before I die I’m gonna have ice cream for breakfast.

The camera cuts to inside the kitchen. RACHEL and HARRIET are putting away the groceries.

HARRIET:
I got everything I need to make a homemade apple pie tonight.

RACHEL:
Mmmm. Sounds good.

HARRIET:
What did you wanna talk to me about?

RACHEL:
Well. I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna come out with it….. I’m pregnant.

Harriet drops the carton of eggs. The audience laughs.

HARRIET:
(Delivering her line almost directly into the camera)

We’re gonna need more eggs.

The audience laughs even harder.

RACHEL:
I just got back from the doctor a few minutes ago. I’m two months pregnant.

HARRIET:
How? Who? When?

RACHEL:
That’s the thing…. I don’t know.

HARRIET:
You don’t know?!

RACHEL:
I mean….. I have an idea. Its one of a small group of possible men…

HARRIET:
How small?

RACHEL:
Small…..

HARRIET:
Meaning…..?

RACHEL:
Twelve.

Harriet drops the carton of milk. It goes everywhere. The audience laughs even harder than before.

HARRIET:
(Almost into the camera again)

We’re gonna need more milk.

The audience cannot get enough.

HARRIET:
Twelve different men in TWO MONTHS?! Rachel! What are you?! A Hampton Inn?!

This audience is getting their money’s worth as far as laughs are concerned, thats for certain.

RACHEL:
It’s been a lonely two months…. what with the holidays and all…..

HARRIET:
What holidays?

RACHEL:
Memorial Day and The Fourth of July.

The audience chuckles.

HARRIET:
(Shaking her head and sitting Rachel down at the table)

Honey. What are you gonna do?

RACHEL:
(Somber)

I don’t know. I…. don’t know.

HARRIET:
Well. Do you want my advice?

RACHEL:
I do.

HARRIET:
I think you ought to find out who the father is.

RACHEL:
And then?

HARRIET:
And then….. thats gotta be your decision. But before you do ANYTHING…. I think you ought to find out who that baby’s father is.

RACHEL:
(She sighs)

You’re right. God. I really need a new hobby.

The audience and Harriet laugh.


The backdoor opens and Laura enters very upset. She rushes by.

HARRIET:
Laura? You okay?

LAURA:
No. Leroy Cabell asked Lisa to the prom. I’m going to take a very very very long bath!

She rushes up the stairs and Harriet shakes her head.

HARRIET:
Teenagers.

Harriet and Rachel share a laugh. Just then Steve Urkel moonwalks into the frame from out of nowhere, he stops in front of the the spilt milk and broken eggs, he looks down, he looks at Rachel and Harriet, then to the audience and delivers his catch phrase:

STEVE URKEL:
Did I do that?!

The audience erupts into a hurricane of laughter and applause. It’s the reason they came to begin with. It goes on for nearly five minutes. Rachel has returned to putting groceries away. She’s holding a large can of tomato sauce, then realizes something and grabs Harriet.

RACHEL:
Did Laura say she was taking a bath?

HARRIET:
Uh huh.

Rachel drops the large can of tomato sauce and runs upstairs. The sauce goes EVERYWHERE.

HARRIET:
(Almost into the camera again)

We’re gonna need more tomato sauce!

Laughter.

TO BE CONTINUED

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3 Comments on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: Family Matters”

  1. brendan Says:

    I am continually surprised how much I enjoy your sitcom fan fiction! The conveying of audience feelings really sells this one.

  2. Ryan Says:

    Still waiting for my Murder, She Wrote… still waiting…

  3. Alaina Says:

    What’s going to happen to Laura!!?


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