Sitcom Fan Fiction: Family Matters PART TWO
Previously on “Family Matters” Montage
(For those of you who are too lazy to just scroll down and read the first part of this episode)
CUT TO: Laura (Kellie Shanygne Williams) and Aunt Rachel (Telma Hopkins) standing in the living room. Laura pulls Rachel in close.
I’m meeting some friends at the mall.
(She takes Aunt Rachel by the hand and pulls her close)
Leroy Cabell is gonna be there. If he doesn’t ask me to prom I’m gonna drown myself in my bathtub tonight.
The audience laughs and Laura keeps holding her strange stare at Rachel.
The Montage cuts to Rachel and Harriet (JoMarie Payton) in the kitchen.
Well. I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna come out with it….. I’m pregnant.
Harriet drops the carton of eggs. The audience laughs.
(Delivering her line almost directly into the camera)
We’re gonna need more eggs.
The Montage cuts to later in the same scene:
Before you do ANYTHING…. I think you ought to find out who that baby’s father is.
The grotesquely on the nose “Family Matters” Theme and Title Credits begin. The camera pans into the hallway outside of the Winslow’s upstairs bathroom. Rachel (Telma Hopkins) is knocking on the bathroom door.
Laura, honey. Come out of there.
There is silence, just the sound of a bathtub running
LAURA! Do you hear me?!
(Now pounding on the door)
Carl Winslow (Reginald Vel Johnston) walks by.
(Shaking his head)
You’re gonna be waiting all day. I’ve seen that girl spend two hours in the bathroom before.
The audience laughs because teenage girls, as mass generalization, spend a long time in bathrooms getting ready and thats something the audience can identify with.
And that was BEFORE we bought that curling iron!
The audience laughs again. The curling iron really sold that one because a lot of the people in the audience have teenage daughters and a lot of those daughters have curling irons.
No! Carl! Earlier today, Laura told me she was gonna drown herself in the bathtub if Leroy Cabell didn’t ask her to the prom.
I’m sure he will and besides-
That’s the thing, Carl. He didn’t ask her to the prom. He asked somebody else!
Carl looks closely into Rachel’s eyes for a moment. Thinks about it. Then goes into a comically over the top panic.
(Beating on the door)
Laura! LAURA! Open the door! OPEN THAT DOOOOOOR!!!!!!! LAURA!!!!!!!
Harriet (JoMarie Payton) enters
CARL! You know good and well that girl can spend all day in a bathroom. Just this morning I had to walk down to the 7-11 just to brush my teeth and when I got back she STILL wasn’t out yet.
The audience laughs again but they’ll be the first to admit that the “teenager girls take a long time in the bathroom” joke is getting a little old.
No! Harriet. Rachel thinks Laura is trying to drown herself in the bathtub because Leroy Cabell didn’t ask her to prom.
He asked Lisa.
(Suddenly joining the panic)
Somebody get an ax. I’m gonna break the door down!
(Beating on the door)
Laura Winslow. Open this door right this minute. Leroy Cabell is no good anyway. You can do better than Leroy Cabell! You’re the prettiest girl at that school! Now come on out! Laura! Come out of there!
That’s it. I’m getting the ax.
Carl rushes off.
(To the door. Attempting a softer approach)
Laura. Honey. When I was your age, I never could get a date to the prom…. nobody would ask me and one year I got so desperate I asked somebody myself. Remember him Harriet? Eddie Watson…. captain of the Chinese Checkers Team. He’d tried out for Chess but wasn’t popular enough.
The audience laughs.
We went to the prom and everybody laughed at us. He couldn’t dance to save his life and he showed up in the ugliest blue tuxedo with green shoes and a purple top hat. He looked like an Easter egg. I overheard everybody making fun of us all night and eventually I told him I had to go to the bathroom and I climbed out the window. I ran and ran away from that high school gym until I thought my feet were gonna fall off and I ended up at this bar down out by the highway…. called The Twisted Knot. Terrible place. Dirty, dark, barely could see cause of all the cigarette smoke. I walked in and ordered a drink…. I’d never had a drink before. I said a whiskey straight up. I didn’t know what it was and the taste was something terrible but I drank the whole thing. I ended up in a bathroom stall with this guy named Buzz, and ever since that night I can’t walk by a bar near a highway, or near a recognizable street, or an open sign…. without going home with some guy. Why just two months ago I got to feeling old and lonely again…. so I went back in The Twisted Knot and sure as I’m standing here, there was old Buzz sitting at the bar. We had a couple drinks, shared some laughs, and went back to that same old stall. I left just as unhappy as I was the first time I walked outta there and I realized…. ever since nobody asked me to prom I’ve never been capable of being happy.
Harriet has been giving Rachel a look as if to say “What the hell are you trying to do?” for the past few minutes. The audience laughs. They’re uncomfortable but Harriet Winslow knows how to GIVE A LOOK, so they can’t help it. A couple different people wonder how JoMarie Payton never won an Emmy for her performance, let alone a nomination. Oh well. There’s still time, somebody says. Carl enters with an ax.
Get out of the way! Laura! Stand back!
Carl begins hacking at the door with the ax. Wood chips fly everywhere. The door busts open and Laura is no where in sight. The bathroom window is open and written on the mirror in lipstick it says:
TAKING AUNT RACHEL’S ADVICE.
AT THE TWISTED KNOT. – LAURA
Harriet, Rachel, and Carl gasp.
I’ll get my keys!
Harriet and Carl follow after her. The screen is empty for a moment, then Steve Urkell (Jaleel White) moonwalks by, looks down at the broken door and ax, and says:
Did I do that?!
The audience, like a group of trained seals before an offering of chunks of bloody salmon, go ape shit. The cheers continue as we go to commercial.
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