Sitcom Fan Fiction: ‘Family Matters’ – The Final Part


A Scene from: FAMILY MATTERS
By Jeffery Self

Previously on Family Matters

CUT TO: Laura (Kellie Shanygne Williams) and Aunt Rachel (Telma Hopkins) standing in the living room. Laura pulls Rachel in close.

LAURA:
I’m meeting some friends at the mall.
(She takes Aunt Rachel by the hand and pulls her close)

Leroy Cabell is gonna be there. If he doesn’t ask me to prom I’m gonna drown myself in my bathtub tonight.

Cut to Rachel and Harriet (JoMarie Payton) in the kitchen.

RACHEL:
Well. I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna come out with it….. I’m pregnant.

HARRIET:
Before you do ANYTHING…. I think you ought to find out who that baby’s father is.

CUT TO: Laura storming into the kitchen and up the stairs

LAURA:
Leroy Cabell asked Lisa to the prom. I’m going to take a very very very long bath!

CUT TO: Rachel, Harriet, and Carl beating on the bathroom door.

ALL:
LAURA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RACHEL:
Laura. Honey. When I was your age, I never could get a date to the prom.

Cut to later, because in the previous episode Rachel delivered a monologue that was like WAAAAAAY too long to ever actually go in a sitcom and that’s because we as American audiences are trained to have low attention spans. We’re also, as a rule, overweight. And greedy.

RACHEL:
Just two months ago I got to feeling old and lonely again…. so I went back in The Twisted Knot and sure as I’m standing here, there was old Buzz sitting at the bar. We had a couple drinks, shared some laughs, and went back to that same old stall. I left just as unhappy as I was the first time I walked outta there and I realized…. ever since nobody asked me to prom I’ve never been capable of being happy.

CUT TO:
Carl hacking the door down with an ax. A note from Laura is revealed, written on the mirror in lipstick.

TAKING AUNT RACHEL’S ADVICE.
AT THE TWISTED KNOT. – LAURA

RACHEL:
I’ll get my keys!

BACK TO THE EPISODE, FRIENDS AND BRETHREN!

We return after the commercial in the dingy bar; The Rusty Knot. The walls are covered in beer posters and the usual decorations you’d find in a bar who’s most expensive product is a bottle of Wild Turkey that’s been collecting dust since Jimmy Carter left office (that Goddamn Peanut Farmer!) There are a few sad bar patrons scattered throughout, mostly old men with beards and curious odors. The jukebox is playing an unidfentified country or pop song, It really doesn’t matter what song it is. So if…. say…. ABC is all “We wanna film these episodes, Jeffery” I can be all…. “Totally, guys. Do what you want with the text. Consider me just a carpenter of the house and you guys are the family moving in, painting the walls and putting up pictures of your dead realtives. Really give it YOUR THING, guys! Trust your instinct!”

Rachel rushes in. Everyone in the bar looks over at the door as she enters.

EVERYONE IN THE BAR:
(Cheering)
RACHEL!!!!!!!

RACHEL:
Hi guys.

The Bartender, JIMMY, played by a guy with a big honest grin and the hands of someone who’s worked since the day he was born, is cleaning a glass.

JIMMY:
Rachel! You can’t walk in here without your world famous Rusty Knot hello.

RACHEL:
(Clearly annoyed but really needing to get to why she came so she does it without much thought or feeling)

Toot Toot goes the Rachel train and she’s pulling in the station!

EVERYONE IN THE BAR:
(Leaning backward like they’re on a train thats stopping or doing the opening scene from “The Music Man”)
Woot Woot go the passengers and welcome to…. CHICAGO!!!!!!!

Everyone laughs, the way big groups of drunk people laugh together. The audience laughs the way a studio audience laughs. Rachel rushes up to the bar.

RACHEL:
Jimmy, you haven’t seen my niece Laura have you?

JIMMY:
Don’t suppose I have. What does she look like?

RACHEL:
Well for one, she’s sixteen.

EVERYONE IN THE BAR:
OOOOOOOOOOOO!

JIMMY:
(Calming the crowd down)

Come on fellas. No, Rachel. Haven’t had any sixteen year old girls come in here tonight.

A VERY OLD DRUNK MAN ON A STOOL AT THE BAR:
We ain’t even had any of those sixteen year old girls you think are twenty one, until you see their ID’s when you’re stealing money out of their wallet the next morning.

EVERYONE IN THE BAR:
Sure haven’t!

The audience laughs. Carl and Harriet run in.

HARRIET:
Is she here?!

RACHEL:
No.

HARRIET:
Nobody’s seen her?

RACHEL:
No but-

CARL:
Where the heck did that girl go?

RACHEL:
Maybe she hasn’t gotten here yet. Maybe she’s on the bus.

HARRIET:
The bus?!

CARL:
How would she even know how to ride a bus?!

RACHEL:
I’m just trying to come up with ideas that aren’t her lifeless body being thrown into some ditch with her face smashed in and her feet cut off like two bloody branches on a skinny sixteen year old birch tree!!!!!!

Harriet and Carl look at Rachel hurt and confused.

RACHEL:
Sorry. I’m just really nervous.

HARRIET:
Carl. Lets drive around this neighborhood. Maybe she’s out wandering around trying to find this place.

CARL:
Good idea. Besides, the onion rings in this place are making me doubt the diet I started after those three cheeseburgers from earlier.

The audience laughs. Carl Winslow, you silly pig!

HARRIET:
We’ll be back in a few minutes, Rachel.

The exit.

JIMMY:
Those the kid’s parents?

RACHEL:
Yea. Oh. Jimmy. I’m worried sick.

JIMMY:
What in the hell would make a sixteen year old girl run away to here?

RACHEL:
It’s a looooong story, Jimmy.

JIMMY:
Here. Have a drink. On the house. It’ll calm your nerves.

RACHEL:
I really shouldn’t. (No beat) Make it a double.

Audiences love those kinds of jokes. No matter who delivers them. Like, iCarly could say “Make it a double” at a malt shop (what the hell is a malt shop by the way?) and her audience would go nuts. Jimmy pours her drink and Rachel gulps it down super fast. The door opens and a young man enters. He’s clearly too young to be there, he awkwardly approaches the bar.

BOY:
(Trying his hardest to seem grown up)

Hey. Uh. Could I have a…. uh…. beer.

JIMMY:
(Not buying it)

What kind?

BOY:
Uh. Whatever.

JIMMY:
Got an ID, son?

BOY:
Sure.

He hands Jimmy an ID.

JIMMY:
June 19th, 1952?

BOY:
I look young for my age.

JIMMY:
Son-

BOY:
(Will try anything)

I moistureize!

JIMMY:
Kid-

BOY:
I was abducted by aliens when I was sixteen, so when I was returned to Earth I looked the same as when I was abducted. I might look young but in all actuality, I’m dying just like everyone else in here.

JIMMY:
Kid. Get out.

BOY:
Please! I’ve had the worst-

JIMMY:
GO!

The Boy begins to leave, an old bar patron at a table near the door stops him.

GLADYS:
Hey! Are you Jacob Cabell’s boy?

BOY:
Uh. No.

GLADYS:
Yea, you are. Leeroy. Leeroy Cabell. I work for your Daddy and if he knew you were in here he’d whip you blind. I know he would. I’ve seen him do it to the Mexicans that work for him.

The audience laughs. Apprently, they’re totally cool with hurting Mexicans. I, the writer, however, am not.

RACHEL:
(Rushing over to him)

Wait. Did you see Leeroy Cabell?

BOY:
Crap! Do you work for my Dad too? Since when did he start hiring so many women at the Chicago Dirt Emporium?

RACHEL:
Gladys. Let me talk to the boy.

GLADYS:
Somebody ought to. A boy his age in a bar like this! Jimmy, another whiskey and water…. but hold the water this time.

The audience laughs. If you’ll remember in the first part of this episode, they got a big kick out of Mother Winslow’s drinking habits. Clearly, this audience loves to see old ladies get drunk…. but then again, show me an audience that doesn’t and there’s a prize waiting for you.

BOY:
Lady, are you gonna hurt me?

RACHEL:
Do you know Laura Winslow?

BOY:
What? Whats going on here?! Do you work at the school? Oh crap. You’re that new science teacher that has threeways with students and live shell fish, aren’t you?!

RACHEL:
What?!

BOY:
Get away from me AP Biology Lobster Lady!

RACHEL:
NO! I’m Laura Winslow’s aunt. Rachel.

BOY:
Oh. How do you know who I am?

RACHEL:
Rachel was very upset when you didn’t ask her to the prom.

BOY:
She was?

RACHEL:
In fact, that’s why I’m here. She freaked out, locked herself in the bathroom, and then left us a note saying she’d run away to here.

BOY:
Why here?

THE OLD MAN AT THE BAR FROM EARLIER, NOW EVEN DRUNKER:
HEEEEY, Rachel! WOOT WOOT and Welcome to Chicago!!!!

He falls over laughing.

RACHEL:
Thats a long story.

BOY:
Geez. I wanted to ask Laura to the prom-

RACHEL:
You did?

BOY:
Yea. But I didn’t think she’d actually say yes. Laura is like…. the prettiest girl in school. Every guy there wants to be her prom date.

RACHEL:
She went to the mall today expecting you to ask her and then found out you were taking Kim instead.

BOY:
Wow. I wish I woulda known. She barely ever talks to me.

RACHEL:
It’s not too late to ask her-

BOY:
Sorta. I already asked somebody else.

RACHEL:
Cancel.

BOY:
What?! I can’t do that.

RACHEL:
Sure you can.

BOY:
What about Kim?

RACHEL:
I’m not Kim’s aunt. I’m Laura’s.

BOY:
I’ve dreamt about slowing dancing with Laura Winslow since I first laid eyes on her freshmen year.

LAURA enters the bar. She’s clearly been on a wild adventure getting here and looks it. She marches into the bar and when she sees Rachel and Leeroy is shocked. Wouldn’t you be?

RACHEL:
There she is. Go ask her.

LAURA:
Aunt Rachel? Leeroy?

RACHEL:
Leeroy has something to ask you. Y’all go outside!

Confused, Laura follows Leeroy outside. As they go, Rachel’s old beau Buzz enters. It’s not that he HAS to be played by Beau Bridges, its just that Beau Bridges is the most perfect choice for the part. Just putting that out there. He sees Rachel.

BUZZ:
Rachel.

RACHEL:
Hey Buzz.

BUZZ:
Why haven’t you called me back? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for months.

RACHEL:
I know. I’m sorry. I’ve-

BUZZ:
That night we had…. two months back…. I thought that was really special.

RACHEL:
Me too, Buzz. I had missed you. I still miss you.

BUZZ:
Then why haven’t you called?

RACHEL:
Because…. well, Buzz. I’m pregnant.

Buzz’s eyes almost pop out of his head. He quickly turns, grabs his coat, and literally runs out of the bar like a cartoon. The audience laughs because I guess they think its funny to laugh at a pregnant woman being left by the baby’s father…. these people are cryptic and immature….. Rachel watches him go. She’s sad, then laughs a bit, at herself, at Buzz, at the whole thing. Laura reenters. Sad and rejected.

RACHEL:
Honey. What happened?

LAURA:
He told me he really didn’t want to go with me. He was just telling you he would because he wanted you to buy him beer.

Laura cries.

RACHEL:
Oh honey. I’m so sorry.

LAURA:
I can’t believe I fell for his crap.

RACHEL:
Shhhhhh. Baby. Don’t listen to him. You’ll be fine.

LAURA:
Who was that guy that just ran out the door mumbling your name over and over?

RACHEL:
Thats Buzz. He’s…. well Laura….. I’m pregnant.

LAURA:
Aunt Rachel! Congratulations!

RACHEL:
Thank you baby. And that man running at the speed of light was the baby’s father.

LAURA:
Oh no.

RACHEL:
What are ya gonna do?

Laura and Rachel look at each other. The expression on their faces tells us they’re both thinking “Men are Scum”. They grab hands and then embrace each other. It’s actually a really sweet moment which this audience doesn’t know what to do with. Just then Laura pulls out of the embrace and looks at the second drink Rachel is holding.

LAURA:
Aunt Rachel. If you’re pregnant….. whats in that drink?

Rachel gasps and drops the glass. It smashes into a million pieces. Just then Steve Urkel moonwalks by and says:

STEVE:
Did I do that?!

The audience, as they always do for good ole Steve, bursts into cheers and laughter. At first it’s irritating, and you’re like…. really? Again? But after a while it sorta grows on you and you sorta get why they’re cheering, why they’re laughing, and why they seem to love ‘Family Matters’ like its the greatest comedy ever made. And for that split second you think to yourself…. maybe it is.

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