Sitcom Fan Fiction: Dharma and Greg

By Jeffery Self

Dharma Finklestein Montgomery (Jenna Elfman) is seated, in meditation, in the middle of the living room of she and Greg’s bohemian apartment. She is in a deep place with her eyes closed. After a moment, Greg Montgomery (Thomas Gibson) walks out of the bedroom in his pajamas, yawning. He sees Dharma in her meditation and makes a point to tip toe to the kitchen, he makes himself a cup of coffee…. attempting not to make the slightest sound. With his coffee he tip toes across the living room again, going to the front door, slowly and quietly opening it to get the paper. He does so and quietly shuts the door. Again, tip toeing toward the bedroom. He’s almost made it without any disruption when someone knocks at the door. Without opening her eyes or taking any pause Dharma says:

Greg, could you get that?

The audience laughs. Dharma and Greg are such a delightfully mismatched couple.

(Shocked she knew he was there)

I was trying to be so- How’d you hear me?

(Opening her eyes and giving Greg a look)

Greg. Do you actually think I’m in some sort of meditative alternate universe? I only do this sort of thing so you’ll think I’m Bohemian enough to not notice my insecurities, eating disorders, and long standing lies I’ve told you since the day we met.

Greg gives her a quizical, shocked look. Dharma laughs.

I’m kiiiiiidding! But seriously, can you get that?

The audience sorta laughs. Greg wanders over to the door and opens it. It’s Greg’s Yuppy parents, Kitty (Susan Sullivan) and Edward Montgomery (Mitch Ryan). They’re dressed to the nines with Kitty in her usual Chanel suit and Edward in some sort of weekend Brooks Brothers number. Kitty carries a full Martini glass and Edward an empty Brandy snifter. They also have a large designer rolling suitcase.

(Giving Greg a peck on the cheek as she barges in, Edward follows her)

Good morning darling.

As usual on sitcoms, the audience laughs at the apparent alcoholism. I bet if Kitty and Edward entered shooting needles full of low grade heroin into their veins, there’d be a hell of a lot less laughter. Kitty notices Dharma on the floor

(Shielding her eyes)

Oh good heavens! Are we walking in on you two-

No, Mother!!!! Of course not. Dharma was- was-

– Sitting on the floor contemplating just how big a mistake it was to move in with “Can’t go two hours in the night without snoring like a basset hound Greg”!

Everyone looks at Dharma confused. Light laughter from the audience.

I’m kiiiiiiidding! I was meditating.

Oh dear. Greg, can you get your father a scotch?

It’s nine in the morning.

(Throwing her arms in the air exasperated)

Okay. Then a Port.

Greg shakes is head and leads his father into the kitchen.

Dharma, what are your and Greg’s weekend plans…. besides your lying in the middle of the floor with your eyes closed?

The audience laughs. Kitty and Dharma are as different as milk and orange juice but much like milk and orange juice, I enjoy both of them in the mornings (In some lucky parts of the USA ‘Dharma and Greg’ plays morning reruns on the local Fox affiliate)

We’re going to a Woodstock reinaction with Abby and Larry upstate.

A what?

Each year my parents go with a group of people to reinact the Woodstock concert. My mom gets to be Janice Joplin this year.

(Staring at her intensely)

I have no idea what anything you just said means.

The audience laughs. This show is all about odd couples. Greg and Edward reenter. Edward is drinking chocolate milk out of his brandy snifter.

Edward, that’s not Scotch.

It’s alright, Mom. We didn’t have any alcohol in the house so I crushed up a couple pain pills from my knee surgery and put them in milk. He can’t tell the difference.

(With an enormous smile, he licks his lips)

I really really can’t.

The audience laughs again. Pills are funny too, I guess.

Listen. Your father and I have just been invited up to Rupert Murdoch’s house in Maine. We’re leaving this afternoon. Would you mind taking care of things for us until Monday?

Of course not.

Good. Come on in Georgina.

A four year old Korean girl enters with a backpack.

This is Georgina. She belongs to Mary Elizabeth, that sweet little woman who cleans the kitchen on Thursdays. Mary Elizabeth got in a little trouble last week (mouthing the words) immigration…. and we’re supposed to be watching little Georgina here but….. well…. we’d rather go to Rupert Murdoch’s.

He just got one of the Hot Springs from Utah moved to his backyard in Maine!

The audience laughs because that’s impossible.

(Very quickly)

So. Georgina. This Dharma and Greg. Dharma and Greg, Georgina. Okay. Lovely to see you guys. Have a fun weekend.

(A sad little girl voice)

My name is Lily.

Right. Of course. Lily. (To herself) Why the hell did I think it was Georgina?

Mother. You can’t just-

(Tapping the martini glass with her fingernail and looking around)

AH! Is that my phone ringing? We better go!

Kitty and Edward run out.

Greg. What are we supposed to do with a four year old girl all weekend?

Why would anyone leave a four year old with my mother and father?

You were a four year old with your mother and father.

I know! That’s why I’m asking- why would you leave a four year old with my mother and father!?

The audience laughs…. not so much at the joke but more at the grimness that was Greg’s cold upper class upbringing.

What are we gonna do?

I guess we’re gonna have to bring her with us to the Woodstock reinaction.

Dharma and Greg make a “EEEEK” face at each other then turn and look at Lily who is standing there confused and scared.

Hi sweetie. I’m Dharma. And this is Greg. You’re Lily, not Georgina, right?

Uh huh.

Just then the door flies open. It’s Kitty, grabbing the rolling suitcase they left during their hasty escape earlier.

I just remembered. Georgina is the name of our gardener’s daughter! Silly me! She’s Mexican!

She slams the door and is gone. Dharma and Greg look at each other and shrug like…. I guess we gotta do this….. and by ‘this’ I mean, taking the kid to the Woodstock reinaction and continue living together even though it’s not as great as they had once expected it would be. Marriage is tough…. especially for two polar opposites like Dharma and Greg but then again, that’s what makes this MUST SEE TV! We cut to commercial. To be continued.

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One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: Dharma and Greg”

  1. Eric Says:

    adore it 🙂

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