Sitcom Fan Fiction: Dharma and Greg PART 2


A Scene from: DHARMA AND GREG
By Jeffery Self

Previously on ‘Dharma and Greg’

Greg’s yuppy Mother, Kitty Montgomery (Susan Sullivan), talking to Dharma (Jenna Elfman) in the living room of she and Greg’s bohemian apartment.

KITTY:
Dharma, what are your and Greg’s weekend plans?

DHARMA:
We’re going to a Woodstock reinaction with Abby and Larry upstate.

KITTY:
A what?

DHARMA:
Each year my parents go with a group of people to reinact the Woodstock concert. My mom gets to be Janice Joplin this year.

Cut to later in the scene. Kitty is talking to Greg (Thomas Gibson)

KITTY:
Listen. Your father and I have just been invited up to Rupert Murdoch’s house in Maine. We’re leaving this afternoon. Would you mind taking care of things for us until Monday?

GREG:
Of course not.

Kitty reveals a four year old Korean girl.

KITTY:
This is Georgina. She belongs to Mary Elizabeth, that sweet little woman who cleans the kitchen on Thursdays. Mary Elizabeth got in a little trouble last week (mouthing the words) immigration…. and we’re supposed to be watching little Georgina here but….. well…. we’d rather go to Rupert Murdoch’s.

Cut to later in the scene, Dharma and Greg are now alone with the young Korean child.

DHARMA:
What are we gonna do?

GREG:
I guess we’re gonna have to bring her with us to the Woodstock reinaction.

We return from commercial at The Woodstock Reinaction being held somewhere in Upstate New York, in a place that is not Woodstock but could reasonably pass for being so in a low budget movie about Woodstock (not that Ang Lee movie though, I’m pretty sure they used the real Woodstock…. I didn’t see it though…. I heard it was long) Dharma and Greg walk into the “Main Tent” where people check in. There is an older woman named Mother Margaret sitting at a desk. She has very very long white hair. That kind of long hair that goes down to her butt. I really don’t like it when people wear their hair like this…. when I see it I immediately assume it smells like cat pee…. plus it reminds me of the cover of a 1980’s horror film that was always on display in the local video store in Rome, Georgia…. I don’t remember that name of the movie but the hair was braided into a noose on the cover. Spooky. With Dharma and Greg is young Lily, the Korean child Kitty dropped off earlier. There are various old and young strung out hippies wandering around. Dharma and Greg approach the check in.

MARGARET:
Dharma Finklestein! Look how big you are!

DHARMA:
Hi Mother Margaret! This is my husband Greg.

MARGARET:
(Squeezing Greg’s bicep)

And hello Greg!

The audience laughs because sexuality is an obvious joke.

MARGARET:
(Noticing Lily)

OOOOOH! Did you two have a little girl and nobody told me?!

DHARMA:
(Quickly. Almost screaming)

NO! Haha. With Greg?! Absolutely not. Ha. No. This is…. Lily…. she belongs to a…. friend.

Greg gives her a strange look.

DHARMA:
We’re just sorta…. babysitting.

MARGARET:
Awwwww. Dharma, you’d make a great mom. Wouldn’t she Greg?

GREG:
I think so!

Dharma lets out a loud, long laugh that is actually half a laugh and a half a scream. Her face is one of panic and a fake smile. The audience laughs because Jenna Elfman does this kind of thing EXTREMELY well. Just then Dharma’s parents, Abby ‘O’ Neil (Mimi Kennedy) and Larry Finklestein (Alan Rachins) enter. Abby is dressed as Janis Joplin and Larry is dressed in all black spandex, complete with a black hood with a hole cut out for his face.

ABBY:
Hi Honey! How do I look?

DHARMA:
Oh Abby! You look great!

ABBY:
(Imitating Janis Joplin, and not very well by the way)

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take another little piece of my heart now, baby!

GREG:
Who are you supposed to be Larry?

LARRY:
I represent the black hole that was The Vietnam War.

Dharma and Greg stare at him strangely. The audience laughs.

DHARMA:
That’s wonderful, Larry. You both look great.

ABBY:
(Referring to Lily)

And who is this? I don’t believe we met.

DHARMA:
This is Lily, she’s the daughter of-

ABBY:
(Picking up Lily)

Lily! Aren’t you the cutest little thing there’s ever been?!

DHARMA:
Kitty and Edward stopped by this morning. They were supposed to-

ABBY:
(To Lily)

Look at your beautiful eyes. You are the most adorable little girl I’ve ever seen. I bet you’re an Aquarius! Doesn’t she just scream Aquarius, Larry? An air sign baby.

LARRY:
(Dumbly)

Can she eat chocolate?

DHARMA:
I guess so?

GREG:
Mom didn’t say anything about allergies. (To Lily) Can you eat chocolate, Lily?

Lily smiles really wide and nods eagerly. The audience is enchanted. They laugh.

LARRY:
Oh! You like chocolate! Here ya go.

He pulls out a box of brownies and Lily takes one. She eats it quickly. Everyone watches with a smile. The audience goes “Aw” the way they never would for their own children. Even when they are the first fourteen year olds in Rome, Georgia to write an original musical for their school Christmas pageant wowing everyone else in town but them. What the fuck does it take?!!?! Y’know?

ABBY:
Dharma! I brought you and Greg some outfits for the concert. Here ya go.

She hands them some Woodstock-ish clothes.

ABBY:
I wish I had known about Lily coming. I could have brought some of your old dresses.

DHARMA:
That’s alright. Hey Larry. Give me one of those brownies.

LARRY:
They’re in my backpack. Help yourself. I’m gonna go set myself up by the Nixon protestors.

Larry exits. Dharma gets a brownie and eats it.

ABBY:
I better get checked in backstage. Would you mind if I brought Lily and showed her around?

DHARMA:
Fine with me.

ABBY:
Come on Lily! (To Dharma and Greg) But you guys better (immitating Janis again) COME ON! COME ON! And get a seat!

She laughs at her own joke all the way out of the scene with Lily. The audience doesn’t laugh at all. Abby thinks she’s a lot funnier than the audience does. They may have poor taste sometimes but they’re not baffoons, this audience.

GREG:
Your parents are so good with her.

DHARMA:
Who?

GREG:
Lily.

DHARMA:
Oh. Yea. They love kids. They even hound me about it….. when are you and Greg going to….. don’t you think you and Greg would make great……

GREG:
Wouldn’t we?

Dharma looks at Greg like he’s grown a grown a second head or turned into Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

DHARMA:
Greg. We can’t even decide what color to paint our bathroom-

GREG:
Yes, we can. Navy blue. I told you. It will cover up the mold.

DHARMA:
Right. And I said orange.

GREG:
I don’t want to look at orange every morning when I sit down to go to the bathroom.

DHARMA:
And that’s where we differ.

GREG:
You don’t sit down to go to the bathroom?

DHARMA:
No! (Giving him a look like…. you’re a fucking idiot, Greg. The audience laughs but they agree with Dharma) We’re so opposite. You were eating caviar when you were ten years old. I spent my tenth birthday watching my Aunt Sherry puke into a bass drum backstage after she played Joan Baez. How would we ever raise a child together?

The audience laughs. Again, wacky odd couples make great comedy.

GREG:
Well. You married me didn’t you?

DHARMA:
I did.

GREG:
And what? You regret that?

Dharma is quiet. She stares at Greg for a moment. Larry rushes in.

LARRY:
Dharma! Which brownie did you eat?

DHARMA:
One from the blue box. Why?

LARRY:
Those are my world famous “magic brownies”!

UH OH! There’s gonna be trouble! Dharma looks at Larry, at Greg, then directly to the camera. She slaps her forehead and we hear an audible cartoon “BOOOOING!” sound…. it’s really not in characer for the show’s tone…. but people go with it because, like, what else are they gonna do? Watch “The Jeff Foxworthy Show”?

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One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: Dharma and Greg PART 2”

  1. Hannah Blechman Says:

    I think the film you reference is “April Fools Day”. It does have a terrifying cover.


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