I leave for Georgia in a couple days and I’m excited. I really love Christmas time and I really love being home to enjoy it. I blogged a lot last year during Christmas about how weird it is watching the holiday traditions from my childhood change and it’s just as weird for me this time around. I try desperately to crack through that wall thats been built, keeping the magical feelings Christmas used to bring, out but its to no avail.
I find myself attempting to immerse myself in everything Christmas. From my tree smelling candle (that REALLY works by the way, Yankee Candle is the brand) to my Holiday music station I’ve got set on my SiriusXM radio…. I am attempting at all times to make things Christmas-y…. even when I don’t feel like it. The other night I walked in the what started as snow and turned to cold rain over to The Rockefeller Christmas tree with this boy I’ve hung out with from time to time and admired the beautiful colored lights on the epic evergreen…. I stared at the angels, and tried to tune out everything but the Christmas carols but in the end…. I felt less like someone experiencing the magic euphoria of Christmas and more like someone standing in the freezing rain angry at the disorganized mobs of people pushing and shoving. I’ve revisited the tree a couple times since and attempted some sort of holiday nirvana.
I keep using Christmas as an excuse to indulge in the financially and health compromising Peppermint Mochas at Starbucks. When I first had a taste of the delicious peppermint and chocolate combo it did make my taste buds feel Christmas-y but the ten I’ve had since aren’t really taking me anywhere but a sugar coma.
My Netflix is filled with Christmas movies I’m planning to watch next week while I’m in Rome. My guess is that I’ll make it through at least one and try to prove to myself that it’s changed my spirit or outlook in some way but in reality, I will have rather watched more “Dexter”.
I will stare at my Mom’s Christmas tree…. at the ornaments I made in second grade…. and the same mantle decorations she’s dusted off every year since I can remember and I’ll try really really hard to push myself backward in time, to become ten years old, and literally shaking with excitement over Christmas morning and the whole season….. but I know, just like last year, it’s not gonna work.
I walked over for yet another Rockefeller Christmas Tree outing on Sunday night around 11PM. The weather was perfect, and very few people were out, I wandered over to Fifth Avenue and peered into the windows of Saks. They’re beautiful. I stood across from the tree, near the lit up angels, in nearly the exact same spot that Kevin McAllister stands and wishes, wills, and prays for someone to bring his family back for Christmas. He wants it to be like it always was (except for that other shitty but Hollywood Blockbuster Christmas he had back in 1990)…. the music swells and Catherine ‘O’ Hara runs out…. and just like that, Kevin McCallister’s Christmas returns to how it was meant to be. How he’s wished it would be. I stood there and thought about the first time I’d ever seen that movie…. and the first time my family and I stood beneath this enormous tree at this New York landmark in third grade, and I thought about going home to see them this week, and what my mom would cook on Christmas Eve, how the house would smell like the tree that was shedding in our living room, how my father would lose his shit over all those shedding leaves, how my sister and I will most likely have at one two (maybe three? Four?) arguments before the week is over, and how on Christmas morning we’ll sit down in the same living room we’ve opened presents in my entire life and do it all over again. The furniture isn’t the same, my family looks a little different than they used, and I don’t leave cookies out for Santa anymore…. but for just that moment on Christmas morning I receive a Kevin McAllister-esque miracle…. its them and me… in that house…. and I suppose thats what all this talk of the Christmas spirit, is all about.