Sitcom Fan Fiction: Dharma and Greg- DHARMA IS TRIPPIN’!


A Scene from DHARMA AND GREG
By Jeffery Self

PART THREE
Previously on Dharma and Greg, but seriously y’all just read the other two parts and skip this whole previously section by scrolling down to the part that says ALREADY READ PART ONE AND TWO? START HERE! Unless you suck. DO YOU SUCK, pansey?! I THOUGHT SO. Previously on…..

Greg’s yuppy Mother, Kitty Montgomery (Susan Sullivan), talking to Dharma (Jenna Elfman) in the living room of she and Greg’s bohemian apartment.

KITTY:
Dharma, what are your and Greg’s weekend plans?

DHARMA:
We’re going to a Woodstock reinaction with Abby and Larry upstate.

KITTY:
A what?

DHARMA:
Each year my parents go with a group of people to reinact the Woodstock concert. My mom gets to be Janice Joplin this year.

Cut to later in the scene. Kitty is talking to Greg (Thomas Gibson)

KITTY:
Listen. Your father and I have just been invited up to Rupert Murdoch’s house in Maine. We’re leaving this afternoon. Would you mind taking care of things for us until Monday?

GREG:
Of course not.

Kitty reveals a four year old Korean girl.

KITTY:
This is Georgina. She belongs to Mary Elizabeth, that sweet little woman who cleans the kitchen on Thursdays. Mary Elizabeth got in a little trouble last week (mouthing the words) immigration…. and we’re supposed to be watching little Georgina here but….. well…. we’d rather go to Rupert Murdoch’s.

Cut to later in the scene, Dharma and Greg are now alone with the young Korean child.

DHARMA:
What are we gonna do?

Cut to later that day at the Woodstock Reinaction. Dharma’s mom, Abby ‘O’ Neil is dressed as Janis Joplin and her father, Larry Finklestein is dressed in all black spandex.

DHARMA:
This is Lily, she’s the daughter of-

ABBY:
(Picking up Lily)

Lily! Aren’t you the cutest little thing there’s ever been?!

Cut to later in the scene Dharma and Greg are talking about Abby and Larry who have taken Lily backstage.

DHARMA:
They love kids. They even hound me about it….. when are you and Greg going to….. don’t you think you and Greg would make great……

GREG:
Wouldn’t we?

Dharma looks at Greg like he’s grown a grown a second head or turned into Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

LARRY:
Dharma! Which brownie did you eat?

DHARMA:
One from the blue box. Why?

LARRY:
Those are my world famous “magic brownies”!

UH OH!!!!!!!!!

ALREADY READ PART ONE AND TWO? START HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

We return from commercial exactly where we left off. Dharma is standing with a look of great worry on her face. Larry looks like a little kid who’s gonna get in trouble. Greg is standing next to Dharma.

GREG:
Are you alright?! Dharma??

DHARMA:
I’m fine. I’m fine. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a “magic brownie”. I did go to Sarah Lawrence.

Did she? This is the first time Dharma has ever mentioned this and the audience, having already committed two seasons of time to the show feels pretty weirded out and frankly, a little betrayed.

LARRY:
Dharma, I don’t wanna sound like a square…. but you’ve never had any brownies like this. I make them…. uh…. pretty strong.

MOTHER MARGARET:
(Coming out from behind the desk)

Pretty strong? Last time I ate one of those I woke up in Delaware. And I don’t know anybody in Delaware. (Beat) Rather. I didn’t before then. I know a lot of people in Delaware now. And I owe A LOT of people money in Delaware now!

The audience laughs.

GREG:
What should she do?

LARRY:
Just drink a lot of water and lie down. I’ve got some blankets in the van. I’ll get them.

Larry runs off.

MOTHER MARGARET:
I’ll get some orange slices. Vitamin C can help.

She runs off.

GREG:
Want some water, honey?

DHARMA:
I’m fine, Roger.

GREG:
Greg.

DHARMA:
That’s what I said.

GREG:
I’m gonna get that water. I’ll be RIGHT BACK.

Greg runs off. Dharma rolls her eyes and and sits down. She taps her fingernails on the desk and rolls her neck, she takes a deep breath, then exhales. She does this a few times. Then she casually gets up and walks over to the window and begins removing her shirt, then her pants, until she’s just in her bra and panties. The audience “oooooo’s”. Then very matter a fact-ly, she produces a microphone out of nowhere. It’s wireless but it actually works. She looks out at the audience, into the camera, and acknowledges each of us. She’s warm and inviting. She begins to sing.

DHARMA:
(Singing)

Oh, I could hide beneath the wings
of the bluebird as he sings.
The six ‘o’ clock alarm would never ring.
But it rings and I rise,
wipe the sleep out of my eyes.
My shaving razor’s cold and it stings.
Cheer up, sleepy Jean, oh what can it mean
to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?

Suddenly a large turtle appears, it’s an elaborate turtle costume worn by a man but the kind of thing Jim Henson’s Workshop would make. It is with this image, the audience realizes that they’re in Dharma’s trip. The turtle approaches Dharma. He speaks with a dry tone with a sense of forced merriment…. as if Bob Newhart was being forced to perform as one of the jolly half men/half goat things in those Narnia movies.

TURTLE:
Dharma!

DHARMA:
(Somehow they’re old friends)

Richard! How are you?!

TURTLE:
On a scale of one to ten, I’d say six…. I’ve sorta got a tooth ache and my job is stressing me out but welcome to the real world. AM I RIGHT?!

DHARMA:
(She finds him highly amusing)

You so are!

TURTLE:
How are you?! And before you answer that, I just wanna mention that I LOVE the color purple on you. It’s really cool.

She is wearing beige.

DHARMA:
Thanks. AHHHHHHHH! How am I?! Richard. That. Is. A. Good. Question. You get a prize.

A wacky lady clown appears, she’s dressed like a 1920’s society matron but in the colors, make-up, wig, and style of a circus clown. She doesn’t speak and her mouth is painted like a giant smile. She hands the Turtle a bouqet of roses and walks away.

TURTLE:
Aw! Thanks, Dharma. That makes my day a lot better.

DHARMA:
Mine too. Gift giving can be just as much fun as gift receiving.

A man dressed in a formal guard uniform appears high above them and points sternly at Dharma.

GUARD:
THAT is a lie!

DHARMA:
(Shuttering and cowering down)

You’re right. I’m sorry.

The guard disappears.

DHARMA:
Ugh. Richard. Greg is killing me. He wants to have a kid.

TURTLE:
And?

DHARMA:
I don’t know if we’re ready.

TURTLE:
But you’ve always wanted a kid, Dharma.

DHARMA:
I know-

TURTLE:
Just not with Greg?

DHARMA:
Thats not even it. I think Greg would make a great dad its just…. I dunno…. I guess I sorta feel like its now or never. Then with this little Korean girl that we’re taking care of…. I just feel like its this overwhelming reminder that time is running out and if we’re gonna do it, we need to do it, I mean… we’re not going to be young forever but when I think about it I just get so stressed out I could scream.

TURTLE:
There’s nothing wrong with screaming.

The Turtle screams.

DHARMA:
Thats true.

TURTLE:
Well. Do you want to have a baby?

DHARMA:
Yes.

TURTLE:
With Greg?

DHARMA:
Yes.

TURTLE:
But having this Korean kid around is making you second guess it?

DHARMA:
Exactly.

TURTLE:
Just follow your gut, Dharma. That’s all you’ve ever done. And eat some of this pie.

He wheels on an enormous pie. Like the size of a kiddie swimming pool. Dharma and The Turtle leap into it and laugh and eat. They’re covered in whipped cream as “Daydream Believer” plays. Just then Dharma wakes up. She’s lying on a the desk, covered in blankets, surrounded by Larry, Abby, Greg, Mother Margaret.

DHARMA:
Where am I?

LARRY:
You had a bad trip, honey. You’re fine.

DHARMA:
But I-

ABBY:
Shhhh. Just have some water.

DHARMA:
I was eating pie. Delicious pie.

ABBY:
Of course you were. You’re home now honey. Larry, we’ve gotta get onstage and perform. Honey, we’ll be right back. Take care of her, Greg.

Larry, Abby, and Mother Margaret walk out.

GREG:
You okay?

DHARMA:
(Foggy)

Yea. I think so. Listen, Greg. I’m sorry for being so short earlier….. about the baby thing…..

GREG:
Its okay, I-

DHARMA:
I want to have a baby with you…. I was just nervous. I AM nervous about the whole thing.

GREG:
I know-

DHARMA:
But I wanna do it. I really do.

GREG:
Okay.

DHARMA:
And this isn’t the brownie talking.

Greg:
I know. (Quiet for a while)

DHARMA:
So. Lets do this. The baby thing.

GREG:
(Smiles)

Okay. You sure?

DHARMA:
I’m sure.

They embrace.

DHARMA:
Hey. Where’s Lily?

GREG:
Oh. Your friend Richard stopped by and picked her up.

Just then, we see Richard, the Turtle walk past the window with Lily on his shoulder. There is a magical rainbow in the sky and the Clown Lady and Guard wave from above. It rains purple glitter. Dharma giggles and kisses Greg.

End credits.

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One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: Dharma and Greg- DHARMA IS TRIPPIN’!”

  1. jb Says:

    daydream believer! you just reminded me of what might have been my first celebrity crush: davy jones of the monkees, haha. and i’ve got a funny story about hash brownies that i’ll tell you someday if i ever run into you in real life… 🙂


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