Sitcom Fan Fiction: GRACE UNDER FIRE


A Scene from:
GRACE UNDER FIRE
By Jeffery Self

Grace Kelly (Brett Butler) and her preccious nine year old daughter, Libby (Kaitlin Cullum), and mischevious son, ten year old son Quentin (Sam Korrigan, who was the second replacement in the role originated by Jon Paul Steuer) are decorating a Christmas tree in their living room. The TV is playing a scene from “A Christmas Carol” with the Ghost of Christmas Past.

LIBBY:
Mama. Have you ever seen a ghost?

GRACE:
I thought I saw Elvis and Peggy Lee at a rest stop in Oklahoma once-

QUENTIN:
COOL!

GRACE:
But it ended up I’d just had too many whiskey and Gatorades and they were two baset hounds fighting over a candy bar.

The audience laughs. Libby has been eating the freshly popped popcorn they’re attempting to string on the tree.

GRACE:
Libby. I told you no more popcorn.

LIBBY:
But I’m hungry.

GRACE:
You just had supper. I’m serious. Santa Claus is watching and you want him to bring that goldfish you asked for. Right?

LIBBY:
Uh huh.

GRACE:
Then stop. Or we aren’t gonna have anything left to put on the tree.

LIBBY:
We could just do what we did last year.

GRACE:
Honey. I am NOT having a Christmas tree wrapped in toilet paper two years in a row. Besides, we’re all out of toilet paper.

Grace scratches her butt. It’s really crass. The audience laughs. A commercial comes on the TV for the hottest toy of the year, The Transforming Sonic Fusion Car. Quentin runs to the TV.

QUENTIN:
There it is!!!!!! THERE IT IS!!!!! Look at it. It can go from being a car to a boat to a plane. Michael Watson got one for his birthday last month and the thing can even FLY!

The commercial flashes enticing images of the toy, and Quentin stares in utter lust.

GRACE:
Now. Santa Claus might not be able to find a Sonic Fusion thing. They said on the news last night stores are selling out.

QUENTIN:
He will. I know he will. Its all I want this year.

Grace has a look of concern and disappointment. The doorbell rings. Libby runs to answer it.

GRACE:
(Calling after Libby)

If it’s those Jehovah’s Witness people again, don’t open it. I’ve got so many of those pamphlets that I stopped having to buy toilet paper.

She scratches her butt again. An even bigger laugh. Libby opens the door. It’s Nadine Swoboda (Julie White…. yea, Julie White was on ‘Grace Under Fire’. You just thought she was a genius Broadway star? WRONG. Julie White’s brilliant career spans from stage to screen to television. Remember her on ‘Six Feet Under’? Hehe. I thought you might) the next door neighbor and best friend to Grace she carries a fish bowl with a dish towel on top of it.

LIBBY:
Hey Nadine.

NADINE:
(A little panic-ed)

Grace, can I see you in the kitchen?

GRACE:
Uh. Sure. Kids, y’all keep decorating. No more popcorn, Libby.

Grace and Nadine go into kitchen.

NADINE:
Grace. You know how you left that goldfish over at my house to give to Libby on Christmas morning?

GRACE:
Uh huh.

Nadine pulls the towel off the bowl to reveal a large dead goldfish.

GRACE:
Nadine!

NADINE:
I thought I was doing everything right. Then this morning I was pouring bleach into a jar of nickels-

GRACE:
Why would you be-

NADINE:
Don’t ask. But I tripped and spilt the bleach into the fish bowl-

GRACE:
And you didn’t take the fish out?

NADINE:
Well, I got so busy with the jar of nickels. You know how it is.

GRACE:
Huh?

NADINE:
That I forgot about the fish and when I remembered it was too late.

GRACE:
Well, great Nadine. That thing cost me eighty five dollars.

NADINE:
I’m not suggesting you do this but you COULD wrap up this bowl with the dead fish in it and on Christmas morning you could blame Santa Claus. Again, I am not saying thats what you should do I’m just saying like…. you COULD. If it was something that was nesscary.

GRACE:
NADINE! I am not wrapping up a dead fish and giving it to my eight year old for Christmas. Jesus Christ! I thought I was the one who’d been to rehab.

The audience laughs for a couple reasons 1. Grace Kelly the character had just gotten out of rehab in the show’s pilot 2. Because Brett Butler, the actress, had just gotten out of rehab to begin filming this fourth season of the show and the tabloids have been all over it. This kinda joke is so metaphysical and people really appreciate Brett letting it all hang out. YOU GO GIRL, somebody might shout but then be asked to quiet down. There’s a scene going on!!!!!

GRACE:
It’s fine. Whatever. I’ll come up with eighty five dollars and get a new one…. I have a bigger problem on my hand.

NADINE:
I knew it! You’re pregnant! I could tell by your puffy blotchy face…. all those zits…. and that tube you’ve been carrying around on your waist.

GRACE:
Uh. No. I’m not pregnant.

The audience laughs.

GRACE:
Not now at least!

She makes her finger into an imaginary hook and pantomimes sticking it up something and poking viciously, it simulates an aborition though its messy and kinda unclear. She finally stops and cackles.

GRACE:
I’m KIIIIIIDDING!

Nadine and Grace share a laugh.

GRACE:
No. Quentin wants one of those Sonic Fusion Transforming things.

NADINE:
I saw something on Ricki Lake about those. Everybody’s selling out of them.

GRACE:
I know. That’s the problem.

NADINE:
Can’t you convince him to wait til after Christmas. Stores will be full of them by January.

GRACE:
I couldn’t. You know what kind of a year poor Quentin has had.

NADINE:
I guess you’re right. Being falsely accused of rape when you’re only ten years old can be pretty traumatizing. Especially when your Daddy is the one that actually did it.

There is a comedy rim shot out of no where then Grace and Nadine look around confused. The audience laughs at them and this time they hear the laughter too. They’re both really spooked out but keep going with the scene.

NADINE:
Grace. You’ve done a lot for me this year…. more than a friend should ever have to do for someone-

GRACE:
I’d say.

Grace pantomimes the hook again and this time mimes sticking it up Nadine and poking away viciously. Nadine pretends to be in immense pain. This simulates Grace giving Nadine an aborition but again, its pretty messy and half assed. They stop and laugh.

NADINE:
No but seriously. I want to help you find that toy.

GRACE:
Aw. Really?

NADINE:
Sure. I genuinely have NOTHING going on right now.

GRACE:
Thats very sweet of you Nadine. Have any ideas where to go?

NADINE:
(Suddenly very dark and ominous)

This might seem crazy…. like a Goddamn sick joke you’d tell at a party where you’re trying to get asked to leave but I think I just might.

She cackles like a witch, grabs the fishbowl with the dead fish, and smashes it on the ground like a crazy person.

GRACE:
What the hell did you do that for?

NADINE:
(Embarrassed)

Sorry. Got carried away. I’m gonna go to the bathroom then we’ll go get that toy.

GRACE:
Tonight?

NADINE:
Yes, tonight!

Nadine goes into the bathroom and closes the door. Grace starts to clean up the mess. Nadine comes out of the bathroom.

NADINE:
Hey. You’re out of toilet paper.

GRACE:
I know.

NADINE:
(She shrugs)

Oh well.

She scratches her butt. The audience goes wild.

TO BE CONTINUED

Advertisements
Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: