Sitcom Fan Fiction: GRACE UNDER FIRE (Part 2)

A Scene from: GRACE UNDER FIRE
By Jeffery Self

PREVIOUSLY ON GRACE UNDER FIRE

Grace (Brett Butler) and Nadine (Julie White) in Grace’s kitchen a few nights before Christmas.

GRACE:
Quentin wants one of those Sonic Fusion Transforming things.

NADINE:
I saw something on Ricki Lake about those. Everybody’s selling out of them.

GRACE:
I know. That’s the problem!

Later in the scene

GRACE:
Have any ideas where to go?

NADINE:
(Suddenly very dark and ominous)

This might seem crazy…. like a Goddamn sick joke you’d tell at a party where you’re trying to get asked to leave but I think I just might.

NEW EPISODE STARTS HERE!

We return from commercial, it is nighttime outside a closed toy store. There is a large sign in the window that says “Sorry, Sonic Fusion Transforming Cars are SOLD OUT! Happy Holidays!” Nadine (Julie White) and Grace (Brett Butler) approach the store with Nadine covering Grace’s eyes.

NADINE:
Almost there. Gonna get that toy!

GRACE:
We better be. Why do your hands smell like Tobasco sauce?

NADINE:
Because I had Italian food for lunch today, dumbie. Okay. Are you ready?

GRACE:
Yes.

NADINE:
(Removing her hands)

SURPRISE!

GRACE:
A toy store? Nadine. You’ve seen it on TV…. toy stores are sold out!

Nadine just sorta stares at Grace confused and trying hard to understand. The audience laughs. Silly Nadine.

GRACE:
And this store isn’t even open because it is eleven at night.

Nadine continues to stare at her confused. More audience laughter.

GRACE:
And they even have this sign in the window that says they’re sold out.

Nadine keeps staring. Grace proceeds to mock sign language in an incredibly offensive manner and screams her lines:

GRACE:
(Mocking sign language in a really inexcusable manner)

THE STORE IS SOLD OUT SO WE CANNOT BUY THEM YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH!

Nadine starts to cry when a really well dressed woman, Mary Elizabeth, approaches them. She’s wearing a nice women’s holiday sweater, pleated ladies slacks, a sparkly snowman broach, and her hair is nicely curled. She has a warm, lovely face…. the kind of woman who makes lemonade from scratch when her kids have friends over. The kind of woman you used to go live with back when you were in the orphanage

MARY ELIZABETH:
(Smiling as warm as hot chocolate)

Good evening. I couldn’t help but notice your conversation.

GRACE:
Sorry lady. I don’t have any money to give to charity this year. I drank it all in ’92 and whats left of it, I’m planning to drink in 2000….. Y2K has got me scuurrrred (scared). Who knows what kinda shit is gonna go down.

The audience laughs out of fear and anxities towards Y2K.

MARY ELIZABETH:
HaHa. I’m sorry. You must have me mistaken for someone else. I’m Mary Elizabeth Tattlebaum. I’m with the local Presbyterian Ladies Guild.

GRACE:
Sorry. We ain’t interested.

MARY ELIZABETH:
I might be presumptious but are you looking for the Sonic Fusion Transforming Car?

NADINE:
YEA!

GRACE:
Shut up Nadine.

MARY ELIZABETH:
Haha. Well, what would you two say if I told you I knew where to find one hundred Sonic Fusion Transforming Cars?

NADINE:
WOW!

GRACE:
Hold on. What’s the catch here? This all seems a little fishy.

NADINE:
That could be me…. Grace, you were out of toilet paper and I-

GRACE:
No! Thats not what I’m saying!

The audience laughs and then goes EEEEEEEEW.

MARY ELIZABETH:
Come with me. I’ll show you. We’re just having our meeting now…. right downstairs. Our guild treasurer Susan…. her husband owns this toy shop. He lets us use the basement for our meetings. HaHaHa! You know men!

She smiles and laughs like they should know how to respond but really it makes no sense. She’s just saying words to say words.

MARY ELIZABETH:
Oh brother. Thats the way it goes huh?

Again, just saying words like they mean something. They don’t but the audience laughs in agreement anyway.

NADINE:
Lets go, Grace!

GRACE:
How do I know you’re not trying to kill us or make us donate money to poor people?

NADINE:
Look at her, Grace. She looks as sweet as could be.

GRACE:
Yea. And so did my first husband. But that didn’t stop him from breaking two of my ribs and fracturing my jaw that night in Pensacola.

The audience laughs and then realizes this wasn’t a joke, then they feel pretty rotten about laughing.

NADINE:
Let’s give it a shot, Grace. You really want that toy don’t you?

GRACE:
Yea…..

NADINE:
Then lets go.

GRACE:
(Still not sure)

Okay.

MARY ELIZABETH:
Are you ready?

NADINE:
Sure!

MARY ELIZABETH:
Good. OH! And here, as a token for the holiday season.

She hands them two small gold crosses on gold chains. The kinds Sunday School teachers sometimes wear. The crosses glow and sparkle in the moonlight. Eerily.

MARY ELIZABETH:
From me to you.

NADINE:
Thanks!

Grace looks at it strangely. This all seems so suspicious to her. Then again, at one point, she did a lot of drugs for a long time so…. who knows really.

MARY ELIZABETH:
Follow me. Right down these stairs. Hahaha. YOU KNOW ME!

Again, she’s just saying words to say words. I hate when people saying “You know me”. Like…. “Well, you know me…. I didn’t book a hotel before I left.” YOU DIDN’T?! Because see…. I DO know you and I’d HOPE you would be a bit more together than that. Jesus, Mom. Mary Elizabeth laughs like they should know what she’s talking about again and heads down the stairs. Grace and Nadine follow.

TO BE CONTINUED

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