Sitcom Fan Fiction: Grace Under Fire (Part 3)


PREVIOUSLY ON GRACE UNDER FIRE (or again…. just scroll down and read the previous two scenes)

Grace (Brett Butler) and Nadine (Julie White) in Grace’s kitchen a few nights before Christmas.

GRACE:
Quentin wants one of those Sonic Fusion Transforming things.

NADINE:
I saw something on Ricki Lake about those. Everybody’s selling out of them.

GRACE:
I know. That’s the problem!

Later in the scene

GRACE:
Have any ideas where to go?

Cut to Outside the Toy Shop. There is a closed sign in the window and a sign saying SOLD OUT OF SONIC FUSION TRANSFORMING CARS. Mary Elizabeth, approaches them. She’s wearing a nice women’s holiday sweater, pleated ladies slacks, a sparkly snowman broach, and her hair is nicely curled. She has a warm, lovely face…. the kind of woman who makes lemonade from scratch when her kids have friends over.

MARY ELIZABETH:
I’m Mary Elizabeth Tattlebaum. I’m with the local Presbyterian Ladies Guild. What would you two say if I told you I knew where to find one hundred Sonic Fusion Transforming Cars? Come with me. I’ll show you. We’re just having our meeting now…. right downstairs. Our guild treasurer Susan…. her husband owns this toy shop. He lets us use the basement for our meetings. HaHaHa! You know men!

She smiles and laughs like they should know how to respond but really it makes no sense. She’s just saying words to say words.

NEW EPISODE BEGINS HERE

We return from commercial with Grace (Brett Butler) and Nadine (Julie White) following Presbyterian Ladies Guild member, Mary Elizabeth, into the basement of the Toy Shop. The basement is just your average basement/stock room. Mingling around the room are various Presbyterian ladies, twenty or so. They’re all dressed very similarly to Mary Elizabeth and all brandish the same manic smile and small gold cross on a chain.

MARY ELIZABETH:
Oh good. We’re not late.

Lucy Lee, A fellow lady approaches them.

LUCY LEE:
Hello Hello Hello!

MARY ELIZABETH:
Lucy. These are my new friends Grace and Nadine.

LUCY LEE:
Merry Christmas ladies. Welcome to the Ladies Presbyterian Guild. Could I get y’all some decaf coffee or some of Margaret Gwen’s gingerbread log?

NADINE:
I’ll take a piece-

GRACE:
(Still uncomfortable here)

We’re fine. Mary Elizabeth, where are the Cars?

MARY ELIZABETH:
Oh don’t you worry your little head Gracie. You’ll get the car. Why don’t you two have a seat and relax a moment. It IS that time of year, am I right?!?

Everyone in the room laughs knowingly as if she said something they all relate to but again, she’s just saying words to say words.

EDITH ANN:
(The Guild president, taking her place in the front of the room)

Okay everybody. Let’s take our seats and begin.

GRACE:
Begin what?

MARY ELIZABETH:
Oh Grace. You’re so hesistant about things. You remind me of my husband. He won’t come near me anymore…. but thats just a sign of the times, I suppose.

She nods and chuckles knowingly at herself but still, this makes no sense.

NADINE:
(She’s served herself a piece of the Gingerbread Log)

Come on, Grace. Just have a seat.

Grace shakes her head and sit downs. She’s frustrated but whatever…. anything for this toy. All the ladies are seated.

EDITH ANN:
Good evening ladies.

ALL:
Good evening.

EDITH ANN:
I’m so glad everyone could come out tonight for our annual Christmas get together. Its at this time of year, especially, that we need to come together and celebrate as a community.

ALL:
Agreed/Thats right Edith Ann/Fa La La La/Uh huh.

EDITH ANN:
It is around this most sacred holiday that our world begins to divide and the so-called “PC people” of the world take over and try to pry the Christ out of Christmas…. or even worse, try to erase Christmas completely with their “Happy Holidays” and “Seasons Greetings”.

ALL:
BOOOOOO!/It’s Christmas, you fools!

Grace is looking around the room as if she’s stumbled into a den of Shelley Long impersonators. What the hell is going with these weirdos?

EDITH ANN:
(Getting a little more serious)

It is now, and most imparitively now that we must form our powers together to bring the message of Christmas to those all around us.

ALL:
(Overcome with excitement and devotion)

YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!

EDITH ANN:
(Taking a weird turn)

Tonight! Our final spell will be complete and we shall bring the spirit of Christmas…. of Baby Jesus…. to everyone around us!

Now Grace is REALLY freaked out…. like if the Shelley Long impersonators started finger banging each other and speaking in Hebrew. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!

EDITH ANN:
(Completely in full on witch mode now)

SISTERS! Present your ingridents!

All the ladies take zip lock bags out of their purses with something small in each.

GRACE:
(To Mary Elizabeth)

Uh. I think I better go-

MARY ELIZABETH:
NO! Stay! You’ll miss the best part.

GRACE:
I just want that toy for my son-

MARY ELIZABETH:
You’ll get it! You’ll get it!

NADINE:
Come on, Grace. Stay. This is fun.

EDITH ANN:
Now! Ladies, sisters….. one by one I want you to drop the ingreident into this fire!

She removes a blanket covered in adorable snow men illustrations, revealing a large fire, spewing spooky flames and smoke.

Each of the ladies begins to walk up to the fire, kiss their gold cross on their necks, then drop the thing in the ziplock back into the flames.

GRACE:
What the hell is going on?

MARY ELZABETH:
Shhhhh. We’re making a potion that will put waves of our love for Baby Jesus into the air!

GRACE:
Huh?

MARY ELIZABETH:
This potion is made of our devotion, our committment to the power of Baby Jesus-

GRACE:
What? Whats in it?

MARY ELIZABETH:
The sacrifice each of us made with our own babies as a testament to our love for the almighty.

GRACE:
As in?

Mary Elizabeth takes out the ingreident from her zip lock bag and holds it up into Mary Elizabeth’s face. It is a baby foreskin. Grace gags. The audience gasps.

GRACE:
Nadine, we’re getting out of here!

Grace and Nadine get up and rush to the door. Edith Ann stops them.

EDITH ANN:
And here is our guest of honor! Ladies, please welcome Grace!

GRACE:
Huh? How do you know my-

EDITH ANN:
Grace holds our last needed ingredient to bring our spell to its ultimate power.

GRACE:
I do?

EDITH ANN:
Grace’s son holds the foreskin of a child born under the Harvest Adam Moon.

GRACE:
The what?!

MARY ELIZABETH:
(Butting in with a big smile)

I think we’ve ALL had days like this!

Everybody laughs like “God, Mary Elizabeth speaks the gospel of the everyman but as usual, just words to say words.

GRACE:
We’re leaving.

EDITH ANN:
(Dark and sinister)

Lock the doors. Block all exits!

All the ladies surround them

GRACE:
What?! NO! Let me out of here!

MARY ELIZABETH:
Come on Grace. Don’t you want people to recognize the importance of Christmas?!

GRACE:
I don’t know what the fuck is going on here, I just want to go home.

The audience, despite how much they love this show…. and they really do…. agree with her. This whole women needing foreskins to set a spell that will put the message of Christmas into the air is really fucked up both ethically and dramatically.

MARY ELIZABETH:
I thought you wanted to give your son the only toy he’s asked for.

GRACE:
I do but not from you…. y’all are sick! Twisted, disgusting and SICK!

She rips off the gold cross and throws it down. No one budges.

GRACE:
(Turning terrifiyng and violent)

Look. I did A LOT of hardcore drugs for A LONG time. There wasn’t a needle from here to the Mason Dixon line that didn’t spend some time in one of my veins at some point or another. I’ve lived hard…. really really hard and when anybody has ever stood in my way, they’d paid for it. There are people all over this country that would literally shit their pants if they saw my face again. There are people all over this country that wouldn’t be ABLE to shit their pants if they saw my face again because of what I did to them the last time I saw them. I didn’t go to Vietnam but I’ve got the crazies as if I did! Now do y’all wanna pay or do y’all wanna let me the fuck out of here?!?!!?!?!

The ladies are all totally freaked out, so is Nadine…. and even Grace is a little scared of herself. Mary Elizabeth, quietly picks up the gold cross and then walks over to open the door. Grace and Nadine walk toward the door. Nadine stops and turns around.

NADINE:
And I just wanna say that the Gingerbread Loaf was VERY dry.

Grace and Nadine are gone. We cut to back to Grace’s kitchen. An hour or two later.

NADINE:
And the way you looked that Mary Elizabeth woman in the eye. I really didn’t know you had it in you, Grace. I didn’t.

GRACE:
Thanks Nadine. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do about that car for Quentin.

NADINE:
You’ll figure it out.

Quentin comes into the kitchen in his pajamas.

QUENTIN:
Good night Mama.

GRACE:
Oh honey. Sorry. I forgot to come tuck you in. I’ve had a long day. Did you get some dinner?

QUENTIN:
We had some Cheerios and the crumbs from the Shake and Bake box.

GRACE:
Oh good. Well, I’m glad you got to eat.

The audience laughs at poverty.

QUENTIN:
Oh. I forgot to tell you something. I saw on the news about the Sonic Fusion Transforming Car….. they said most stores are out of it and I started thinking….. what if Santa can’t get many either…. and I’m worried that some kid that really needs it might not get one. I’ve got enough toys. I hope Santa knows that.

Grace is really moved. She kisses his cheek again. The audience says “Aw”.

GRACE:
I bet does, son. Good night.

Quentin exits.

NADINE:
You got a good kid, Grace.

GRACE:
(Shaking her head)

I do. I do.

NADINE:
I better head home. My husband is probably either worried sick or passed out in his own vomit. Either way. I’m sure there’s vomit to clean up. Night hon.

GRACE:
(Distracted. A little sad)

Night.

Grace sits alone in her kitchen for a while. Then says:

GRACE:
(To herself or God or somebody)

I’m trying. Lord. I’m really really trying.

Eventually she goes to bed.

Here’s the tag of the episode:
It’s Christmas morning and Grace walks into the living room with her pajama clad kids, Quentin and Libby. Santa has brought gifts.

LIBBY:
My goldfish!!!!!

QUENTIN:
Hey look! A Sonic Fusion Transforming Car! He DID get it! He did!

GRACE:
(Totally surprised)

What?! Let me see!

Sure enough, the Car is there.

GRACE:
How did he? How did I…..

QUENTIN:
This is the best Christmas ever!!!!!

He begins to play with it. Grace looks up at the heavens.

GRACE:
Thank you Santa. THANK YOU!

After a moment she notices, blood all over the living room rug.

GRACE:
Quentin? Is something wrong? Are you bleeding?

QUENTIN:
I don’t know. Am I?

GRACE:
Stand up! STAND UP!

He does. And she notices blood all over his pajama pants. She quickly looks into the front of his pants, gasps at the sight of what must be Quentin’s missing foreskin…. then quickly turns away. She gags and collapses onto the floor.

GRACE:
Oh my God! Oh my God!

She lies shaking in horror and disgust. In the background we see Mary Elizabeth tip toe out of the hall and climb into the fireplace and up the chimney with a large bloody sack.

The end. Merry Christmas.

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3 Comments on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: Grace Under Fire (Part 3)”

  1. Nick Says:

    haha loved all three parts! Part 3 reminded me of “strangers with candy” so thanks!

  2. Stewart Sharonwise Says:

    Hilarious. My favorite line (and the most classic sitcom moment) is when Nadine tells the ladies that the gingerbread log was too dry. Very funny.

  3. what the elf Says:

    jeffery
    STOP EATING AUNT RUBY’S FRUITCAKE RIGHT NOW. DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE WITH A TV CREW AND THE GUY FROM INTERVENTIONS!

    (love you like CRAZY– merry christmas!)


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