Back in town.
No. I wish. Not really. Well sorta. I think she’s interesting. Sometimes. Most of the time actually. Eh. Actually, I don’t really care either way- I just wanted a reference there and I happened to be walking by a theater with her picture outside of it on my way home from the airport today and I thought to myself “Hm. Alicia Silverstone is doing a play on Broadway? Thats kinda cool. Wait, she’s done Broadway plays before, right? Yea. So I guess it’s not that weird but still…. kinda neat. Glad she’s working. What Alicia Silverstone movies have I seen besides ‘Clueless’ and ‘Batman and Robin’?
Anyway. On my bed was a nice gift bag from my roommate’s mom filled with various food products made in Buffalo, New York…. where they live. There was some Buffalo sauce (which makes sense) but beyond that were products I had NO idea came from Buffalo, New York. Pop Rocks for one. Did YOU know that? Or Blow Pops? WHO KNEW? RIGHT?!
Today’s flight was okay. My Dad over estimated how much time I’d need at the airport, so we left our house at 7AM. It was still dark out, and I watched the sun rise as we cruised through Rome. Kinda nice. Bittersweet, as always, to leave. Hate goodbyes, hate attempting to wrap my mind around the fact that life carries on in my home without me, weirdness all around. I’m getting better at it though…. the leaving thing. I used to turn my face away from my mom to hide the tears streaming down my face, I’d rarely be able to choke out the actual words of goodbye. Nowadays, I do turn my face in fear of crying but it rarely happens. I still can’t say the word “goodbye” and usually say “See ya later” but baby steps to growing up I guess.
I attempted, throughout my trip home, to be present…. I wrote about it last week…. to be present to all of them, to really SEE this world thats “too beautiful to ever see it” as Emily says in “Our Town” (or something like that)…. and I think I did an okay job. I realized, upon making this a goal, that I SO rarely actually look into the eyes of my mom or anyone in my family. I so rarely take that mental picture with my mind of a moment with them but I think I got some of those images stored up in my brain this time around and that feels good.
I took the bus to the subway leaving the airport…. the voyage ended up taking nearly as long as my flight but its worth not spending the typical $40 cab fare. Plus it gave me a moment or two to attempt to sink back into the flow of things. To go from bus to 7 train to N train to Times Square and walking home. Slow and gradual. New York flies at you. FAST. The minute you arrive. Its hard to remember where you’ve been…. or that you’ve ever been anywhere else before. I walked down 47th street and onto 9th Avenue, reminding myself over and over…. this morning you were in your childhood bed and right now you’re on 9th Avenue in New York City and that is called travel…. my mind still, despite having done this multiple times over the past three and a half years, doesn’t quite know how to process it. It’s trying though and these gradual steps of transportation, the slow and steady ascent from airport into Manhattan…. softened the city blow.
And now, I’m home. In my bedroom. Through the looking glass. At this desk. Which is actually more of a table that someone gave me. I think they bought it at Ikea. I said think because it sounded sorta poetic didn’t I? Yea…. because I know they bought it at Ikea. It says Ikea on it. Literally. On the bottom of the table top. IKEA. Just like that. Duh. And the sirens sound like they did when I left them. And New York is right outside my window just like it was ten days ago and just like it stayed the whole time I was gone. And I’m trying to be right here and trying to maintain where I was yesterday and mix the two, so that both the present and yesterday’s present that I tried really really hard to see and hold onto…. can be one….. and I can be aware for a moment or two…. that I AM here and I WAS there and thats just how things work.