Sitcom Fan Fiction: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL


A scene from: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL
By Jeffery Self


Clarissa (Melissa Joan Hart) is sitting in her eccentrically decorated room. She is hard at work on a model solar system made entirely of chewed chewing gum. It’s both gross and fascinating to look at. So far she’s only completed Earth and Venus. Her mouth is FULL of chewing gum and she takes a huge wad out and begins sculpting it into Neptune. She addresses the camera, as she always does.

CLARISSA:
(Clearly frustrated and exhausted)

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get out of 8th grade. And sometimes I wonder if I do get out of 8th grade, what I’ll do anyway. I mean…. I know women can do pretty much anything they want nowadays but this girl sorta just wants to clean house, read magazines, and make dinner for her husband. Is that such a crime? (Beat) PSYCH! (She throws her head back and laughs) This is a message to all you girls out there who have Dads or brothers or jerk butts at school who tell you you can’t be whatever you want to be…. well, FORGET THEM! YOU CAN!!!!! YOU REALLY CAN!!!!! Sorry. I just get excited. That’s all. I’m really pro women’s rights. You might even say I’m a feminism icon. Right? Right?! (Increasingly on edge) RIGHT?!

The audience nervously laughs at Clarissa or maybe it’s actress Melissa Joan Hart’s intensity. I mean, I guess Clarissa is sort of a feminism icon…. but not like…. Betty Friedan or Norma Rae or anything. We hear the clanking of next door neighbor Sam (Sean ‘O’ Neal)’s ladder at Clarissa’s windowsill. In case you don’t know…. in every episode, Clarissa’s best male friend (it seems she doesn’t have or know any women her own age) comes to visit her in her bedroom by climbing a ladder from outside. It’s pretty weird but everybody goes along with it.

CLARISSA:
(Without looking up from her project)

Hey Sam.

SAM:
Hey Clarissa; What are you doing?

CLARISSA:
You know the science teacher Mr. Webstone?

SAM:
The one that calls everyone on the boy’s swim team Tab Hunter?

CLARISSA:
Uh huh. He made our class project to build a model solar system made from something found around the house. So I chose chewing gum.

SAM:
That’s a lot of gum.

CLARISSA:
I know. I REALLLLLY didn’t think it through. Here. Help me out.

(She hands Sam a stick of gum, he begins to chew it)

CLARISSA:
What are you up to?

SAM:
(Nervous)

Not a lot. Just sorta…. y’know…. doing my Sam thang. Sammy Sam. Sam Sammy. (Sings this line surprisingly well) SAAAAAAAAM.

CLARISSA:
Sam. Is everything okay?

SAM:
Uh. No. Actually. It’s not.

CLARISSA:
What’s wrong?

Suddenly, there is an enormous crash down the hall.

SAM:
What was that?!

Clarissa’s usually earthy cool Mother (Elizabeth Hess) comes into the room completely enraged and disheveled, she’s holding what is left of a floor lamp and is shaking it at someone in the hall.

MOM:
You better stay back. Marshall. I AM WARNING YOU!

Suddenly a large vase comes smashing into Clarissa’s room. It hits the wall and crumbles to pieces.

MOM:
OKAY! NOW YOU’VE DONE IT!!!!!!

Clarissa’s Mom grabs Clarissa’s TV, she picks it up surprisingly easily…. she hurls it into the hall. We hear it someone and then we hear someone fall down a flight of stairs.

MOM:
LONG LIVE THE GODDAMN QUEEEEEEEEN!

Clarissa’s Mom hikes her dress up and spanks herself on the ass repeatedly. Sam and Clarissa stare on completely freaked out. Rightfully so, by the way… oh…. I forgot to mention…. Clarissa’s Mom isn’t wearing underwear so that adds to the weird factor.

CLARISSA:
Mom?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

MOM:
(Returning to her earthy cool self)

Oh. Hi honey. Your father and I are having a little argument.

A chair comes flying into the room at Clarissa’s Mom. Clarissa shouts:

CLARISSA:
LOOK OUT!

But it’s too late. The chair hits Clarissa’s Mom and she falls to the ground. Just then Clarissa’s Dad (Joe ‘O’ Connor) runs in just as dishelved and crazy as the Mom, if not more.

DAD:
ADIOS CONNIE THE CUNT!

CLARISSA:
DAD!

DAD:
Sorry. Honey. Your Mother and I-

Clarissa’s Mom bites Dad on the leg. He collapes to the ground in pain.

DAD:
JESUS CHRIST!

MOM:
That’ll teach you to bring that stuff into my house again!

CLARISSA:
What’s going on? What stuff?

MOM:
Tell her Marshall!

DAD:
Janet I don’t think this is the time or-

Clarissa’s Mom steps on Dad’s fingers. He winces in horrible pain. I’ve never had my fingers stepped on but I imagine its a terrible feeling. I’ve done some other weird shit that hurts though…. and I will again.

DAD:
OW! Okay. Okay. Your Mom is a bit angry with me because I’ve recently started…. well I’ve fallen back on an old habit…. something we’ve all worked through…. as a family and I thought I’d left behind me…. at the clinic but….. I guess I’m as strong…. as I thought as I was.

CLARISSA:
Dad? Don’t say that you’re…. you’re not…. Oh God. Are you….. collecting Madame Alexander Dolls again?

Dad, like an ashamed child wells up with tears and shakes his head: Yes. He then begins to weep.

MOM:
(Enraged again, this woman is BAT-tay)

How fucking dare you bring this back to our family. Just when we were ready to cope again and move on…. move on to a better life… you promised me that Marshall, you promised each and every ONE OF US THAT!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU HOW FUC-

She’s begun kicking him with her Wonderfully Comfortable, Affordable, and Practical Birkenstock
(They’re a sponsor on this blog. Not really. But wouldn’t that be cool?) Sam pulls her off of him.

CLARISSA:
Guys! STOP IT! You’re acting like children. I thought we decided that if this EVER happened again we would go to counseling immediately. We wouldn’t let it take over our lives like last time. You both promised ME that. Now, you’re the parents here and I’m a fourteen year old girl, and fourteen year old girls need parents. Right, Drew Barrymore?

Drew Barrymore pops out of nowhere.

DREW BARRYMORE:
I’ll say!

She disappears from wherever she came. I picture a hat box.

CLARISSA:
So fight, be mad, whatever but….. lets figure out a way to fix this. As a family. We’ve done it before and we can do it again.

This was a super touching moment, if you couldn’t tell. MJH knows how to deliver shit like this. I’d hardly say it makes a feminism icon. Everyone has calmed down for a moment. It is quiet and after a moment, Clarissa walks over to give her Mom and Dad a hug but in the process she steps on a Madame Alexander “Scarlet ‘O’ Hara” Doll that is in the floor. Her Dad FLIPS OUT.

DAD:
(Crawling over to the doll)

AHHHHHHH! Watch where you’re going! Is she hurt!? IS SHE HURT!?!?

MOM:
(Enraged again)

JESUS CHRIST, MARSHALL! You sick bastard!!!!!!

She grabs him and they begin pushing and hitting each other, rolling out of the room into the hallway. We hear more things breaking and shattering. Clarissa, panicked, looks at Sam.

CLARISSA:
What am I supposed to do, Sam?!

SAM:
Well, you could come with me.

CLARISSA:
Where are you going?

SAM:
Thats what I came to tell you. I’m running away. My Dad…. he found gay porn under my bed. I wasn’t even looking at it…. but I was holding onto it for…. well, oddly enough- your science teacher Mr. Webstone…. apparently, it really bugs his wife. But…. he got really mad and crazy so I’m running away.

CLARISSA:
Running away?!

SAM:
Yea. Wanna come?

CLARISSA:
And just leave my family? Right now?

SAM:
Now or never, Clarissa. I’m getting on the 4 ‘o’ clock bus to Detroit.

CLARISSA:
(Terribly torn like a lady birthing triplets)

I don’t know…..

A microwave comes crashing into the room, as we hear Clarissa’s Mom scream, the microwave lands on the floor, it DINGS, and the door opens to reveal a freshly heated plate of the perfect afternoon snack Bagel Bites, Clarissa grabs her coat and follows Sam to the window. Just before she climbs out she stops and runs back.

CLARISSA:
WAIT!

She grabs the Bagel Bites and follows Sam down the ladder.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Advertisements
Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized

Tags:

You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site.

5 Comments on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL”

  1. katelyn Says:

    very in character and well narrated. A+

  2. Matt Says:

    The Drew Barrymore hat box moment made my day. Congrats. ❤

  3. Will Says:

    Thank you for bringing attention to this horrible addiction.

    It really needs to be discussed more.

    Can’t wait for PT 2!

  4. Lucas Says:

    I enjoyed this so much, I decided to catch up with the CLARISSA cast via their IMDB pages. Turns out acting gigs have been shockingly scarce for Sam and Ferguson Darling since Clarissa stopped explaining it all. Lesson learned? You don’t eff with Melissa Joan Hart.

  5. Samantha Says:

    LOVED IT! hehe I could totally envision it all happening.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: