Sitcom Fan Fiction: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL (Part Two)


Previously on ‘Clarissa Explains It All’ (or click here to read PART ONE)

We see Clarissa (Melissa Joan Hart)’s Mom (Elizabeth Hess) and Dad (Joe ‘O’ Connor) fighting, uncontrollably on the floor. We cut to Clarissa asking:

CLARISSA:
Dad? Don’t say that you’re…. you’re not…. Oh God. Are you….. collecting Madame Alexander Dolls again?

The parents fight some more. Eventually it cuts to:

CLARISSA:
What am I supposed to do, Sam?!

SAM:
Well, you could come with me. I’m running away. My Dad…. he found gay porn under my bed. I wasn’t even looking at it…. but I was holding onto it for…. well, oddly enough- your science teacher Mr. Webstone…. apparently, it really bugs his wife. But…. he got really mad and crazy so I’m running away. Wanna come?

CLARISSA:
(Terribly torn like a lady birthing triplets)

I don’t know…..

A microwave comes crashing into the room, as we hear Clarissa’s Mom scream, the microwave lands on the floor, it DINGS, and the door opens to reveal a freshly heated plate of the perfect afternoon snack Bagel Bites, Clarissa grabs her coat and follows Sam to the window.

NEW EPISODE BEGINS HERE!

We return from commercial to an ill lit motel room with two double beds. It’s the kind of motel room someone has undoubtedly been murdered in. The kind of hotel room that is only two doors down from the out of order ice machine. Clarissa (Melissa Joan Hart) is lying on her bed reading a sports magazine with OJ Simpson on the cover. She says to herself:

CLARISSA:
OJ Simpson, we need more American athletes like you.

The audience doesn’t laugh or even notice the irony because it 1993 and a lot of shit hasn’t happened yet. “A Chorus Line” has though.

Sam (Sean ‘O’ Neal) comes into the room, via a ladder and the window just like he does at home.

CLARISSA:
Y’know Sam. You can use the front door here.

Visibly shook up by this idea.

SAM:
(Shaking his head ‘no’ and muttering to himself)

No. No. I don’t think I could.

He snaps out of it.

SAM:
The guy at the front desk swears we’re related.

CLARISSA:
Maybe you are.

SAM:
I doubt it. First of all, he’s black…. second of all, no one on my father’s side of the family has ever worked in customer service….. and third of all, everyone on my Mom’s side died in that movie theater explosion.

CLARISSA:
Touche. How’d the job search go?

SAM:
Not great.

CLARISSA:
As in, you applied for stuff but no one gave you an answer up front- not great…. or….?

SAM:
As in…. nobody wants to hire me. Or you.

CLARISSA:
How do you know?!

SAM:
Because everyone said “I don’t want to hire you. Or your friend.”

CLARISSA:
Crap!

SAM:
I know.

CLARISSA:
One week on our own and we STILL can’t find work.

Clarissa buries her head in her pillow. It’s in a floral pillow case and the audience can’t help but wonder what kind of human fluids are all over it. I could guess but it’d just gross you out.

CLARISSA:
Sam. I’ve only got two bucks left. What are we gonna do?

SAM:
Well, I have four dollars… and this brand new walkmen I got for Christmas!

He produces a new walkmen. Let’s not forget that this is 1993 and such an item would be considered nice and luxurious. Sorta like having an iPod Nano nowadays…. or a wheat allergy.

CLARISSA:
That’s still not going to help us pay this week’s rent. Or eat. Or…. Sam. Should we just go home?

SAM:
NO! Absolutely not. We’ll figure something out.

CLARISSA:
What about that diner across the road. Did you go in there?

SAM:
Of course I went in there. That was one of the first places I went.

CLARISSA:
And….?

SAM:
They said…. they hadn’t hired anyone in twenty years and didn’t plan on it until Miss Sally died. Said she’s such a hard worker that it’d take more than one person to even replace her.

CLARISSA:
Miss Sally? Is that the really sweet old lady waitress that works the counter?

SAM:
Uh huh. She’s been there since 1921 or something crazy. There’s a photo of her and Franklin Roosevelt, and if you look at it the right way it looks like he’s sticking his tongue in her ear.

CLARISSA:
Gross! What’s he really doing?

SAM:
Oh….. he’s actually sticking his tongue in her ear.

CLARISSA:
GROSSSSS! Hey. Wait a second. I have an idea.

SAM:
What is it?

CLARISSA:
This might sound sorta weird…. or I don’t know…. maybe it won’t…. you ARE from Arkansas.

The audience laughs like: “Everybody in the south is fucked up”

CLARISSA:
What if….. now bare with me on this…. what if….. we killed Miss Sally and took her job?! You said it yourself…. they’d have to hire more than one person to replace her!

Sam stares into Clarissa’s eyes with extreme concentration. For a moment or two, we think he might be thinking: Clarissa is nuts or Melissa Joan Hart isn’t going to age well….. while, he might be thinking the latter, he quickly smiles and shouts:

SAM:
Clarissa, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this but you REALLY do explain it all!

Even though that doesn’t really make that much sense, the audience laughs because…. HAHA…. thats the name of this show!!!!!!!!! OMG!

CLARISSA:
So. You mean. You wanna do it?

Sam produces an enormous hunting knife. It’s really shocking and jarring to see… especially out of nowhere like this. He holds it up and it catches the light in an almost beautiful, elegant way.

SAM:
Yea. Lets go get jobs.

TO BE CONTINUED

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4 Comments on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL (Part Two)”

  1. ryanjhughes Says:

    1. Now I want bagel bites…
    2. What do you think happened to the actor who played Sam? (No IMDB!) My guess? Meth Addict.
    3. Melissa Joan Hart of Gold’s wikipedia page states that she is a “Actress, director, producer, writer, singer, businesswoman”. Color me impressed.
    4. This is my first time reading your blog but now that I see you’ve made Murphy Brown fan fiction, I may have to add this blog to my favorites.
    5. Will you ever do a Golden Girls fan fiction? (PLEASE)
    5. Would this be an inappropriate time to pimp my blog? (You kind of set it up anyways thanks to my blog title) No? Okay good: http://ryanexplainsitall.wordpress.com/

  2. JamesGames Says:

    hi there
    i’m so pleased that i saw this page. that comment was so helpful. thanks again i added the rss on this website.
    are you going to write similar posts?


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