Archive for January 2010

Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 3)

01/29/2010


A Scene from: CYBILL (Part 3)
By Jeffery Self

Previously on CYBILL read Part 1 and Part 2

Late that night in the prison. Cybill and Maryann are creeping down the dark hall of cells. In the shadows, various prisoners can be heard moaning and snoring. It’s frightening and spooky.

MARYANN:
Oh dear God. I hate long dark tight spaces.

CYBILL:
So did my ex-husband. Thats why he married me! WHAM!

The audience laughs.

MARYANN:
God. As a little girl I slept with the lights on every night. I was just terrified of the dark.

CYBILL:
Hm. I’ve never been afraid of the dark. I had a lot of fears growing up…. getting fat, not getting famous, not winning an Oscar someday…. but the dark never scared me. I just used to have this recurring nightmare where Candice Bergen beat me out of an Oscar.

MARYANN:
(Laughing)

Cybill. The idea of Candice Bergen winning an Oscar is almost as ridiculous an idea as you winning an Oscar- (catching herself, whoops) I mean….. Candice Bergen is a holocaust denier.

CYBILL:
This is it! Cell 45. Oh my God, I can hear her sleeping.

We hear loud snoring coming from the cell.

MARYANN:
Are you sure that’s not a steamboat pulling out of Boston Harbor? Jesus Christ. I’ll meet you on the Leto deck!

CYBILL:
Okay. Here’s the plan. I open the cell door with this key I got from the guard downstairs.

MARYANN:
How did you manage to get that guard to give you his key?

CYBILL:
Do you want the real answer or the answer I’d tell my daughters?

MARYANN:
Cybill. You know me better than that!

CYBILL:
In that case- I let him have my panties, I unhinged my jaw and gave the ole’ gag reflex a check up. Turns out, I still don’t have one. Sooooo….. score one for me.

MARYANN:
And score one for that guardsmen.

CYBILL:
So after I open the door, you tiptoe into the cell and look under the bed. Chances are thats where she keeps the stash. I’m gonna check behind the toilet.

MARYANN:
I got it. I get the bed…. you get the toilet.

CYBILL:
Hm. There’s a comment to be made here about the last time we partied at Jack Nicholson’s house but I’ll restrain myself.

MARYANN:
I won’t! It was REALLY weird what Jack Nicholson did to me in his bed and especially what he did to you on his toilet.

CYBILL:
Not so much weird as…. I dunno….. surprising.

MARYANN:
I’d say!

CYBILL:
Okay. Lets do this. Go.

In a very dim light we see the two tip toe into the cell…. Maryann slides her hand under the bed, on which Big Amanda is sleeping, there is nothing under it…. she looks over and Cybill with a “What now?” expression. Cybill pokes her head behind the toilet and gags. Cybill points to underneath the pillow on Big Amanda’s bed. Then carefully, terrified, slowly they tip toe over to it, and gracefully left her head without waking her up and find nothing under the pillow. They shrug at each other and begin tip toeing out of the cell, right as they get to the door, Maryann without thinking says loudly:

MARYANN:
I’d eat a baby for a martini right now.

Cybill turns around bug eyed: SHHHHHHHH! Its too late, Big Amanda wakes up, confused, looking around. She is huge, frightening, an ogre of sorts. She spots Cybill and Maryann.

BIG AMANDA:
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?

CYBILL:
We’re leaving! We’re leaving!

BIG AMANDA:
STOP RIGHT THERE! Both of you.

Cybill and Maryann freeze in place.

BIG AMANDA:
Walk over here.

They begin to slowly walk toward her

BIG AMANDA:
Walk backwards.

Cybill and Maryann stop and walk backwards.

BIG AMANDA:
(Incredibly amused)

Haha. Y’all look silly. Okay stop. (Tough again) Who the hell are you?

CYBILL:
I’m Cybill and this is my friend Maryann.

BIG AMANDA:
Like friend friend or prison lady friend? Tit play in the show, mutual oral…. that kinda thing.

CYBILL:
Just friend friend.

MARYANN:
As of now.

Cybill looks over at Maryann like: “WHAT?!” and Maryann shrugs as if to say: I DONT KNOW! I AM TERRIFIED!

BIG AMANDA:
What are you two doing in my cell?

CYBILL:
It’s a funny story, kind of….

BIG AMANDA:
Funnier than Sinbad because to me, he’s IT. That’s one guy with his finger on the pulse.

CYBILL:
Well…. maybe…. basically, here’s what happened-

BIG AMANDA:
Wait! Before you say ANYTHING. Have you girls ever played ‘Guess Who?’

CYBILL:
Uh. Thats that board game where people try to guess which card the person has?

BIG AMANDA:
EXACTLY!

MARYANN:
I’ve played that.

CYBILL:
Me too.

BIG AMANDA:
OOOOO! Fun! Two against one. I bet I beat y’all!

CYBILL:
Um. Okay.

Big Amanda goes and gets a copy of the Guess Who game and sets it up on the floor. She sits down like a giant kid. Very excited. Cybill and Maryann are super confused but sit down at their board.

BIG AMANDA:
Pick your card!!!!!!

They do.

BIG AMANDA:
Okay. Are you wearing glasses?

CYBILL:
No.

BIG AMANDA:
Haha! NICE! Your turn!!!!!

She turns over all the places on her board with glasses.

CYBILL:
Uh. Are you a man?

BIG AMANDA:
(What a silly question)

Of course not!!!!! Hahahaha.

Maryann turns over all the men on her board.

CYBILL:
So about why we snuck in here….

BIG AMANDA:
Wait wait. Are you wearing a hat?

MARYANN:
No.

BIG AMANDA:
Ooooooo. I am SO gonna win this.

CYBILL:
We snuck in because, Maryann accidentally set fire to-

MARYANN:
(Getting into the game)

Hold on, Cybill. Do you have red hair?

BIG AMANDA:
(Nervous)

Uh huh.

MARYANN:
(Proud of herself)

Aha!

She’s on the verge of winning.

CYBILL:
So we got arrested but we’re in here trying to make ammends with a lady named Yolanda, do you know her?

BIG AMANDA:
(Without looking up from the game)

Sure. I do. She’s mean. She never plays with me.

CYBILL:
Okay. Well…. she made us sneak in here to-

BIG AMANDA:
Are you George?

MARYANN:
Heavens no!!!!!

BIG AMANDA:
DAMMIT!

CYBILL:
To steal-

MARYANN:
Are you Elizabeth?

BIG AMANDA:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

MARYANN:
(Totally engrossed in the game)

Gawd!

BIG AMANDA:
Are you Michael?

MARYANN:
No!!

CYBILL:
Stop it! Both of you. Listen to me! Stop playing the game. We need to figure this out!

Big Amanda lets out a terrible scream and kicks over the board. She jumps onto her bed and begins to pout like a child.

CYBILL:
Big Amanda…. we snuck in here because Yolanda wanted us to steal your stash and give it to her or else she is gonna kill Maryann.

BIG AMANDA:
Big Amanda wants to be alone. Big Amanda is sad.

CYBILL:
But perhaps you could give us your stash and that way Maryann won’t-

BIG AMANDA:
Nobody ever plays with me and you won’t even let me finish a game. Nobody loves Big Amanda.

CYBILL:
But Big Amanda, listen we-

Big Amanda lets out a loud scream and holds it for a long period of time. Like a baby crying for a bottle. Suddenly Yolanda runs in

YOLANDA:
Stop! Stop! Don’t kill them.

CYBILL:
Yolanda?!

YOLANDA:
I felt terrible. I can’t let her kill my favorite off Broadway musical star. I’d never get to fulfill my fantasy of you singing that song at my fortieth birthday party.

CYBILL:
I don’t think she’s killing anybody-

YOLANDA:
Big Amanda. Look. I’m sorry I’ve been mean to you in the past but its because I’m jealous.

CYBILL:
Jealous?!

YOLANDA:
I’m jealous of your stash. Thats why I wanted them to steal it.

BIG AMANDA:
But you don’t have to steal Big Amanda’s stash. Big Amanda will share. Big Amanda just wants somebody to play with her.

YOLANDA:
You put out a vibe that scares people…. puts people off…. and makes us think you don’t wanna share.

BIG AMANDA:
Really? You wanna play with me?

YOLANDA:
It’s all I want in the world…. now that I’ve gotten to meet the star of ‘Middle Aged Italian Lesbians, the musical’.

BIG AMANDA:
You should’ve said something. All I want is someone to share my stash with. It gets so lonely in here.

YOLANDA:
Then lets do it.

Big Amanda takes out a large box full of board games.

BIG AMANDA:
Monopoly or Poggle?

YOLANDA:
Poggle!

They sit down on the floor and begin to play.

CYBILL:
Wait. The stash is….

YOLANDA:
(Duh)
The prison’s supply of board games. Big Amanda is in charge of them.

MARYANN:
So you were gonna kill me over-

YOLANDA:
Board games. That’s right.

MARYANN:
I don’t believe it.

YOLANDA:
Have you ladies ever been in prison before? This is my ninth time in here. It gets so lonely, boring, sad. Board games…. I don’t know…. they’re sort of a reminder of the past….. that no matter what happens, some things never change.

BIG AMANDA:
Roll the dice! Roll the dice!

They begin playing the game and Cybill and Maryann wander out of the cell.

MARYANN:
Board games? Life in prison is so strange. But y’know what…. these gals in here…. they’re no different than us-

CYBILL:
How so?

MARYANN:
They just want a little companionship. Thats all.

CYBILL:
I didn’t think of it that way but you’re right, Maryann. (Thoughtful) They’re just like us…. and its funny, before I was so worried about being knowing how to audition for the role of a…..

MARYANN:
Huh?

CYBILL:
Oh nothing. Lets call Ira and get out of here. (They begin walking down the halll) Did I tell you about the part I’m getting in this new TV movie? She a middled woman who goes to prison and it’s got Emmy written ALL over it!

MARYANN:
The last thing you got close to with Emmy award written all over it was Jack Nicholson’s inner thigh…..

CYBILL:
I can’t imagine that ink ever washed out….

MARYANN:
It doesn’t….. I still have ‘I was in The Shining’ written all over my lower back.

They laugh as they exit.

End of episode.

Advertisements

Go see Charles Busch in his new play, y’all.

01/28/2010

Y’all should check out the amazingly talented Charles Busch and his new play ‘The Divine Sister’ at Theater for The New City beginning next weekend. I’m uber psyched to see it.

I got to know Charles a few months ago after being a long time fan of his and I cannot WAIT for his newest play. One of the things I think is so cool about this particular show is how he’s doing it. As profiled in his wonderful novel ‘Whores of Lost Atlantis’, Charles’ career started from the ground up. He started writing and performing solo shows, booking himself in theaters all across the country, and slowly…. before the power of Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube developed a career and following. Then when he started writing plays he brought that same gumption of ‘Just do it’ and put up the shows with his friends downtown…. and from that…. over the years he became a full fledged cult icon and theater luminary. His plays and movies are now seen all over the world… and it all came from this one guy with really good ideas, getting his shit together, and DOING SOMETHING.

More than most people, Charles Busch represented the YouTube generation at a time BEFORE the YouTube generation or even YouTube came about. By that I mean, he didn’t wait around for anybody else…. he just did it….. putting his stuff out there the way he wanted to do it, for all the world to see.

And now, Charles is taking his latest play back to the root of things, downtown, in a small theater, for 24 performances only, no critics, just putting the play out there. I think thats super cool.

I can’t wait. He’s a big hero of mine with much to teach all of us…. and most importantly…. thats to just go out and DO IT.

Check out more info on ‘The Divine Sister’ here.

Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 2)

01/27/2010


A Scene from: CYBILL
By Jeffery Self

Previously on CYBILL…. click HERE for Part 1

We return from commercial in a Prison cafeteria. It’s a bleak room with flourescent lighting and drab, ugly cinderblock walls. It looks like…. well, a prison cafeteria. Women in orange jumpsuits sit at long tables eating gross mushy food. Cybill Sheridan (Cybill Shepherd) and Maryann Thorpe (Christine Baranski) enter in their orange jumpsuits. Maryann has fashioned hers to fit her a bit more stylishly by rolling up her sleeves. They look completely out of place in this den of rough broads. Maryann immediately takes a seat at the long table and looks around confused.

MARYANN:
I guess its just a seat yourself kind of place. I didn’t see a hostess.

CYBILL:
Maryann-

MARYANN:
Then again, maybe the hostess ran off with our (yelling so someone can hear her) WAITER.

CYBILL:
Maryann, there isn’t a waiter or a hostess…. we have to wait in that line.

She points at a line circling into the cafeteria serving buffet. Maryann gives the line a strange, confused look.

CYBILL:
It’s a cafeteria.

Another confused look.

MARYANN:
Like in high school.

Another confused look.

CYBILL:
Didn’t you go to high school?

MARYANN:
Well, yes. Duh. Cybill. Everyone went to high school.

A LARGE LADY INMATE SEATED AT THE TABLE BESIDE THEM:
I didn’t.

Maryann whinces and jumps up. She and Cybill scurry into the cafeteria line. Picking up trays. They take a frightened, puzzled look at the nasty mush being served.

MARYANN:
(To the cafeteria worker)

Which one of these is the chicken option?

CAFETERIA WORKER:
Honey…. just between you and me…. the closest thing to actual meat in any of these things is probably in that thing over there but….. unless you the like the taste of gerbils I wouldn’t eat it.

Maryann gags.

CYBILL:
We’ll take two apples and some bread please. Thanks.

They walk to find a table.

MARYANN:
I would do anything for a martini right now.

Teri, a humongous female prisoner, stops her.

TERI:
Anything?

CYBILL:
Oh! You get away from her!

TERI:
And who the hell are you supposed to be?

CYBILL:
(Panicked and awkwardly)

Uh…. uh…. my name is Cybill, and she’s my BITCH! So you better back off you dirty whore unless you want to see what the inside of your asshole smells like.

Teri and all the other prisoners are shocked and walk away from Cybill and Maryann.

MARYANN:
Cybill! I’m impressed.

CYBILL:
Well. I DID play a middle aged Italian lesbian in that off Broadway musical.

MARYANN:
Oh right. What was that called?

CYBILL:
‘Middle Aged Italian Lesbians, the musical.’

MARYANN:
Right. (Singing) Parmeasn and Mozzerla, don’t come near me….. ‘Cause I don’t need no fella….. cause I’m a middle aged-

CYBILL:
I can’t believe that show didn’t catch on.

MARYANN:
Oh crap. There she is!

CYBILL:
Yolanda?

MARYANN:
Uh huh.

CYBILL:
Which one is she?

MARYANN:
The one with the scar on her face in the shape of Oklahoma.

CYBILL:
Oh my God, it does look just like-

MARYANN:
Don’t stare her. She hates it when people stare at her scar.

Yolanda approaches. She is tall, blonde, brooding, super skinny and wirey. Very crack whore chic. She’s got lots of tattoos and the face of someone who has LIVED. Also, she does in fact have a scar the shape of Oklahoma on her face.

YOLANDA:
Yo! Thorpe. Did you think I didn’t see you come in here. I smelt you five miles away….. like a shark smelling menstral blood in the Gulf of Mexico.

MARYANN:
(Terrified)

I…. I-

YOLANDA:
Now look. I’m not gonna cut your throat right here in the middle of the cafeteria. Last time I did that, I got suspended from my middle school for TWO WHOLE WEEKS…. which is when people started calling me that awful nickname.

CYBILL:
Your nick name?

YOLANDA:
Yea. ‘That Middle Schooler who got suspended for two whole weeks’. God, kids can be so cruel. So LISTEN UP! I am not kill you right here…. too many witnesses…. plus I’m hungry and I hate the way beef stew tastes when its got blood in it….. so tonight….. I’m gonna sneak into your cell, and my girl Rachel is gonna watch my back while I come in there, with the razor blade I keep underneath my stack of Marie Claire Magazines, and I’m gonna kill you. Got that straight?

Maryann is trembling and choked on fear.

CYBILL:
(Nervous)

Now…. listen…. here….. uh….. don’t you think we could settle this—- someway besides…. murdering…. her?

YOLANDA:
Who the hell are you?

CYBILL:
Uh. My name is Cybill. And I’m Maryann’s best friend…. and I think we could figure out a way to handle this situation without-

YOLANDA:
Have we met before?

CYBILL:
Uh….. I don’t think so-

YOLANDA:
You look real familiar. We fuck?

CYBILL:
Uh. Pretty sure not.

YOLANDA:
Hmmmmm. Weird. WAIT! WAIT! I think I got it. Are you an actress?

CYBILL:
(Flattered)

Ha. Yes. For several years I was a series regular on a wonderful courtroom drama where I played-

YOLANDA:
Were you in ‘Middle Aged Italian Lesbians, the musical’?

CYBILL:
(Oh that)

Uh. Yes. Actually. I was.

YOLANDA:
DAAAAAAMN! I knew you looked familiar. You sang my favorite song. (Singing) People think its all glitz and glamourous….. when you’re a middle aged Italian lesbian like us….. but baby there is more…. baby it is rough…. honey it is tough when you are a midd-

CYBILL:
That was me!

YOLANDA:
WOW! My friend Leslie will NEVER believe this. I gotta introduce you guys.

CYBILL:
Well, where is she?

YOLANDA:
She ain’t been arrested yet but…. don’t worry… she will be…. she’s been selling babies to the Japanese out of her garage, I’m pretty sure its only a matter of time before she gets busted.

CYBILL:
Oh. Great. Well. Then I’ll look forward to meeting her.

YOLANDA:
SUH-WEET. You just turned my frown upside down, lady.

CYBILL:
I’m glad I could help. Hey. Maybe you could help me with something?

YOLANDA:
Whats that, superstar?

CYBILL:
How about you don’t kill my friend Maryann….

YOLANDA:
Awwwww. Come on Broadway idol, I can’t go doing something like that just cause you’re the most famous lady I’ve ever met. Second to Leslie Ann Warren but…. I didn’t have to put on a leather harness and call you a mangy slut!

CYBILL:
But why…. isn’t there SOME other way you could settle your difference besides murdering her?????

YOLANDA:
(After some careful thought)

Okay. Okay. I hate being that person, I really do. And if you let anybody know I let you twist my arm, I will rip that women’s uterus out of her body and wear it on my head as a hat, like an old french society lady.

CYBILL:
Do french women wear ut- oh never mind. Okay. Deal.

YOLANDA:
But she’s gotta do me a favor.

MARYANN:
What?!

YOLANDA:
Yea. Fancy pants. You gotta go up to cell 45 and steal Big Amanda’s stash and bring it to me.

MARYANN:
Her stash?

CYBILL:
But Yolanda, we just got into this place but even we know that nobody is crazy enough to go up to cell 45 and mess with Big Amanda. She’s a legend.

MARYANN:
Yea. Some say she doesn’t even think she exists….. like that last level on Mario Brothers where people say you fight Margret Thatcher.

CYBILL:
You play Mario Brothers?

MARYANN:
I simply ADORE video games.

CYBILL:
Who knew?

YOLANDA:
SHUT UP! If she wants to live, and she wants to keep her uterus off my head…. then you’ll get me that stash. I’m giving you one night. Get it done…..

CYBILL:
But Yolanda, thats an impossible-

YOLANDA:
(Faking a yawn)

Oh Rachel. I can’t WAAAAAIT to wear my new hat to lunch tomorrow. I’ll finally feel like a civilized French society lady.

She and Rachel laugh. They high five and the chest bump. They begin to exit, Yolanda stops.

YOLANDA:
See ya in the morning. Hey. Cybill, how does the last verse of your big song go?

CYBILL:
(Singing)

‘So forget what you’ve heard,
I don’t wanna hear ya cry,
I won’t tell ya twice
And I won’t tell a lie….
I’m a middle aged
Italian
Lesbian
Just trying…. my hardest…. to get BYYYYYYYY!’

YOLANDA:
GOD! I love that show!

She exits. Cybill and Maryann turn to each other with looks of dread and terror on their faces.

We go to commercial.
To be continued.

Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 1)

01/26/2010


A Scene from: CYBILL
By Jeffery Self

Cybill Sheridan (Cybill Shepherd) is in the living room of her Los Angeles home, standing in front of the mirror with a script, rehearsing for an audition.

CYBILL:
(Reading the script aloud, giving it her all)

Do you hear me? Do you HEAR ME, Hector?! I threw it out….. all of it…. every last bottle…. I cleaned out the refridgerator, the freezer, the mini-bar, the flask of Southern Comfort I used to keep in the top of the toilet in case I got stuck in there for those long periods of time. Or those times I had long periods. Well those days are behind me Hector! The periods stopped five years ago, and the booze…. today…. right this moment….. I am saying it out loud….. I, Debra Ferguson, have had my last drink…. now, please…. please…. I beg of you…. let me see my daughter again! PLEEEEEEASE, HECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zooey Sheridan (Alicia Witt), Cybill’s sarcastic daughter…. think Darlene Connor but with red hair and no where near the delivery of Sarah Gilbert…. sorry Alicia Witt, you were awesome on the show but like…. Sarah Gilbert ought to be a national icon if she’s not already. In my nation, she already is…. and by that I mean…. the nation of SOUL. Right, folks?

Zooey enters right on cue and dryly says:

ZOOEY:
Uh. I’m right here, Mom.

The audience laughs. Timing y’all.

CYBILL:
NO! Not you. I don’t wanna see you…. I’m rehearsing. Jesus Christ. I was on a roll, Zooey.

ZOOEY:
Sorry Mom.

CYBILL:
It’s fine. It’s fine. Its just…. you do this all the time and I can’t not figure this is somehow related to why I haven’t booked a gig in five years.

ZOOEY:
(A little hurt)

Okay. I’m sorry.

CYBILL:
This is such a great role. Like Emmy Award kinda stuff.

ZOOEY:
Well, I know you’d like to have one of those…..

She gives a sudtle glance to the camera/audience…. both the stuido audience and the folks at home go wild because at this point we’re in season four and everyone with a copy of Entertainment Weekly knows the real Cybill Shepherd hasn’t won an Emmy for this show yet and Christine Baranski has…. no one has admitted to off camera tensions because of this but its like…. come on…. you KNOW they’re there. For this reason: Zooey’s joke LANDS. I mean LAAAAAANDS. US Airways Flight 1549 into the Hudson River LANDS. What? Too soon?

She sits down on the sofa.

CYBILL:
I’m in a groove. Its a perfect part for me. I’m playing a kind, devoted, loving mother who is overcoming alcoholism….. so can you please GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

She downs a nearby martini and returns to the mirror.

ZOOEY:
Devoted loving mother overcoming alcholoism. You’re right. Great part for you.

Zooey exits.

CYBILL:
(Talking herself up in the mirror)
Okay Cybill, baby. You’ve got this. You’re an Earth Mother full of pizazz and charism. You’re unique. Unique New York. Unique New York. You know I love Unique New York. OKAY. ARE YOU READY, CYBILL?! ARE YOU FREAKING READY?!?!?!?!??!?! (Like a football player getting himself pumped up) THEN LETS TEAR THE HEAD OFF THIS MONOLOGUE AND MAKE IT WISH IT HAD STAYED BACK AT NOTRE DAME BECAUSE THE GREEN BAY PACKERS ARE GONNA WIN THIS GAME, YOU PANSIES!!!!!!!!!!

She snarls at her reflection like a rabid dog. The phone rings. No one picks it up.

CYBILL:
(Annoyed)

Is anybody gonna get that? (No answer. Then sarcastic) Oh. No problem, I’ll get it. (Into phone) Hello? Oh Hi Peter. I’m well…. just working on that scene for tomorrow’s audition…. yes for…. ‘Debra Ferguson puts down the bottle’. Whats up?…. Oh….. a rewrite…. to the audition scene?…. but I’ve already memorized the…. okay…. so what happens in the script now?…. she goes to prison?….. but its called….. Oh….. ‘Debra Ferguson goes to prison’ does have a better ring to it I guess….. Okay. Okay. Fax over the new scene. Thanks, Peter.

She hangs up.

CYBILL:
(To herself)

Crap.

Zooey reenters.

ZOOEY:
I’m just getting some water….. then I’m outta the way.

CYBILL:
It’s fine. Stay in here. I’m totally screwed.

ZOOEY:
Why? Whats up?

CYBILL:
I spend all weekend getting ready for this part….. I literally stopped drinking for TWO HOURS yesterday, just to like…. see what it felt like to be sober… y’know? Terrifiying by the way. And now they call and say they’re changed my audition scene to being in prison.

ZOOEY:
So?

CYBILL:
SO! I am a method actor, Zooey. You know that…. remember when I was up for that biopic about Harriet Tubman?

ZOOEY:
Oh right. And you made all my friends put on shoe polish and hide underneath the pool house.

CYBILL:
So…. I don’t know ANYTHING about prison. The closest I’ve come to a life of crime is a DUI!

ZOOEY:
Mom, a DUI is a serious crime.

CYBILL:
Not a real DUI, a movie star DUI…. it doesn’t count. They shake their finger at you and ask for an autograph.

The front door flies open and Cybill’s best friend Maryann Thorpe, played by comedy icon/all around master of wonderful Christine Baranski enters in a panic. She slams the door, locks it, throws herself against it.

MARYANN:
You’ve GOT to help me.

CYBILL:
Maryann, whats wrong?

MARYANN:
(Freaking out)

Its just HORRIBLE, terrible, frightening, awful- (Dropping all panic for a moment and pointing at Cybill’s empty glass) Zooey darling, straight up/no olive please. (Back to freak out) I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!

CYBILL:
Maryann. Sit down. Chill out. And tell me whats wrong.

MARYANN:
I’m in trouble, Cybill. Very big trouble.

CYBILL:
What happened?

MARYANN:
(Takes a deep breath)

Okay. Well. You know how I own that abandoned office building downtown?

CYBILL:
You do?

MARYANN:
Yes. It’s a money pit, a burden of my existence, one of the only things left to me in the divorce. Dr. DIIIICK’s idea of a funny joke.

CYBILL:
Okay…..

MARYANN:
So we’ve had complaints from the neighborhood that the place has turned into a headquarters for the Leopard Dog Quuens.

CYBILL:
The what?

MARYANN:
Downtown LA’s most vicious all girl gang.

CYBILL:
Oh.

MARYANN:
Did you hear about that group of women that set Raquel Welch’s car on fire last weekend?

CYBILL:
I did-

MARYANN:
The Leopard Dog Queens.

CYBILL:
OH!

MARYANN:
So this afternoon I was already downtown trying out this new bistro…. have you heard about it?

CYBILL:
No-

MARYANN:
Oh! It’s just divine! I had their belgium chocolate crepe. It’s a slice of heaven if heaven was made of chocolate but then again, maybe it is…. how would I know, I’ve never-

CYBILL:
Maryann…..

MARYANN:
Right. Sorry. So when I was down there I went to speak with Yolanda, the gang leader and give her a TEENY piece of my mind….

CYBILL:
And?

MARYANN:
And harsh words were exchanged… it escalated and….. I set fire the building.

CYBILL:
Oh my God.

MARYANN:
Yolanda was taken into custody but…. I was caught fleeing the scene….. and now…. they’re after me.

CYBILL:
Maryann!

MARYANN:
And whats worse is…. Yolanda threated to kill me and if I go to prison, I’m gonna be stuck in there with her and who knows what could happen-

ZOOEY:
I do. You’ll die.

MARYANN:
Cybill! You’ve got to help me!!!!!! Do something. I don’t care what….. dress up like Harriet Tubman and hide me under your pool house again, anything!

There is a knock at the door.

POLICE:
(Outside the door)

This is the police! Open up!

MARYANN:
PLEASE Cybill! You have GOT to help me.

POLICE:
We’re giving you until the count of ten…..

CYBILL:
I don’t know what to do…..

MARYANN:
Give me that martini! It could be my last drink as a free women!

She downs the martini.

MARYANN:
Or as a live woman!

She begins to lick the empty glass.

CYBILL:
What if you went into prison and apologized to this Yolanda…. and then…. maybe, she won’t kill you?

MARYANN:
(Drinking straight out of the bottle of vodka now)

Do you know what happens to gorgeous women in prison?

CYBILL:
I doubt its that different than what happened to you in the girl’s dorms at Mount Holy Oak.

MARYANN:
But Cybill I-

CYBILL:
I’ll confess with you. We’ll go together! We’ll apologize to Yolanda and then we’ll have Ira get us out.

MARYANN:
He’d do that?

CYBILL:
I married Ira for two reasons: One- he’s the best lawyer in LA and two- he has completely hairless balls. (Calling out) The door is open!

The police bust in.

CYBILL:
Take us both! We both set the fire!

The police handcuff Cybill and Maryann and escort them out.

MARYANN:
(Exiting)
COMPLETELY hairless? Like nothing at all?

CYBILL:
(Following behind her)
Like a Chinese baby, Maryann. Like a Chinese baby.

To be continued

Tonight on UStream at 10PM

01/25/2010


So I just joined UStream, which is a site where I can do a live streaming vlog. You can chat with me, ask me questions about babies, or tell me how much my teeth need whitening. It’s just an experiment to see how this works. I am gonna be LIVE at 10PM tonight (Monday, January 25th) so if you’re at home, bored, or cracked out and looking for a cheap thrill….. tune in.

10PM. Tonight. Click here.

The Fugitive

01/22/2010


A couple days ago, I had just finished watching The View and having my usual lunchtime smoothie and toast. I was in the kitchen washing the blender when my buzzer rang. I answered it, hoping that perhaps it was a package from UPS I had forgotten would be coming…. or Regis Philbin coming over to play Monopoly Is it Sunday already, I asked myself?!

The voice on the buzzer said:

“Hi. I’m with the NYPD investigating illegal construction in the building”

It didn’t really register what he said. So I said.

“Uh…. okay….”

“Can I come up?” he said.

Still confused I said.

“What apartment?”

He then stated my apartment number and the apartment above me.

I said okay but as I walked away from the buzzer, I was struck with how strange it was that someone would want to see the construction in my apartment; the last renovation done on my apartment was long before color TV and possibly before talking motion pictures. The walls crumble at the touch, my door recently rotted off it’s hinge, and there is a spot on my floor that is literally caving in. It looks like a spooky haunted house and a lovely one at that but…. someone wanting to investigate it’s construction is a different matter entirely.

So, obviously, I panicked. This isn’t the NYPD. This isn’t an investigation. This is a flat out, full on serial killer. I am gonna let him into my apartment where I’ll be here all helpless and by myself like the shy, demure housewife that I am and…. I could see it all: His coming in. Closing the door. Circling the hall way and then turning on me. Maybe he’ll pull out a gun, or a even worse a knife. I think I’d rather the gun because at the least that will be less pain. Or will it? No! A knife I don’t think I could handle. I think I’d pass out immediately if he produced the knife but the gun…. take a deep breath…. lets hope he uses a gun.

He’ll demand all the money I’ve got and I’ll sheepishly hand over my wallet. He’ll look inside at the ten dollar bill and maxed out credit cards I’ve carried around for the past four years as a display of my hope that one day I’ll be able to call the 1-800 number on the back and say: ‘Hey. I think I am ready to pay these off now.’ He’ll demand more but I’ll tell him…. I’m sorry, sir….. I don’t have anymore….. he’ll tell me his name is Paul and I’ll be struck with how common and normal a name like Paul sounds… shouldn’t he be called Spike or Stingray? Something violent and scary. Paul seems less like a serial killer/thief and more like a sale clerk in a low rent shoe story talking about how excited he is for the weekend: ‘TGIF, I always say’ he howls to his coworkers in the breakroom as if he, just now, in Harry’s Shoes, he came up with that phrase himself. His coworkers will frown- Paul has a sad life-they’ll think to themselves.

Yea. Paul is a weird name of this killer/thief but that doesn’t stop him.

He’ll take my computer but I’ll beg him, plead him, to let me email myself all my writing documents first. You should have backed up, he’ll tell me. I know I know…. I always meant to I just….. ran out of time…. Ran out of time? He’ll ask…. how many hours did you spend watching TV yesterday?…. That’s beside the point, I’ll scream and then regret it…. I shouldn’t have agitated this man. Eventually, yes…. he will kill me and take my computer….. and my Dad’s cowboy boots….. just to like…. rub it in.

So. I’m standing there in my hallway waiting to let in this allegedly NYPD person and the paranoia got too much to handle. I realized I hadn’t buzzed the man up so I threw on my jacket, thinking: I’ve got to get out of here!!!!!

I ran out the door, down the stairs, but when I got to the front door…. the man was, of course, still there….. waiting to be let in….. he looked at me and I gave him my best ‘I’m not the person you just talked to on the buzzer’ expression.

He asked:
‘Have you noticed any illegal construction in the building?’

I quickly realized he’ll remember my voice from the buzzer earlier so…. my first impulse was to do a British accent and answer his question.

Then I remembered I suck at British accents so…..

I pretended to be mute.

Seriously.

He asked his question again and I weirdly and awkwardly shrugged.

He said ‘Do you live in the building?’

And again, I shrugged, this time adding a weird mute person noise…. a sorta…. arrghh.

He gave me an agitated look.

‘I fucking hate New York City’ his face seemed to say.

And then I ran. Out the door. Down the sidewalk. Trembling, shaking with fear. I continued walking for a good thirty or forty minutes…. I didn’t know where to go…. I didn’t want to go back there because I as sure he’d wait on me…. eventually I returned to the building (across the street just in case, of course) and he was still standing outside the building, waiting, annoyed, smoking a cigarette. This time however, I noticed…. which I hadn’t before…. the large police car with flashing red lights outside. It was suddenly very real.

A million thoughts ran through my head as I paced around my neighborhood for another fifteen minutes. I wondered if I could get arrested for lying to the cop, for pretending to be a mute when I could so clearly talk, I wondered if he would stay there all day, I wondered where the nearest private bathroom was because I really needed to go, I wondered if he’d bust our front door down and be there waiting when I returned, I wondered…. could I ever return? Would I be a fugitive forever? Is this it? A life on the open road? Standing on the corner of 57th street with the wind on my face and in my hair I felt rather free for a moment, untied down…. unstoppable…. it was the first time I’d been out of the house all day…. the sun felt so nice on my skin.

When I got back home both he and his intimidating car were gone. Our front door was in tact (though the door in my apartment is still rotted off its hinge) and I felt a little silly. A large part of me wishes I had just answered the door like a normal person, and a large part of me is proud that my smart upbringing and frequent viewings of horror movies have taught me not to let just anybody into the house unannounced….. and part of me sorta liked being a fugitive, being on the run, without anywhere holding me down… at least it got me out of the house. Sometimes, I guess thats just the push we need…. even just for an hour…. adventure.

In one year.

01/21/2010


I really digged Adam Lambert on Oprah yesterday. I love watching Oprah when she’s very into guests. You can tell when she respects somebody or is a fan of somebody or has a real connection…. and it seemed with Adam Lambert, she did.

I LOVED the whole premise of the entire episode with Adam and Susan Boyle both being people who’s lives changed so INCREDIBLY over the course of just one year. Susan’s appearance on Oprah happened to coincide with the exact one year anniversary when she auditioned for ‘Britian’s Got Talent’. Magical.

And Adam Lambert’s story, which I suppose most of your queers already know about, is just as thrilling and fast.

They both talked to Oprah a lot about what a difference a year can make. And good grief, Molly Brown, is that true. While Adam Lambert and Susan Boyle might be extreme examples of how life can evolve and change in twelve quick months, each of us are examples of the same.

Whether this time last year you were a senior in high school living in your Mom and Dad’s house and now you’re a freshmen living in a smelly dorm room (wash those dirty towels, you lazy weirdos) on some green, old liberal arts school campus or you were sweeping up hair in Truvy’s Beauty Shop and now you’re a full time beautician….. or maybe you’re doing the exact same thing, living in the exact same place you were, and just as happy as you were this time last year…. no matter what, something HAS changed, you’ve experienced SOMETHING big or small, learned SOMETHING…. no matter what or where or who you are….. stuff changes in a year, for better or worse, which is…. I think…. exciting and special and worth celebrating.

I’m gonna take a moment today to reflect on where I was this time last year, and remember where I am today. Try it too and celebrate where you are and were…. no matter where and what those things may be.

Nascent, folks.