Sitcom Fan Fiction: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL (Part 3)


A Scene From: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL
By Jeffery Self

Previously on Clarissa Explains It All OR just click here

We see Clarissa (Melissa Joan Hart)’s Mom (Elizabeth Hess) and Dad (Joe ‘O’ Connor) fighting, uncontrollably on the floor. We cut to Clarissa asking:

CLARISSA:
Dad? Don’t say that you’re…. you’re not…. Oh God. Are you….. collecting Madame Alexander Dolls again?

The parents fight some more. Eventually it cuts to:

CLARISSA:
What am I supposed to do, Sam?!

SAM:
Well, you could come with me. I’m running away. My Dad…. he found gay porn under my bed. I wasn’t even looking at it…. but I was holding onto it for…. well, oddly enough- your science teacher Mr. Webstone…. apparently, it really bugs his wife. But…. he got really mad and crazy so I’m running away. Wanna come?

Clarissa grabs her coat and follows Sam to the window.


CUT TO: A dingy motel room. Clarissa and Sam are sitting around, without jobs, or any prospect for such. They’re BROKE.

CLARISSA:
What about that diner across the road. Did you go in there?

SAM:
Of course I went in there. That was one of the first places I went.

CLARISSA:
And….?

SAM:
They said…. they hadn’t hired anyone in twenty years and didn’t plan on it until Miss Sally died. Said she’s such a hard worker that it’d take more than one person to even replace her.

CLARISSA:
What if….. we killed Miss Sally and took her job?! You said it yourself…. they’d have to hire more than one person to replace her!

SAM:
Lets go get jobs!

NEW EPISODE BEGINS HERE

We return from commercial in a fairly quiet resturant. There are a few customers quietly eating BLT’s, and a sweet looking very old woman behind the counter pouring coffee. It’s the kind of place you’d come back to. Easy, quiet, comfortable. Jeffery, what’s your favorite New York City diner? You ask. Ha. Thats a really good question, Jared. I’m very torn but I really enjoy The Village Den down on Greenwich and The Waverly Resturant on… haha, yes Jared, you’re quick…. Waverly. Clarissa and Sam come into the diner, and the door jingles. From behind the counter Miss Sally says with a smile:

MISS SALLY:
Mornin’.

Clarissa and Sam look at the clock on the wall which reads: 4PM, then look at each other strangely, but then take a seat.

SAM:
Okay, Clarissa. Here’s the plan. We order two chicken salad sandwiches-

CLARISSA:
Make mine turkey, if its on the menu-

SAM:
And then when she goes back to the kitchen to make it, you sneak back there with this knife.

He produces that same shocking hunting knife from scene two. It’s, once again, jarring.

SAM:
And I’ll distract the crowd while you slit her throat.

CLARISSA:
Sam. I don’t know….

SAM:
What?

CLARISSA:
Well, I mean…. you know…. this all seems a little odd, a little risky-

SAM:
How-

CLARISSA:
Like, do you really think that-

SAM:
I really-

CLARISSA:
You’re the one to distract people? I mean. I’m the one who took five years of tap lessons and that wore this Pippi Longstocking wig today.

Clarissa, in case you didn’t notice when she came in, is wearing a Pippi Longstocking wig. Nickelodeon’s elegant nod to another a teenage feminist icon or just a coincidence? You tell me.

SAM:
No. Clarissa. I’ve got to distract. You’re a better cutter than I am.

CLARISSA:
(With a huge smile)

THAT’S TRUE! Okay. You’re right. I’ll do it.

SAM:
Okay. Act cool. Here she comes.

MISS SALLY:
(Approaching their tables)

Y’all babies ready to order?

SAM:
Uh yes. Ma’am. I think we’ll have two chicken salad sandwiches-

CLARISSA:
One chicken, one turkey.

MISS SALLY
Anything to drink?

CLARISSA:
Coke for me.

SAM:
Me too.

MISS SALLY:
Okay. Coming right up, cutie pies.

She smiles a beautiful old lady smile. She walks back into the kitchen.

SAM:
Okay. On count of three, you go back there…. one, two-

Suddenly the diner door opens and Clarissa’s Mom and Dad come in. They sit down at a table across the resturant.

CLARISSA:
Crap! It’s my parents!

SAM:
What are they doing here?!

CLARISSA:
I don’t know. Don’t let them see your face.

Clarissa and Sam keep their heads down. By the magic of camera work we move over to Clarissa’s Mom and Dad at their table. They’re flipping through the pages of a “Crazy Steve’s Doll Collector’s Anonoymous Rehabilitation Clinic” brochure.

MOM:
Marshall, I am really proud of you. This is going to be good. For both of us.

DAD:
(Taking a deep breath, scared, but ready for the challenge)

I think you’re right, Janet. God. I hope you are.

They take each other’s hands and smile at each other with hope. Clarissa’s Dad notices a large Madame Alexander Marliyn Monroe in ‘Bus Stop’ doll above the counter. He winces.

DAD:
I’m cool. I even see that doll right there above the counter. It’s gorgeous but I’m not gonna freak out or anything. Ha. Ha. Why would I? Sure, it’s one of the rarest dolls out there in the world and any collector with a half brain would go CRAZY over such a thing but I’m okay. Ha Ha. (He’s now heavily sweating and rithing in his seat) I’m SO okay.

CLARISSA:
What do we do?!

SAM:
Uh…. uh…. wrap my scarf around your head as a disguise and move slowly to the kitchen. Maybe they won’t recgonize you.

CLARISSA:
Is that really your best plan?

SAM:
Do you have another one?

Clarissa gives Sam a look and then quickly begins wrapping her head in the scarf. Classic comedy take. The audience loves it. So do I. Clarissa gets the scarf wrapped on her head as a sort of turban meets a Church lady hat and gets up to walk to the kitchen with her back to her parents’ table.

SAM:
Limp! That’ll help throw them off.

Just then Miss Sally comes out with the sandwiches. Clarissa quickly sits down.

MISS SALLY:
Here y’all go sugar cups. Can I get you anything else?

CLARISSA:
(Filled with teen angst)

Your-

SAM:
That’ll be all. Thanks.

Miss Sally goes over to the parents’ table and takes their order.

SAM:
When she goes back to make their lunch, you’ll try again.

CLARISSA:
What if they’re just ordering coffee or something?

SAM:
Duh. You’ll pour the hot coffee on her face to slow her down. Have you ever seen ‘The Runaway Bride’?

The camera moves over to the parents’ table.

MOM:
And two diet cokes. That’s all.

MISS SALLY:
Okay, I’ll have that right up-

DAD:
(On the verge of madness)

Actually! One…. quick question! That doll…. that…. Marilyn Monroe circa 1956 Madame Alexander Doll. Is that…. haha…. an original?

MISS SALLY:
Honey babe, I have no idea. I found that old thing at a yard sale maybe forty years ago…. it’s been up there ever since. I leave it up so my great grandkids can play with it when they come visit me. In fact, they’re coming by today.

Dad winces, almost gags. Miss Sally returns to the kitchen.

MOM:
Marshall? Calm down. Okay. Honey?

Back to Clarissa and Sam

SAM:
Okay. Get ready. One, two-

The front door opens, and two little kids enter and go to the counter.

MISS SALLY:
(Thrilled to see her great grandkids)

Jennie! Leanne!

KIDS:
Hey Grammie!

MISS SALLY:
Your mom outside?

JENNIE:
Yea! She said if she didn’t smoke two more cigarettes she’d pull a “last Saturday at Merle-Norman” situation again.

MISS SALLY:
Eeeeek. Well, we wouldn’t want that would we? Have a seat at the counter and lets get you sweet things some blueberry pie.

LEANNE:
Grammie, can we play with that doll?

MISS SALLY:
Well, of course! I’ll be right back, I just gotta fix these people’s lunch.

She gets the doll down and hands it to the kids. They play with it and eat their pie. Getting blueberry and crumbs all over the doll. Clarissa’s Dad watches in pain, it eventually gets too much for him and he vomits on the floor.

SAM:
Now! Clarissa! Now!

Clarissa jumps up and quickly limps her way to the counter, just as Clarissa’s Dad jumps up and rushes to the counter from the other side of the room

CLARISSA and HER DAD AT THE SAME TIME:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Clarissa grabs Miss Sally and Clarissa’s Dad has grabbed Leanne, they look up and see other.

DAD:
Clarissa?

CLARISSA:
Hey Dad.

DAD:
What are you doing here?

CLARISSA:
Trying to get a job.

MOM:
(Rushing to the counter)

Clarissa! We’ve been worried sick.

CLARISSA:
I’m fine, Mom. Totally fine. Sam and I ran away from home.

MOM:
Why would you ever do that?!

SAM:
(Approaching the counter)

Because my Dad started acting crazy after he found all this stuff under my bed.

MOM:
What kind of stuff?

SAM:
Gay porn.

LEANNE:
(Been there, done that)

Yikes!

MOM:
And what? Clarissa, you just tagged along?

CLARISSA:
NO! You guys went crazy. You were breaking stuff, screaming…. all over those stupid dolls.

MOM:
Your father is getting help. He’s getting better.

CLARISSA:
Is he?

She acknowledges that her father is standing in the midst of murdering an eight year old girl in order to pry the Marliyn Monroe doll out of her hand.

MOM:
He’s GOING to get help. Soon.

CLARISSA:
Do you actually mean that, Dad?

DAD:
I hope so. No. I know so.

MOM:
Come home, Clarissa.

CLARISSA:
No more fighting?

Mom and Dad look at each other and smile.

MOM:
No more fighting.

Clarissa hugs her Mom and Dad. Miss Sally is unphased by the fact that she and her great grandchildren were almost murdered.

MISS SALLY:
Alright now. Enough of the sappy saps. Nobody is leaving here until they sit down and have a piece of this blueberry pie!

Everyone laughs and begins to take a seat as a group.

MOM:
And Sam. You can come home too. We’ve got plenty of closet space to store gay porn.

CLARISSA:
Moooom!

MOM:
What? Do we not?

Clarissa shrugs like: ‘I can’t argue THAT!’. They both giggle. Mother and Daughter style.

MISS SALLY:
(While cutting the pie, she beckons Clarissa’s Dad over to her)

And sir. Would you like to have that doll?

DAD:
Like…. keep it?

MISS SALLY:
Uh huh. Means a lot more to you than me, I think.

DAD:
That’s…. that’s…. so nice of you…. I don’t know how to thank you.

MISS SALLY:
Just eat this pie and tell me its good. Do an old lady proud.

He hugs her and goes back to the table with the doll but before he sits down, he stops, he looks over at his family and shakes his head no. He turns and hands the doll to the little girls.

DAD:
Take this. Play with it. Thats what they’re for.

He looks back at Clarissa and her Mom. They wink at him. He winks back. He smiles and sits down.

MISS SALLY:
(Passing out the pie plates)

Okay! Who needs a fork?

Credits roll.

THE END.

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One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL (Part 3)”

  1. ryanjhughes Says:

    Okay, I’m back/addicted. I hope this won’t be the end of Clarissa Explains It All fan fiction (thus rendering my blog completely irrelevant). Also, my friend and I have been stalking your blog and… are you really going to be on 30 Rock? Details please!


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