Sitcom Fan Fiction: HOPE AND FAITH (Part 1)

A Scene from: HOPE AND FAITH
By Jeffery Self
We begin in the living room of the Shanowski household. It’s afternoon as Faith Fairfield (Kelly Rippa) enters with a large assortment of shopping bags. She is being helped by a very attractive young guy.

FAITH:
Thanks for helping bring all this stuff home from the mall.

GUY:
No problem, Ma’am.

FAITH:
(She laughs)

Why do you keep calling me Ma’am?! Are you southern? You’ve GOT to be southern.

GUY:
No I’m-

FAITH:
I played a southern person once. It was in this Lifetime movie that never aired. It was called ‘Dixie Bramlett, Alabama’s Out Law’. It was a true story about this woman who cut off all her husbands limbs with a chainsaw and then kept them under under the baby Jesus in her front yard nativity scene for over year. Eventually a dog found them and died from fungus poisoning after he ate an entire foot.

GUY:
Weird.

FAITH:
(Wistfully)

I always say…. Dixie Bramlett is the Golden Globe that go away from me. Ah. Maybe next year. I’m up for a movie about a lesbian with nose cancer!

GUY:
Very cool.

FAITH:
(Flirty and laughing)

‘Very cool!’ You’re so silly!

GUY:
(Awkward)

Ha. Ha. Thanks?

FAITH:
So…. What kind of stuff do you like to do? I mean…. besides meeting fabulous girls at the mall and helping them take their bags home?

GUY:
Uh. I like…. baseball… uh…. my uncle has a jet ski, that’s pretty fun-

FAITH:
OOOO! Jet ski’s ARE fun!

GUY:
You could come ride it sometime if you want.

FAITH:
(Seductress)

Oh could I?

GUY:
(Not getting it)

Yea. It goes pretty fast.

FAITH:
(Laying it on thick)

Mmmmm. But I guess I could be a good girl and hold onto you, right?

GUY:
(Still not getting it)

Yea. Or you could ride it alone. We could take turns. Whatever.

FAITH:
(Full on whore mode)

Could I just wrap my legs around you and let the power of your machine bounce me up and down and up and down until I’m sore and screaming STOP STOP, I CAN’T TAKE IT! But you’ll see in my eyes that I don’t mean it…. you’ll know that when I say STOP that just means to go faster!

GUY:
(An idiot)

Yea. Well it goes like 75 miles per-

Faith grabs him and kisses him passionately. At first he’s surprised but excited.

FAITH:
(Smiling)

Ya like that?

GUY:
(Entranced)

Uh huh.

She kisses him again, this time it gets even hotter and heavier. They fall onto the sofa. The audience ‘ooooo’s’ and kids watching with their parents at home are really uncomfortable. Isn’t this supposed to be TGIF?! After a while, we hear a car pull up outside.

FAITH:
Oh crap. That’s probably my sister and her kids. She’ll get mad if I have a guy over. She’s sorta nuts… well not nuts…. but she’s REALLY stiff and wound tight, really straight laced. I’m REALLY wacky and free spirited and when I moved in a few months, I turned things UPSIDE down. Ha Ha. We’re QUITE an odd couple!

She winks at the camera. The network LOVES that she did that because see the thing about Kelly Rippa in a sitcom is its GENIUS because she’s a daily figure as KELLY RIPPA THE PERSON in the lives of every American household but then to have on Friday night the chance to laugh at her in a television sitcom, a CLASSIC television sitcom ‘odd couple’ formula no less…. that’s GOLD. TOTAL GOLD. Good going, ABC.

GUY:
(Heading out)

Okay. Cool.

FAITH:
Wait! Go out the front door. Sorry. I just DON’T want to get chewed out today. Well, not THAT kind of chewed out.

Ewwwww.


He opens the front door to leave. Faith stops him.

FAITH:
Wait. One last kiss. (They kiss again) You are SO cute. You have my number, I have yours. Lets do this again, soon?

GUY:
Sounds cool.

FAITH:
(Laughing at him)

‘Sounds cool?!’ You’re a riot. See ya!

He shakes his head sorta confused and leaves. Just then the backdoor opens and Hope Shanowski enters with her daughter Sydney Shanowski (Megan Fox- yea she was on this show too)

FAITH:
(Rushing to kitchen to pretend everything is normal)

Hello!!!!!!

HOPE:
(Putting her stuff down)

Hi! I’ve GOT to wash my hands!

SYDNEY:
A bird flew into our windshield just now and Mom had to pick up it’s dead carcass.

HOPE:
(Distraught, pouring soap on her hands)

It was a bluejay!

FAITH:
Aw. Blue’s your favorite color.

HOPE:
Thats exactly what I said!

FAITH:
Well. He’s gone to a better place.

HOPE:
I don’t know. I didn’t know what to do him so I put him in this paper bag I had in the car.

FAITH:
(Looking into the bag)

Ew. You’re sure he’s dead?

SYDNEY:
Oh yea. You shoulda heard the splat sound he made on the glass. It sounded sorta like a combination of a fart and a gunshot.

FAITH:
(She means this)

Oh. I know that sound.

HOPE:
Oh! It was just terrible. But. That’s life isn’t it? Well… for birds it is.

FAITH:
Where have you guys been?

HOPE:
Sydney and I had a little Mother/Daughter outing after school. We went to get milkshakes at T.W.’s Diner.

FAITH:
Aw. Thats where you and I used to go to get milkshakes to celebrate being asked to the school dances. WAIT! Does that mean….?????

HOPE:
(With a big proud smile)

Uh huh.

FAITH:
SYDNEY!!!! You got asked to the spring dance?!

SYDNEY:
Yea!!!!!!! And by the guy I wanted to go with this year.

HOPE:
We have a rule…. she’s got to say yes to the first nice boy to ask her.

SYDNEY:
Which is how I ended up with Walt Goodman last year. He’s the kid at my school with the extra hand on his back. 20/20 did a special about him.

FAITH:
OOOOO. I saw that. Weird.

SYDNEY:
Even weirder to dance with. You don’t know which hand to hold. But he did end up holding my drink with his spooky back hand while we danced. That was nice.

HOPE:
But! This year…. she got asked by Chad Thomas.

SYDNEY:
He’s the captain of the swim team and ADORABLE.

FAITH:
Oh! Sydney! I’m so excited for you. We’ve got to plan! I want to help you pick out your dress, your hair, your nails. OOOO! We’ve got so much planning to do!

HOPE:
Now, Faith. We’re not spending a lot of money on the spring dance…. that’s one of our rules-

FAITH:
Thats it! I am your spring dance captain! I’m planning the whole thing! Are you thinking of wearing your hair up or down? OOOOO! We should either curl your hair or cut your hair-

HOPE:
I don’t want her cutting her hair!

FAITH:
Or add highlights to it-

HOPE:
Highlights?! I really don’t want her making drastic changes on her hair just for the dance.


Just then the bird, that we all thought was dead flies out of the paper bag and begins going wild all over the living room. All three scream and begin running around in terror.

HOPE:
Oh my God!!!!!

FAITH:
What do we do?!?!?!?!?!?

They run around, hiding, chasing, attempting to catch it, going wild over the bird. Eventually the bird flies over Sydney and poops. White bird shit runs down her head, she stops in horror. Hope and Faith stop running and look at her.

FAITH:
Well, Sydney. It looks like you’ll at least have to wash your hair for the dance.

The audience gets a big kick out of this and the bird continues going wild as we go to commercial.

TO BE CONTINUED

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