Sitcom Fan Fiction: HOPE AND FAITH (Part 3)

A Scene from: HOPE AND FAITH (Part 3)
By Jeffery Self

PREVIOUSLY ON HOPE AND FAITH: Click here for Part 1 and Part 2

Sydney (Meagan Fox) and Chad (unidintied cute young guy guest star. He should have really good hair) walk into the dance at the school gym. Kids are on the dance floor dancing to some on the nose high school dance song that ABC has the rights to. *Chumbawamba would be my first pick but I’m totally open*. Faith (Kelly Rippa) enters dressed in a large hat with large feathers on top and a veil. It’s so ridiculously enormous that Faith is having a hard time moving around. She has to duck through doorways and attempt not to fall over.

SYDNEY:
Need any help there, Aunt Faith?

FAITH:
(Trying to balance the thing on her head)

Oh! I’m fine, honey…. you go dance.

SYDNEY:
I still don’t understand why you had to wear my hat from the Drama Club production of ‘Hello, Dolly’-

FAITH:
I told you! It’s my favorite musical.

SYDNEY:
Um. Okay. Lets go dance Chad.

They run off onto the dance floor. Faith almost falls over as she sits down. A fellow chaperone, Lenora, a very perky, frumpy, pathetic middle aged teacher in a very loud sweater sits down beside Faith. Again, this is a guest star role and the options are open.

LENORA:
(Holding out a flask)

Hi. I’m Lenora. Want a sip?

FAITH:
(Shakes her hand while using her other hand to hold the hat up. Guys, this is a really big hat)

Faith. Nice to meet you. And yes…. thats a great idea.

Faith takes a huge gulp out of the flask.

LENORA:
That’s quite a hat.

FAITH:
It’s-

LENORA:
Its not by any chance from the Drama Club’s production of ‘Hello, Dolly’ is it?

FAITH:
Actually. Yes. Thats exactly where its from.

Sydney and Chad wave at Faith from across the dance floor. Faith moans, then grabs the flask again and takes another big gulp.

FAITH:
Yea. I just really love…. uh…. ‘Hello, Dolly’….

LENORA:
Oh! ME TOO! I saw the Drama Club production all four nights! Wellllll…. HellllllO….. Dol-

Faith’s cell phone rings.

FAITH:
Excuse me one moment…. (Answering) Hello? Uh. Hi. Chad.

We see Chad on the opposite side of the dance. Sydney is getting punch.

CHAD:
Hey babe. How ya doin? I was just thinking about.

FAITH:
EW…. I mean…. what are you doing right now?

CHAD:
Uh. Hanging out with a friend and her crazy old Aunt.

Faith mouthes a very shocked ‘WHAT?!’

CHAD:
What are you doing later, babe? I really want to see.

FAITH:
I’ve got to…. I can’t talk…. I’ve got to go!

She hangs up quickly and looks around confused.

LENORA:
(Drinking out of the flask)

Who was that?

FAITH:
This…. tool…. that I was seeing.

Faith drinks out of the flask.

LENORA:
Ugh! Men! I just got out of a VERY messy marriage.

FAITH:
Divorce is hard.

LENORA:
(Very serious)

Divorce? I shot him in the face with a shotgun.

Faith stares at her in shock. Lenora remains silent.

LENORA:
(Laughing)

I’m kidding. (Beat) It was a hand gun. Give me another sip!

She takes another sip out of the flask. Sydney comes running over in tears.

SYDNEY:
I want to go home!

FAITH:
Why? Whats wrong?

SYDNEY:
I overheard Chad on the phone with some girl…. she didn’t even sound like a girl…. she sounded more like a spooky old woman.

FAITH:
(Offended)

Well. People can sound strange on the phone that doesn’t necessarily make them old women!

LENORA:
(Pretty drunk)

Wanna know something Faith? I spend eight hundred dollars a month on a phone sex line.

SYDNEY:
Huh?

FAITH:
You’re gonna be fine just go back out there and dance-

LENORA:
(Drunk and sobbing)

I can’t afford to keep my hot water on anymore…..

SYDNEY:
I can’t look at him.

FAITH:
Honey, you don’t want to leave your dance…. you just got here.

SYDNEY:
But I heard him, he was telling her how much he wanted to see her. I’m sure she’s just one of those sluts that hangs out at the mall.

FAITH:
Just because you hang out at a mall doesn’t make you a slut. A lot of people happen to like a bargain!

SYDNEY:
What?

LENORA:
Are there things in my life that I regret? God. Yes. I had NO business selling that baby but did that stop me? NO!

FAITH:
(Suddenly one of those tender moments on sitcoms. I love those moments)

Nothing. Look. You’re a beautiful girl. When I was in high school boys did this sort of thing to me all the time.

SYDNEY:
Really?

FAITH:
Yea. I mean you can imagine how much they’re kicking themselves now but at the time it hurt but you know what my big sister, your mom used to tell me?

SYDNEY:
What?

FAITH:
That if some boy doesn’t like you…. then so what? His loss…. not yours. You’re gorgeous…. and maybe high school is full of idiots or maybe boys never change but….. you’ll find the right guy who treats you like you deserve someday. I promise. We both will…. and when that happens you and I will look back at moments like this and just laugh.

SYDNEY:
Wow. Thanks Aunt Faith.

They embrace

FAITH:
Want a drink?

SYDNEY:
I’m fifteen.

LENORA:
(Very very drunk)

UUUUUUGH! I am craving guacamole!

Chad runs over to Sydney

CHAD:
Just talk to me. Please. I am sorry.

LENORA:
(Very drunk at this point. Pulling Faith away. They wander across the dance floor)

Lets leave these two alone!

FAITH:
But I-

They’re gone.

SYDNEY:
My Aunt is taking me home.

CHAD:
Come on. I didn’t mean to-

SYDNEY:
Whatever Chad. Your loss. Not mine.

CHAD:
At least let me explain.

SYDNEY:
Fine.

CHAD:
Well what happened was….

He keeps talking to her. The camera cuts to Lenora appearing on the gymnasium stage, she is wearing the ‘Hello, Dolly’ hat Faith was wearing earlier. She is a sweaty, drunken, stumbling mess. She is gyrating and thrusting her pelvis. It’s really off putting and inappropriate. The students and fellow chaperones are shocked and saddened. Lenora is a sad display of choices made poorly, kids.

LENORA:
Welllllllllllll! HelllllllO! DOLLY! WELL HELL-O DOLLY. Glad to see you Hank lets THANK my lucky stars!

She is grabbing her boobs, pulling her hair, licking the stage…. nasty showbiz stuff.


Back to Chad and Sydney

CHAD:
And I liked her but she just came on REALLY strong. And I mean, I knew I liked you but this woman…. she sorta…. like… forced herself on me.

SYDNEY:
She sounds like a rabid animal.

CHAD:
She was. And old too.

SYDNEY:
How old?

CHAD:
I dunno. Forty?

SYDNEY:
Gross. You poor thing.

Onstage, Lenora has fallen over and she’s sweaty and very much out of breath. She’s haphazardly undoing her pants to take them off while she continues to mumble the lyrics of ‘Hello, Dolly’. BEEN THERE, Am I right, folks?! Faith sneaks onto the stage, now without her hat or veil, to try and help her out.

FAITH:
Lenora, honey…. get off the stage- come on…. Lenora…..

CHAD:
It was HER!

SYDNEY:
Huh?!

FAITH:
HUH?!

CHAD:
You!

SYDNEY:
Faith?!

FAITH:
ME?

CHAD:
Thats the woman who I met at the mall!

SYDNEY:
Aunt Faith!!!!!!! How could you!!!!!!!!!

FAITH:
I can explain!

Sydney runs out in tears.

FAITH:
Sydney, wait!

Faith leaps off the stage to chase her. Lenora vomits, all the kids scream. Mahem ensues. Chad chases after Faith.

CHAD:
I was wrong. I DO love you.

He chases her out of the gym.

CUT TO: A few hours later. The dance is over. Most people are gone. Lenora is being placed on an ambulance gurney. Faith is sitting on the stage all by herself. She is a disheveled mess. After a moment, Hope (Faith Ford) enters.

HOPE:
Hi. I’m looking for the woman that hangs out at shopping malls to pick up young boys.

She giggles at her joke.

FAITH:
Shut up. Don’t even look at me.

HOPE:
How are ya honey?

FAITH:
I have Lenora’s vomit in my hair, Sydney won’t look at me, and I’ve been having an affair with a fifteen year old boy. I mess up everything. Don’t I, Hope?

Hope laughs.

HOPE:
Well. I talked to Sydney and she told me about what you said… about what I used to say to you.

FAITH:
Oh.

HOPE:
And I just want to say. That means a lot that you remember that.

FAITH:
Of course I remember that.

HOPE:
And Sydney isn’t mad at you. She was just shocked, thats all…. I don’t think she liked that Chad kid much anyways. Besides turns out…. he’s actually eighteen. He’d been held back for three years.

FAITH:
I knew it! I knew there was no way a fifteen year old would know how rip open my skirt and-

HOPE:
Stop.

FAITH:
Sorry.

HOPE:
I’m proud of you.

FAITH:
For what?

HOPE:
I dunno. Tonight. This. You took what could’ve a terrible situation and made it…. well…. not completely terrible.

FAITH:
(Sarcastic)

Ha. Thanks.

HOPE:
I’m serious. You’re…. growing up.

FAITH:
Well I guess its about time. I’m twenty eight years old!

HOPE:
Thirty two-

FAITH:
TWENTY EIGHT!!!!!!

HOPE:
Right.

FAITH:
Can we go home now?

HOPE:
Yea. But first you have to do one thing.

FAITH:
What?

HOPE:
Get that vomit out of your hair.

FAITH:
EWWWWW!

Hope and Faith throw heads back and laugh as they scrape dried vomit out of Faith’s hair. Sisterhood.

The end.

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