Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 1)


A Scene from: CYBILL
By Jeffery Self

Cybill Sheridan (Cybill Shepherd) is in the living room of her Los Angeles home, standing in front of the mirror with a script, rehearsing for an audition.

CYBILL:
(Reading the script aloud, giving it her all)

Do you hear me? Do you HEAR ME, Hector?! I threw it out….. all of it…. every last bottle…. I cleaned out the refridgerator, the freezer, the mini-bar, the flask of Southern Comfort I used to keep in the top of the toilet in case I got stuck in there for those long periods of time. Or those times I had long periods. Well those days are behind me Hector! The periods stopped five years ago, and the booze…. today…. right this moment….. I am saying it out loud….. I, Debra Ferguson, have had my last drink…. now, please…. please…. I beg of you…. let me see my daughter again! PLEEEEEEASE, HECTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zooey Sheridan (Alicia Witt), Cybill’s sarcastic daughter…. think Darlene Connor but with red hair and no where near the delivery of Sarah Gilbert…. sorry Alicia Witt, you were awesome on the show but like…. Sarah Gilbert ought to be a national icon if she’s not already. In my nation, she already is…. and by that I mean…. the nation of SOUL. Right, folks?

Zooey enters right on cue and dryly says:

ZOOEY:
Uh. I’m right here, Mom.

The audience laughs. Timing y’all.

CYBILL:
NO! Not you. I don’t wanna see you…. I’m rehearsing. Jesus Christ. I was on a roll, Zooey.

ZOOEY:
Sorry Mom.

CYBILL:
It’s fine. It’s fine. Its just…. you do this all the time and I can’t not figure this is somehow related to why I haven’t booked a gig in five years.

ZOOEY:
(A little hurt)

Okay. I’m sorry.

CYBILL:
This is such a great role. Like Emmy Award kinda stuff.

ZOOEY:
Well, I know you’d like to have one of those…..

She gives a sudtle glance to the camera/audience…. both the stuido audience and the folks at home go wild because at this point we’re in season four and everyone with a copy of Entertainment Weekly knows the real Cybill Shepherd hasn’t won an Emmy for this show yet and Christine Baranski has…. no one has admitted to off camera tensions because of this but its like…. come on…. you KNOW they’re there. For this reason: Zooey’s joke LANDS. I mean LAAAAAANDS. US Airways Flight 1549 into the Hudson River LANDS. What? Too soon?

She sits down on the sofa.

CYBILL:
I’m in a groove. Its a perfect part for me. I’m playing a kind, devoted, loving mother who is overcoming alcoholism….. so can you please GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

She downs a nearby martini and returns to the mirror.

ZOOEY:
Devoted loving mother overcoming alcholoism. You’re right. Great part for you.

Zooey exits.

CYBILL:
(Talking herself up in the mirror)
Okay Cybill, baby. You’ve got this. You’re an Earth Mother full of pizazz and charism. You’re unique. Unique New York. Unique New York. You know I love Unique New York. OKAY. ARE YOU READY, CYBILL?! ARE YOU FREAKING READY?!?!?!?!??!?! (Like a football player getting himself pumped up) THEN LETS TEAR THE HEAD OFF THIS MONOLOGUE AND MAKE IT WISH IT HAD STAYED BACK AT NOTRE DAME BECAUSE THE GREEN BAY PACKERS ARE GONNA WIN THIS GAME, YOU PANSIES!!!!!!!!!!

She snarls at her reflection like a rabid dog. The phone rings. No one picks it up.

CYBILL:
(Annoyed)

Is anybody gonna get that? (No answer. Then sarcastic) Oh. No problem, I’ll get it. (Into phone) Hello? Oh Hi Peter. I’m well…. just working on that scene for tomorrow’s audition…. yes for…. ‘Debra Ferguson puts down the bottle’. Whats up?…. Oh….. a rewrite…. to the audition scene?…. but I’ve already memorized the…. okay…. so what happens in the script now?…. she goes to prison?….. but its called….. Oh….. ‘Debra Ferguson goes to prison’ does have a better ring to it I guess….. Okay. Okay. Fax over the new scene. Thanks, Peter.

She hangs up.

CYBILL:
(To herself)

Crap.

Zooey reenters.

ZOOEY:
I’m just getting some water….. then I’m outta the way.

CYBILL:
It’s fine. Stay in here. I’m totally screwed.

ZOOEY:
Why? Whats up?

CYBILL:
I spend all weekend getting ready for this part….. I literally stopped drinking for TWO HOURS yesterday, just to like…. see what it felt like to be sober… y’know? Terrifiying by the way. And now they call and say they’re changed my audition scene to being in prison.

ZOOEY:
So?

CYBILL:
SO! I am a method actor, Zooey. You know that…. remember when I was up for that biopic about Harriet Tubman?

ZOOEY:
Oh right. And you made all my friends put on shoe polish and hide underneath the pool house.

CYBILL:
So…. I don’t know ANYTHING about prison. The closest I’ve come to a life of crime is a DUI!

ZOOEY:
Mom, a DUI is a serious crime.

CYBILL:
Not a real DUI, a movie star DUI…. it doesn’t count. They shake their finger at you and ask for an autograph.

The front door flies open and Cybill’s best friend Maryann Thorpe, played by comedy icon/all around master of wonderful Christine Baranski enters in a panic. She slams the door, locks it, throws herself against it.

MARYANN:
You’ve GOT to help me.

CYBILL:
Maryann, whats wrong?

MARYANN:
(Freaking out)

Its just HORRIBLE, terrible, frightening, awful- (Dropping all panic for a moment and pointing at Cybill’s empty glass) Zooey darling, straight up/no olive please. (Back to freak out) I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!

CYBILL:
Maryann. Sit down. Chill out. And tell me whats wrong.

MARYANN:
I’m in trouble, Cybill. Very big trouble.

CYBILL:
What happened?

MARYANN:
(Takes a deep breath)

Okay. Well. You know how I own that abandoned office building downtown?

CYBILL:
You do?

MARYANN:
Yes. It’s a money pit, a burden of my existence, one of the only things left to me in the divorce. Dr. DIIIICK’s idea of a funny joke.

CYBILL:
Okay…..

MARYANN:
So we’ve had complaints from the neighborhood that the place has turned into a headquarters for the Leopard Dog Quuens.

CYBILL:
The what?

MARYANN:
Downtown LA’s most vicious all girl gang.

CYBILL:
Oh.

MARYANN:
Did you hear about that group of women that set Raquel Welch’s car on fire last weekend?

CYBILL:
I did-

MARYANN:
The Leopard Dog Queens.

CYBILL:
OH!

MARYANN:
So this afternoon I was already downtown trying out this new bistro…. have you heard about it?

CYBILL:
No-

MARYANN:
Oh! It’s just divine! I had their belgium chocolate crepe. It’s a slice of heaven if heaven was made of chocolate but then again, maybe it is…. how would I know, I’ve never-

CYBILL:
Maryann…..

MARYANN:
Right. Sorry. So when I was down there I went to speak with Yolanda, the gang leader and give her a TEENY piece of my mind….

CYBILL:
And?

MARYANN:
And harsh words were exchanged… it escalated and….. I set fire the building.

CYBILL:
Oh my God.

MARYANN:
Yolanda was taken into custody but…. I was caught fleeing the scene….. and now…. they’re after me.

CYBILL:
Maryann!

MARYANN:
And whats worse is…. Yolanda threated to kill me and if I go to prison, I’m gonna be stuck in there with her and who knows what could happen-

ZOOEY:
I do. You’ll die.

MARYANN:
Cybill! You’ve got to help me!!!!!! Do something. I don’t care what….. dress up like Harriet Tubman and hide me under your pool house again, anything!

There is a knock at the door.

POLICE:
(Outside the door)

This is the police! Open up!

MARYANN:
PLEASE Cybill! You have GOT to help me.

POLICE:
We’re giving you until the count of ten…..

CYBILL:
I don’t know what to do…..

MARYANN:
Give me that martini! It could be my last drink as a free women!

She downs the martini.

MARYANN:
Or as a live woman!

She begins to lick the empty glass.

CYBILL:
What if you went into prison and apologized to this Yolanda…. and then…. maybe, she won’t kill you?

MARYANN:
(Drinking straight out of the bottle of vodka now)

Do you know what happens to gorgeous women in prison?

CYBILL:
I doubt its that different than what happened to you in the girl’s dorms at Mount Holy Oak.

MARYANN:
But Cybill I-

CYBILL:
I’ll confess with you. We’ll go together! We’ll apologize to Yolanda and then we’ll have Ira get us out.

MARYANN:
He’d do that?

CYBILL:
I married Ira for two reasons: One- he’s the best lawyer in LA and two- he has completely hairless balls. (Calling out) The door is open!

The police bust in.

CYBILL:
Take us both! We both set the fire!

The police handcuff Cybill and Maryann and escort them out.

MARYANN:
(Exiting)
COMPLETELY hairless? Like nothing at all?

CYBILL:
(Following behind her)
Like a Chinese baby, Maryann. Like a Chinese baby.

To be continued

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2 Comments on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 1)”

  1. Eric Says:

    I absolutely adored Cybill back in the day… bravo for taking it on in your fan fiction 😉


  2. […] Jeffery Self's Blog « Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 1) […]


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