Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 2)


A Scene from: CYBILL
By Jeffery Self

Previously on CYBILL…. click HERE for Part 1

We return from commercial in a Prison cafeteria. It’s a bleak room with flourescent lighting and drab, ugly cinderblock walls. It looks like…. well, a prison cafeteria. Women in orange jumpsuits sit at long tables eating gross mushy food. Cybill Sheridan (Cybill Shepherd) and Maryann Thorpe (Christine Baranski) enter in their orange jumpsuits. Maryann has fashioned hers to fit her a bit more stylishly by rolling up her sleeves. They look completely out of place in this den of rough broads. Maryann immediately takes a seat at the long table and looks around confused.

MARYANN:
I guess its just a seat yourself kind of place. I didn’t see a hostess.

CYBILL:
Maryann-

MARYANN:
Then again, maybe the hostess ran off with our (yelling so someone can hear her) WAITER.

CYBILL:
Maryann, there isn’t a waiter or a hostess…. we have to wait in that line.

She points at a line circling into the cafeteria serving buffet. Maryann gives the line a strange, confused look.

CYBILL:
It’s a cafeteria.

Another confused look.

MARYANN:
Like in high school.

Another confused look.

CYBILL:
Didn’t you go to high school?

MARYANN:
Well, yes. Duh. Cybill. Everyone went to high school.

A LARGE LADY INMATE SEATED AT THE TABLE BESIDE THEM:
I didn’t.

Maryann whinces and jumps up. She and Cybill scurry into the cafeteria line. Picking up trays. They take a frightened, puzzled look at the nasty mush being served.

MARYANN:
(To the cafeteria worker)

Which one of these is the chicken option?

CAFETERIA WORKER:
Honey…. just between you and me…. the closest thing to actual meat in any of these things is probably in that thing over there but….. unless you the like the taste of gerbils I wouldn’t eat it.

Maryann gags.

CYBILL:
We’ll take two apples and some bread please. Thanks.

They walk to find a table.

MARYANN:
I would do anything for a martini right now.

Teri, a humongous female prisoner, stops her.

TERI:
Anything?

CYBILL:
Oh! You get away from her!

TERI:
And who the hell are you supposed to be?

CYBILL:
(Panicked and awkwardly)

Uh…. uh…. my name is Cybill, and she’s my BITCH! So you better back off you dirty whore unless you want to see what the inside of your asshole smells like.

Teri and all the other prisoners are shocked and walk away from Cybill and Maryann.

MARYANN:
Cybill! I’m impressed.

CYBILL:
Well. I DID play a middle aged Italian lesbian in that off Broadway musical.

MARYANN:
Oh right. What was that called?

CYBILL:
‘Middle Aged Italian Lesbians, the musical.’

MARYANN:
Right. (Singing) Parmeasn and Mozzerla, don’t come near me….. ‘Cause I don’t need no fella….. cause I’m a middle aged-

CYBILL:
I can’t believe that show didn’t catch on.

MARYANN:
Oh crap. There she is!

CYBILL:
Yolanda?

MARYANN:
Uh huh.

CYBILL:
Which one is she?

MARYANN:
The one with the scar on her face in the shape of Oklahoma.

CYBILL:
Oh my God, it does look just like-

MARYANN:
Don’t stare her. She hates it when people stare at her scar.

Yolanda approaches. She is tall, blonde, brooding, super skinny and wirey. Very crack whore chic. She’s got lots of tattoos and the face of someone who has LIVED. Also, she does in fact have a scar the shape of Oklahoma on her face.

YOLANDA:
Yo! Thorpe. Did you think I didn’t see you come in here. I smelt you five miles away….. like a shark smelling menstral blood in the Gulf of Mexico.

MARYANN:
(Terrified)

I…. I-

YOLANDA:
Now look. I’m not gonna cut your throat right here in the middle of the cafeteria. Last time I did that, I got suspended from my middle school for TWO WHOLE WEEKS…. which is when people started calling me that awful nickname.

CYBILL:
Your nick name?

YOLANDA:
Yea. ‘That Middle Schooler who got suspended for two whole weeks’. God, kids can be so cruel. So LISTEN UP! I am not kill you right here…. too many witnesses…. plus I’m hungry and I hate the way beef stew tastes when its got blood in it….. so tonight….. I’m gonna sneak into your cell, and my girl Rachel is gonna watch my back while I come in there, with the razor blade I keep underneath my stack of Marie Claire Magazines, and I’m gonna kill you. Got that straight?

Maryann is trembling and choked on fear.

CYBILL:
(Nervous)

Now…. listen…. here….. uh….. don’t you think we could settle this—- someway besides…. murdering…. her?

YOLANDA:
Who the hell are you?

CYBILL:
Uh. My name is Cybill. And I’m Maryann’s best friend…. and I think we could figure out a way to handle this situation without-

YOLANDA:
Have we met before?

CYBILL:
Uh….. I don’t think so-

YOLANDA:
You look real familiar. We fuck?

CYBILL:
Uh. Pretty sure not.

YOLANDA:
Hmmmmm. Weird. WAIT! WAIT! I think I got it. Are you an actress?

CYBILL:
(Flattered)

Ha. Yes. For several years I was a series regular on a wonderful courtroom drama where I played-

YOLANDA:
Were you in ‘Middle Aged Italian Lesbians, the musical’?

CYBILL:
(Oh that)

Uh. Yes. Actually. I was.

YOLANDA:
DAAAAAAMN! I knew you looked familiar. You sang my favorite song. (Singing) People think its all glitz and glamourous….. when you’re a middle aged Italian lesbian like us….. but baby there is more…. baby it is rough…. honey it is tough when you are a midd-

CYBILL:
That was me!

YOLANDA:
WOW! My friend Leslie will NEVER believe this. I gotta introduce you guys.

CYBILL:
Well, where is she?

YOLANDA:
She ain’t been arrested yet but…. don’t worry… she will be…. she’s been selling babies to the Japanese out of her garage, I’m pretty sure its only a matter of time before she gets busted.

CYBILL:
Oh. Great. Well. Then I’ll look forward to meeting her.

YOLANDA:
SUH-WEET. You just turned my frown upside down, lady.

CYBILL:
I’m glad I could help. Hey. Maybe you could help me with something?

YOLANDA:
Whats that, superstar?

CYBILL:
How about you don’t kill my friend Maryann….

YOLANDA:
Awwwww. Come on Broadway idol, I can’t go doing something like that just cause you’re the most famous lady I’ve ever met. Second to Leslie Ann Warren but…. I didn’t have to put on a leather harness and call you a mangy slut!

CYBILL:
But why…. isn’t there SOME other way you could settle your difference besides murdering her?????

YOLANDA:
(After some careful thought)

Okay. Okay. I hate being that person, I really do. And if you let anybody know I let you twist my arm, I will rip that women’s uterus out of her body and wear it on my head as a hat, like an old french society lady.

CYBILL:
Do french women wear ut- oh never mind. Okay. Deal.

YOLANDA:
But she’s gotta do me a favor.

MARYANN:
What?!

YOLANDA:
Yea. Fancy pants. You gotta go up to cell 45 and steal Big Amanda’s stash and bring it to me.

MARYANN:
Her stash?

CYBILL:
But Yolanda, we just got into this place but even we know that nobody is crazy enough to go up to cell 45 and mess with Big Amanda. She’s a legend.

MARYANN:
Yea. Some say she doesn’t even think she exists….. like that last level on Mario Brothers where people say you fight Margret Thatcher.

CYBILL:
You play Mario Brothers?

MARYANN:
I simply ADORE video games.

CYBILL:
Who knew?

YOLANDA:
SHUT UP! If she wants to live, and she wants to keep her uterus off my head…. then you’ll get me that stash. I’m giving you one night. Get it done…..

CYBILL:
But Yolanda, thats an impossible-

YOLANDA:
(Faking a yawn)

Oh Rachel. I can’t WAAAAAIT to wear my new hat to lunch tomorrow. I’ll finally feel like a civilized French society lady.

She and Rachel laugh. They high five and the chest bump. They begin to exit, Yolanda stops.

YOLANDA:
See ya in the morning. Hey. Cybill, how does the last verse of your big song go?

CYBILL:
(Singing)

‘So forget what you’ve heard,
I don’t wanna hear ya cry,
I won’t tell ya twice
And I won’t tell a lie….
I’m a middle aged
Italian
Lesbian
Just trying…. my hardest…. to get BYYYYYYYY!’

YOLANDA:
GOD! I love that show!

She exits. Cybill and Maryann turn to each other with looks of dread and terror on their faces.

We go to commercial.
To be continued.

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One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 2)”

  1. LagunaRobby Says:

    Oh come on, Ira looks like he has really hairy balls! JK It was fun reading.


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