Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 3)


A Scene from: CYBILL (Part 3)
By Jeffery Self

Previously on CYBILL read Part 1 and Part 2

Late that night in the prison. Cybill and Maryann are creeping down the dark hall of cells. In the shadows, various prisoners can be heard moaning and snoring. It’s frightening and spooky.

MARYANN:
Oh dear God. I hate long dark tight spaces.

CYBILL:
So did my ex-husband. Thats why he married me! WHAM!

The audience laughs.

MARYANN:
God. As a little girl I slept with the lights on every night. I was just terrified of the dark.

CYBILL:
Hm. I’ve never been afraid of the dark. I had a lot of fears growing up…. getting fat, not getting famous, not winning an Oscar someday…. but the dark never scared me. I just used to have this recurring nightmare where Candice Bergen beat me out of an Oscar.

MARYANN:
(Laughing)

Cybill. The idea of Candice Bergen winning an Oscar is almost as ridiculous an idea as you winning an Oscar- (catching herself, whoops) I mean….. Candice Bergen is a holocaust denier.

CYBILL:
This is it! Cell 45. Oh my God, I can hear her sleeping.

We hear loud snoring coming from the cell.

MARYANN:
Are you sure that’s not a steamboat pulling out of Boston Harbor? Jesus Christ. I’ll meet you on the Leto deck!

CYBILL:
Okay. Here’s the plan. I open the cell door with this key I got from the guard downstairs.

MARYANN:
How did you manage to get that guard to give you his key?

CYBILL:
Do you want the real answer or the answer I’d tell my daughters?

MARYANN:
Cybill. You know me better than that!

CYBILL:
In that case- I let him have my panties, I unhinged my jaw and gave the ole’ gag reflex a check up. Turns out, I still don’t have one. Sooooo….. score one for me.

MARYANN:
And score one for that guardsmen.

CYBILL:
So after I open the door, you tiptoe into the cell and look under the bed. Chances are thats where she keeps the stash. I’m gonna check behind the toilet.

MARYANN:
I got it. I get the bed…. you get the toilet.

CYBILL:
Hm. There’s a comment to be made here about the last time we partied at Jack Nicholson’s house but I’ll restrain myself.

MARYANN:
I won’t! It was REALLY weird what Jack Nicholson did to me in his bed and especially what he did to you on his toilet.

CYBILL:
Not so much weird as…. I dunno….. surprising.

MARYANN:
I’d say!

CYBILL:
Okay. Lets do this. Go.

In a very dim light we see the two tip toe into the cell…. Maryann slides her hand under the bed, on which Big Amanda is sleeping, there is nothing under it…. she looks over and Cybill with a “What now?” expression. Cybill pokes her head behind the toilet and gags. Cybill points to underneath the pillow on Big Amanda’s bed. Then carefully, terrified, slowly they tip toe over to it, and gracefully left her head without waking her up and find nothing under the pillow. They shrug at each other and begin tip toeing out of the cell, right as they get to the door, Maryann without thinking says loudly:

MARYANN:
I’d eat a baby for a martini right now.

Cybill turns around bug eyed: SHHHHHHHH! Its too late, Big Amanda wakes up, confused, looking around. She is huge, frightening, an ogre of sorts. She spots Cybill and Maryann.

BIG AMANDA:
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?

CYBILL:
We’re leaving! We’re leaving!

BIG AMANDA:
STOP RIGHT THERE! Both of you.

Cybill and Maryann freeze in place.

BIG AMANDA:
Walk over here.

They begin to slowly walk toward her

BIG AMANDA:
Walk backwards.

Cybill and Maryann stop and walk backwards.

BIG AMANDA:
(Incredibly amused)

Haha. Y’all look silly. Okay stop. (Tough again) Who the hell are you?

CYBILL:
I’m Cybill and this is my friend Maryann.

BIG AMANDA:
Like friend friend or prison lady friend? Tit play in the show, mutual oral…. that kinda thing.

CYBILL:
Just friend friend.

MARYANN:
As of now.

Cybill looks over at Maryann like: “WHAT?!” and Maryann shrugs as if to say: I DONT KNOW! I AM TERRIFIED!

BIG AMANDA:
What are you two doing in my cell?

CYBILL:
It’s a funny story, kind of….

BIG AMANDA:
Funnier than Sinbad because to me, he’s IT. That’s one guy with his finger on the pulse.

CYBILL:
Well…. maybe…. basically, here’s what happened-

BIG AMANDA:
Wait! Before you say ANYTHING. Have you girls ever played ‘Guess Who?’

CYBILL:
Uh. Thats that board game where people try to guess which card the person has?

BIG AMANDA:
EXACTLY!

MARYANN:
I’ve played that.

CYBILL:
Me too.

BIG AMANDA:
OOOOO! Fun! Two against one. I bet I beat y’all!

CYBILL:
Um. Okay.

Big Amanda goes and gets a copy of the Guess Who game and sets it up on the floor. She sits down like a giant kid. Very excited. Cybill and Maryann are super confused but sit down at their board.

BIG AMANDA:
Pick your card!!!!!!

They do.

BIG AMANDA:
Okay. Are you wearing glasses?

CYBILL:
No.

BIG AMANDA:
Haha! NICE! Your turn!!!!!

She turns over all the places on her board with glasses.

CYBILL:
Uh. Are you a man?

BIG AMANDA:
(What a silly question)

Of course not!!!!! Hahahaha.

Maryann turns over all the men on her board.

CYBILL:
So about why we snuck in here….

BIG AMANDA:
Wait wait. Are you wearing a hat?

MARYANN:
No.

BIG AMANDA:
Ooooooo. I am SO gonna win this.

CYBILL:
We snuck in because, Maryann accidentally set fire to-

MARYANN:
(Getting into the game)

Hold on, Cybill. Do you have red hair?

BIG AMANDA:
(Nervous)

Uh huh.

MARYANN:
(Proud of herself)

Aha!

She’s on the verge of winning.

CYBILL:
So we got arrested but we’re in here trying to make ammends with a lady named Yolanda, do you know her?

BIG AMANDA:
(Without looking up from the game)

Sure. I do. She’s mean. She never plays with me.

CYBILL:
Okay. Well…. she made us sneak in here to-

BIG AMANDA:
Are you George?

MARYANN:
Heavens no!!!!!

BIG AMANDA:
DAMMIT!

CYBILL:
To steal-

MARYANN:
Are you Elizabeth?

BIG AMANDA:
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

MARYANN:
(Totally engrossed in the game)

Gawd!

BIG AMANDA:
Are you Michael?

MARYANN:
No!!

CYBILL:
Stop it! Both of you. Listen to me! Stop playing the game. We need to figure this out!

Big Amanda lets out a terrible scream and kicks over the board. She jumps onto her bed and begins to pout like a child.

CYBILL:
Big Amanda…. we snuck in here because Yolanda wanted us to steal your stash and give it to her or else she is gonna kill Maryann.

BIG AMANDA:
Big Amanda wants to be alone. Big Amanda is sad.

CYBILL:
But perhaps you could give us your stash and that way Maryann won’t-

BIG AMANDA:
Nobody ever plays with me and you won’t even let me finish a game. Nobody loves Big Amanda.

CYBILL:
But Big Amanda, listen we-

Big Amanda lets out a loud scream and holds it for a long period of time. Like a baby crying for a bottle. Suddenly Yolanda runs in

YOLANDA:
Stop! Stop! Don’t kill them.

CYBILL:
Yolanda?!

YOLANDA:
I felt terrible. I can’t let her kill my favorite off Broadway musical star. I’d never get to fulfill my fantasy of you singing that song at my fortieth birthday party.

CYBILL:
I don’t think she’s killing anybody-

YOLANDA:
Big Amanda. Look. I’m sorry I’ve been mean to you in the past but its because I’m jealous.

CYBILL:
Jealous?!

YOLANDA:
I’m jealous of your stash. Thats why I wanted them to steal it.

BIG AMANDA:
But you don’t have to steal Big Amanda’s stash. Big Amanda will share. Big Amanda just wants somebody to play with her.

YOLANDA:
You put out a vibe that scares people…. puts people off…. and makes us think you don’t wanna share.

BIG AMANDA:
Really? You wanna play with me?

YOLANDA:
It’s all I want in the world…. now that I’ve gotten to meet the star of ‘Middle Aged Italian Lesbians, the musical’.

BIG AMANDA:
You should’ve said something. All I want is someone to share my stash with. It gets so lonely in here.

YOLANDA:
Then lets do it.

Big Amanda takes out a large box full of board games.

BIG AMANDA:
Monopoly or Poggle?

YOLANDA:
Poggle!

They sit down on the floor and begin to play.

CYBILL:
Wait. The stash is….

YOLANDA:
(Duh)
The prison’s supply of board games. Big Amanda is in charge of them.

MARYANN:
So you were gonna kill me over-

YOLANDA:
Board games. That’s right.

MARYANN:
I don’t believe it.

YOLANDA:
Have you ladies ever been in prison before? This is my ninth time in here. It gets so lonely, boring, sad. Board games…. I don’t know…. they’re sort of a reminder of the past….. that no matter what happens, some things never change.

BIG AMANDA:
Roll the dice! Roll the dice!

They begin playing the game and Cybill and Maryann wander out of the cell.

MARYANN:
Board games? Life in prison is so strange. But y’know what…. these gals in here…. they’re no different than us-

CYBILL:
How so?

MARYANN:
They just want a little companionship. Thats all.

CYBILL:
I didn’t think of it that way but you’re right, Maryann. (Thoughtful) They’re just like us…. and its funny, before I was so worried about being knowing how to audition for the role of a…..

MARYANN:
Huh?

CYBILL:
Oh nothing. Lets call Ira and get out of here. (They begin walking down the halll) Did I tell you about the part I’m getting in this new TV movie? She a middled woman who goes to prison and it’s got Emmy written ALL over it!

MARYANN:
The last thing you got close to with Emmy award written all over it was Jack Nicholson’s inner thigh…..

CYBILL:
I can’t imagine that ink ever washed out….

MARYANN:
It doesn’t….. I still have ‘I was in The Shining’ written all over my lower back.

They laugh as they exit.

End of episode.

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4 Comments on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: CYBILL (Part 3)”

  1. tengrosita Says:

    Thank you very much for this post. A good read indeed…

  2. Jon Says:

    This is fantastic! I used to love Cybill, please do more!

  3. Marc Says:

    Hi, Jeffery! I’ve nominated you and your fabulous blog for a Kreativ Blogger Award.

    http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2010/01/kreativ-blogger-award-ive-been-touched.html

    Marc


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