A Scene From: BOY MEETS WORLD (Part 1) featuring Hillary Clinton


A Scene From: BOY MEETS WORLD
By Jeffery Self


As a special sweeps event, this episode is being filmed/aired live. Mr. Feeny’s English classroom. Old school academic, Mr. Feeny (William Daniels) is standing in front of the tenth grade class delivering the dullest of lectures. No one is paying a bit of attention. Corey Matthews (Ben Savage) is attempting to keep his eyes open in an on going battle but seems to be losing.

MR. FEENY:
Which is why many refer to Mark Twain as Josh, Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass, or Elizabeth Montogomery. In 1896-

Corey Matthews’ head drops on his desk, completely asleep. At this point nearly every single student is asleep.

MR. FEENY:
(He stops his lecture and looks around. He sighs)

Would anyone like to read the next chapter aloud?


Just then the door to the classroom opens, and Interium Principal Bilgrew enters. The role is played by sitting First Lady, Hillary Clinton, in the biggest sweeps casting stunt of the nineties. This has been all the buzz in the press, and ABC has advertised it out the wazoo. Apparently, Hillary Clinton’s secret lifelong dream is to star in her own live studio audience sitcom. It was, allegedly, against some dispute from White House officials that she appear in the TGIF line up…. however, she is clearly excited and nervous to be there making her sitcom debut. She doesn’t quite get the tone of the show, and its unclear whether or not she’s ever watched it. She awkwardly reads everything off cue cards and most of her jokes do not land at all, but the audience is encouraged to laugh regardless.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
(Eyeing the room of sleeping students. She’s a hard ass and she’s annoyed, the audience gets a kick out of that)

Mr. Fennel!

MR. FEENY:
It’s actually Feeny-

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
I thought you were to be conducting an American Literature class, not a sleep study.

She holds for the laugh. It doesn’t come. After a moment there an overwhelming wave of laughter, as if somebody held up an applause sign or a machine gun.

MR. FEENY:
Well, Ms. Bilgrew, I can only do so much to keep these students interested-

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
(To the students)

Okay! Okay! Rise and shine, sleeping beauties. This ain’t a Motel 6 and we ain’t leaving a light on for ya!

The audience laughs at this joke, despite her unenthusiastic delivery or comedic timing, it’s a timely reference and thats something we can all enjoy.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
(Picking up a copy of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)

You! Whats your name?

A GIRL STUDENT:
Uh. Elizabeth.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Okay. Elizabeth. Liz. Eliza. Bethy Beth.

A GIRL STUDENT:
Huh?

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Whats this book about?

A GIRL STUDENT:
Uh…..

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Thats what I thought! (She slaps the girl in the head with the book. The White House officials made a serious mistake letting her take this role and she knows it, but since this is national live television, our nation’s most revered medium and art form, she is just doing what is on the cue cards. Say what you want about Hilary Clinton but she’s a professional) It’s about a little boy and big black guy on a raft doing stuff. (She looks off camera at her staff like- ‘What the hell am I doing here?’ then regretfully goes on and says to Mr. Feeny) Right, Teach?

MR. FEENY:
Well, it’s a bit more-

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
(After a deep regretful breath that says: Oh God. I am gonna get in so much trouble with Bill and the press)

Listen up! All of you! If I catch any of you sleeping in one of these classes again…. I’ll turn the gymnasium in a detention factory and make you wish you went to that school out in the county where they’ve got that pervert principal and there are possums in the lunchroom.

The students wince.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
And as for you, Feeny. These students are on YOUR watch. Now I’ve been talking to the school board about this already and I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you they’re giving you one week to prove you have any way of controlling these kids and if not….. you’re out.

Mr. Feeny is clearly shocked. So is Corey Matthews, who shares a look with his best friend Shawn Hunter (Rider Strong).

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Okay Okay. I’m going back to my office now. Why? Because I’m in a bidding war for an autographed copy of ‘Mannequin 2’ on eBay and if I don’t win it…. (She’s very confused reading the direction on the cue card, she breaks character for a moment and frustratingly confronts the director) Huh? I don’t even know how to do ‘baby talk’. Fine! Whatever. (She takes a deep annoyed breath and then speaks in a forced, awkward, baby talk) I will be one angry little baby.

Again, she looks over to her staff off camera like…. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
(Ugh. She forgot to read the last line.)

PS- if anybody asks where I am, tell them I’m getting a….. (she can’t believe she’s gonna say this on TV) wax. WIshful thinking, right, GIRLS?!! (She forces a laugh and exits) Peace out, freaks!

She exits quickly embarrassed and upset. The American public is really shocked by what their First Lady is doing on live television and its kind of thing where you can’t imagine she’ll actually come back after the commercial. This was a historical disaster and America knows it.

MR. FEENY:
(Embarrassed to be yelled at in front of his students)

Okay. Guys. Go ahead to lunch. Don’t forget to read Chapter Six tonight.

The students get up and leave.

COREY:
I can’t believe she did that.

SHAWN:
Who? The new interim principal? You must not have seen what she did in the lunchroom on Monday-

COREY:
No.

SHAWN:
Oh. Well, I don’t really know how to describe it except to say that by the end of it, a glass was broken, a kid’s lip was bleeding, and everybody was being forced to do the electric slide.

COREY:
Yikes.

SHAWN:
I was really surprised how well I knew the dance. But considering I’ve never met my real Dad, who knows, maybe I come from a family of line dancers.

COREY:
We’ve gotta help Mr. Feeny.

SHAWN:
Help him what?

COREY:
Help him not lose his job. He may bore us to tears-

SHAWN:
Not tears, sleep. He bores us to sleep.

COREY:
But he’s the best teacher at this school. He can’t help that we’re all short attention spanned teenagers ruined by America’s grotesque obsession with pop culture.

SHAWN:
(Not paying attention)

Sorry. What’d you say? I was looking at this picture of Tony Hawk on a dirt bike.

COREY:
(To Mr. Feeny, who is now seated sadly at his desk)

Mr. Feeny. I am going to help you.

MR. FEENY:
Help me what?

COREY:
Save your job.

MR. FEENY:
Oh. Don’t bother Mr. Matthews. The school board has had it out for me for years. Sheila Umphries tried hiding dirty photos of a young Patty Duke in my car back in the eighties.

COREY:
Just to try and get you fired?

MR. FEENY:
Well. That or she genuinely thought I wanted to see dirty picture of a young Patty Duke. But. I’m a thing of the past, boys. They want fresh, young teachers. It gets schools better funding, which gets principals and school boards bigger pay checks.

COREY:
But you’re like…. the best teacher at this school!

MR. FEENY:
Am I, Mr. Matthews? You certainly fell asleep quite easily today in class.

COREY:
Thats because I was tired…. and…. uh…. trouble at home ….

MR. FEENY:
Look. I appreciate your concern but….. maybe they’re right. Maybe its time to take out the old and usher in the new. I’ll see you boys tomorrow.

Corey and Shawn walk over to get their back packs.

SHAWN:
Have you ever noticed how Mr. Feeny’s breath always smells like the onions at Subway?

COREY:
I’ve never tried the onions at Subway-

SHAWN:
Oh. Well, they smell like Mr. Feeny’s breath.

COREY:
I don’t care what he says. We’re gonna save his job.

SHAWN:
How are we gonna prove that all the students at school need Mr. Feeny when we can’t even stay awake in class?

COREY:
I’ve got an idea that I think might work. It’ll be tough but together we can do it. You in?!

SHAWN:
(Distracted)

Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking how I’ve never seen the second ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ movie but I did see the third.

To Be Continued

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One Comment on “A Scene From: BOY MEETS WORLD (Part 1) featuring Hillary Clinton”


  1. […] Jeffery Self's Blog « A Scene From: BOY MEETS WORLD (Part 1) featuring Hillary Clinton […]


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