Sitcom Fan Fiction: BOY MEETS WORLD (Part 3) Featuring Hillary Clinton


A Scene From: BOY MEETS WORLD (Part 3)
By Jeffery Self

Previously on ‘Boy Meets World’ click here to read Part 1 and Part 2

We return from commercial, the next day, in Mr. Feeny (William Daniels)’s classroom. The class enters led by Corey Matthews (Ben Savage). Everyone is super high strung, on edge, hyper, way coked up. They take their seats; anxiously, nervously, eagerly. Mr. Feeny looks up from his desk at the highly energized youngsters. Shawn (Rider Strong) pulls Corey aside.

SHAWN:
(Seemingly not at all coked up in any way)

It looks like it’s working.

COREY:
Yea. Wait. Did you not do any?

SHAWN:
Oh. I did some. But…. my Mom did so many drugs when she was pregnant with me that it doesn’t really effect me anymore.

COREY:
Oh. Okay. Well, I’m gonna put the rest of the (with a wink, speaking in code) ‘cotton candy’ in my back pack. If anybody asks, we’re all out. If I don’t return the rest to my brother I’m gonna have to pay him SO much money, I won’t finish paying him off until college.

SHAWN:
Cool.

RANDOM BOY STUDENT:
(Coked up and rowdy)

Feeny!

ENTIRE CLASS JOINS HIM:
FEEEEE-NAAAAAYYYY!!!!!! (Like a football game chant) WOO WOO WOO!

Everyone begins a drumroll on their desks. Feeny is super confused.

MR. FEENY:
Okay. Thank you students. Uh. Quiet down. Lets open our books to chapter seven.

Everyone boos.

RANDOM BOY STUDENT:
We don’t wanna read anymore of that boring book!

ALL:
Yea!/Boring/Snooze fest/Come off it Feeny!

RANDOM BOY STUDENT:
We don’t wanna read at all! We want to PARTYYYYYY!!!!!!!

ALL:
YEA!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone gets out of their seats and begins dancing around and making noise.

COREY:
Hey! Hold on! Guys! This is a classroom and Mr. Feeny is trying to teach us about one of the most beloved works of literature in the history of the English language. We may not understand it now but this moment, this beautiful, insightful moment will be a time we look back on one day and think…. God. What an awesome teacher, I had.

Everyone boos.

COREY:
If you listen and pay attention for the next forty five minutes, I’ll give everybody more ‘cotton candy’ as soon as we get outta here!


Everyone cheers and gets out their school books. Just then Hillary Clinton still playing her guest cameo as interim Principal Bilgrew bursts in. At this point in the episode, Hillary is just counting the minute until this is all over and she can go home and file a lawsuit against the producers of ‘Boy Meets World’ and ABC Broadcasting Network. She is PISSED but has given up all hope of getting to leave, so she’s just trying to get through it and read the cue cards.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Whats going on in here? You’re all louder than a family of immigrants on a game show for winning citizenship.

She throws her hands up in the air at the staff off camera.

COREY:
The class is excited to read more of ‘The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’ thats what is going on here! All because of Mr. Feeny!

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Is that so, Feeny?

MR. FEENY:
Uh. Yea. I suppose it is.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Well. Then by all means…. carry on…..

MR. FEENY:
Okay. Class turn to page one hundred and forty two.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Psssst. Psssst. Matthews. Come here.

Corey, confused, walks to the back of the classroom to Principal Bilgrew.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
I need some ‘cotton candy’.

COREY:
What?

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
I’m told you’re the one to talk to for…. ‘cotton candy’….. and I need some…… now.

COREY:
I’m sorry, I don’t-

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Come on, kid. My guys outta town or ignoring my calls cause I owe four hundred bucks and I might have been involved in the death of his iguana….. but how was I to know that reptiles can’t eat plastic?! I’m not an encyclopedia on what reptiles CAN and CAN’T eat.

COREY:
Principal Bilgrew. I think you’ve got me confused with someone else.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Come off it, kid. I KNOW. Where do you think your brother slept last night?

COREY:
He said he crashed at his friend Tal’s.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
That’s what people call me. T-A-L.

COREY:
What does that stand for?

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Totally awesome labia. (This time she actually speaks to the staff off camera, totally enraged) OH COME ON GUYS!

Behind them, the classroom has gone out of control, the students are conducting a dance party, bumping and grinding. Mr. Feeny is shocked and doesn’t know what to do.

RANDOM BOY STUDENT:
Guys! Lets make a sock man!

RANDOM GIRL STUDENT:
How do we do that?!

RANDOM BOY STUDENT:
Everybody takes off their socks and we try to make them into a man!

ALL:
YEA!!!!!!!!

They proceed to do so. They’re completely out of control now.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Come on Corey! Come on! I NEED IT!

COREY:
No! You’re our Principal, I’m not gonna-

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
I’ll do whatever it takes. Whatever you can come up with, I’ve done worse. I promise.

COREY:
Look. I’m all out.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
I know its here, Matthews. I KNOW IT IS! I don’t think you’re aware of how far I’m willing to go. I am crazy, Corey. CRAZY. I’ve done things in my life that would make you grow hair on your chest. So come on!

COREY:
No, I can’t-

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
I’ve seen babies get born, I’ve seen babies NOT get born, I’ve watched the sun go down, and I’ve watched the sun rise so high you thought it couldn’t get any higher. You think I don’t know what a little innocent high school freshmen boy wants? You think I’m not wise to that? Well….. I am…. I AM wise to that….. I know just what you want….. and little Corey Matthews I am prepared to give it to you…..

She reads what is supposed to happen next on the cue card and stops. She turns to the camera completely breaking the fourth wall.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
(To the camera or director or producers)

What the? Are you kidding me? Are YOU kidding me? What the hell is this? NO. SERIOUSLY, JOHN! What is this? Who’s responsible here? Who? I want an answer or I’m gonna do that thing I do when I get mad.

A muffled voice off camera:
Uh. Me.

PRINCIPAL BILGREW:
Rachel? Get out of my face! GET OUT OF HERE. Go. You’re SO fired. You in the suit? Do you work on this show? You bring me here…. TGIF on ABC…. a Walt DISNEY company and you write this crazy part and expect me to do it? Do you know who I am? Yea of course you know who I am. You don’t live under a rock. I’m the First Fucking Lady of United Goddamn States of America, dude. SERIOUSLY. What is this?! Is no one on my staff reading these shit beforehand ? Are you guys awake over there? ARE YOU?
Nope.
I’m done. I’m DONE with this crap. CRAAAAAAAP.
Do you think I don’t have enough to worry about at home? Have you seen our approval ratings lately? HAVE YOU?! Do you know what Bill is like when he’s angry? DO YOU?! NO! You fucking DON’T know because you aren’t me and I AM!
(Ben Savage is staring at Hillary like…. WOW)

Oh Fuck Off, your brother does ‘The Wonder Years’ and you do this shit? COME ON! Where the fuck is he right now? Wiping his ass with hundred dollar bills? FUCK YOU. I am the First Lady, wanna know how that feels for someone who ought to be President? NOT GOOD! (Screaming like a maniac) NOOOOOT GOOOOOD!!!!!!! They parade me around like a fucking show pony, like I’ve got nothing to say to anybody but…. Happy Easter from the White House or Aw, Bill and I are delighted to see you or blah blah blah!
And then to come here and get disrespected like this….. its just….. y’know what? ABC you guys can pull your pants down and take a nice dry ride on my big fat black…. fuck you stick! NICE, HARD, AND SLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point her hair and make up are smeared in such a way that she looks like a monster. Just then she catches her own reflection on the monitors for the first time since her rampage began. She remembers this is live television and gasps. She rushes off camera. The cast is incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Nobody knows what to do. It’s quiet for a moment, then off camera we hear the director quietly speak:

DIRECTOR:
Uh. Guys. Lets just jump to the end of the episode with Corey and Feeny.

Everyone calmly moves off the set, violated and confused. Corey and Feeny take their places for the final moment of the show.

FEENY:
Thank you for your help today, Mr. Matthews. I didn’t realize you cared so much.

COREY:
What? Oh. It’s no big deal.

We hear something crash off camera and Hillary let out an ‘Arrrrgh!’ Corey and Feeny look off and then come back to the scene.

FEENY:
Y’know, I see a lot of you in Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn.

COREY:
Really?

FEENY:
Sure. determined, good natured, a little mischievous, but a good heart. Why don’t you try actually reading the book? You might enjoy it.

Again, off camera, we hear Hillary: No! YOU can suck my cock!

COREY:
Maybe I will, Mr. Feeny. Maybe I will.

Corey begins to exit. Mr. Feeny stops him.

MR. FEENY:
Oh. And Mr. Matthews?

Hillary walks by followed by her staff carrying all her bags and belongings. She is ashamed, in tears, and still sorta shaking. A staffer puts his hand on her shoulder. She is sobbing in that way thats difficult to listen to. Upsetting, loud, and invasive.

She’s gone.

MR. FEENY:
See you tomorrow.

The camera pans out.

End of episode

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2 Comments on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: BOY MEETS WORLD (Part 3) Featuring Hillary Clinton”

  1. David L Says:

    meh.

  2. Christopher K Says:

    love these Hillary-meets-Boy Meets World spoofs!


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