Sitcom Fan Fiction: LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (Part 1)


A Scene From: LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
By Jeffery Self


Theodore ‘Beaver’ Cleaver (Jerry Mathers) and his best friend, Larry Mondello (Robert ‘Rusty’ Stevens), arrive home from school. June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) is in the kitchen dressed to the nines in a large straw sun hat, gardening gloves, and a smart khaki suit. She looks like a perfectly planned magazine ad on ‘How to Garden’.

JUNE:
(Cheery and delightful)

Oh. Hello boys. Welcome home from school.

BEAVER:
Hi Mom.

LARRY:
Hi Mrs. Cleaver.

JUNE:
Can I get you something to drink?

LARRY:
I’ll take some juice-

JUNE:
(Shocked)

You’ll take some what?!

LARRY:
(Confused)

Juice?

JUNE:
Oh! (She laughs) I thought you said JEWS. ‘I’ll take some JEWS’ and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what you meant by that. Well….. actually I did have some rather graphic ideas but I won’t go into that. (To herself, darkly) An ordinary woman shouldn’t brainwash herself with the nightly news, June.

She pours the juice with a huge smile.

JUNE:
There ya go. I was just going outside to do some gardening.

BEAVER:
That’s quite a get up just to dig around in the dirt, Mom.

JUNE:
Well….. every effort must be taken. What if I went out there dressed in one of your father’s old work shirts and a pair of overalls…. and then somebody drove by and saw me?! Ha. Can you imagine…. what would happen then?

Beaver and Larry look at each other and shrug.

BEAVER:
No. What would happen then?

June thinks about it for a moment, then becomes visibly disturbed by the ideas she sees in her head. She rushes out the door frightened and overcome with nerves and terror.

LARRY:
Whats her problem?

BEAVER:
Huh?

LARRY:
Don’t you think she was a little edgy?

BEAVER:
No. She always gets nervous when she gardens because she says the dirt reminds her of her stepfather…. whatever that means.

LARRY:
Oh come on, Beav- she practically ran out of here. Do you think she’s in the midst of one of her ‘spells’?

BEAVER:
Spells?

LARRY:
Yea. Happens to my mom every month. There’s a point in each month my father calls the ‘look yourself in your room if you don’t wanna get hot corn chowder thrown at your face’ week.

BEAVER:
Why does he call it that?

LARRY:
Well…. you know how my Dad has that giant burn on his face?

BEAVER:
Yea. From the war.

LARRY:
Beav—- my Dad is left handed and has two flat feet-

BEAVER:
Then how did he fight in the war?

Larry shakes his head no.

BEAVER:
Then how did he get the burn- (Catching on) Ooooooooooh.

LARRY:
Yea. Oh.

BEAVER:
Well, my Mom isn’t like that.

LARRY:
Oh I don’t know….. she was pretty wacky when she ran out of here.

BEAVER:
Larry. Don’t talk about my Mom that way. Or any woman. You know as much about women as you do about salsa dancing.

LARRY:
Actually. I took two classes in salsa dancing when I was at summer camp. I wouldn’t say I’m GREAT at it but I wouldn’t say I’m a total novice y’know? But I do TOO know about women. More than you, thats for sure!

BEAVER:
(Brushing off this argument)

Oh please! Forget it. Help me look for a bike in these nickel ads.

Beaver produces a newspaper, and he and Larry begin to read through it looking for a bike.

LARRY:
I know a kid who tried to sell his family’s cat in the nickel ads.

BEAVER:
Why would he do a thing like that?

LARRY:
He wanted a dog. Hey. Listen to this. “Young and Lonely here. A Doris Day type. Tired of games. Looking to meet a real man. Call this number” WOW! Za Za ZOOM!

BEAVER:
Ah. Come on, Larry. Lets find me a bike.

LARRY:
Doris Day? I bet she’s got great knockers!

BEAVER:
Larry!

LARRY:
Oh what Beaver? You too chicken?

BEAVER:
Too chicken to what?

LARRY:
Call her!

BEAVER:
Call her?! We’re eleven years old.

LARRY:
So?

BEAVER:
SO! She says she’s looking for a real man and-

LARRY:
We’re more of a man than a lot of grown ups-

BEAVER:
But-

LARRY:
Take Mr. Terripot who plays the organ at church, we’re definitely more of a man than him!

BEAVER:
Well, duh. My MOM is more of a man than him, his first name is Mary-Elizabeth!

LARRY:
So….. a lot of grown ups out there aren’t nearly as grown up as us. Lets call her! Right now.

BEAVER:
What if my Mom hears us?!

LARRY:
Then we better do it now while she’s still out gardening!

BEAVER:
Uh…..

LARRY:
Do it!

BEAVER:
But-

LARRY:
Do it! Do it! Do it!

BEAVER:
Shhhh….. my Mom will hear you!

LARRY:
Then she’ll throw hot chowder on your face?

BEAVER:
No she wouldn’t do something like that-

LARRY:
Then what are you afraid of? CHICKEN!

BEAVER:
Fine!
(Very reluctantly dials the phone, Larry watches the door)

It’s ringing. (Someone answers) Hello? Uh…. is this….Young and Lonely? Hi. I’m…. uh….. (He looks at Larry in terror) Greg (He shrugs) You sound like…. uh…. a really nice lady….. with big knockers….. I said (awkwardly) neither of us are talkers…. uh….. tomorrow? Saturday? Lunch. Uh. Yea. I can…. do that….. (He looks over at Larry WHAT AM I DOING?) Sure. See ya then. (He hangs up) WHAT DID I JUST DO?!?!??!

LARRY:
You’re gonna have lunch with some Doris Day look alike!!!!!

BEAVER:
But I can’t-

LARRY:
Sure you can!

BEAVER:
But-

June reenters fighting off a fit of hysetical tears. She rushes to the sink.

JUNE:
Out of the way!!!!!!!!!

She begins diligently scrubbing a dirt stain off her shirt.

JUNE:
It’s not coming out!!!!!! OH NO!!!!! ITS NOT COMING OUT!!!!!!!!! ARGH!

BEAVER:
Whats wrong Mom?

JUNE:
(Panicing)

I was in the yard and I didn’t realize it was so muddy where I was kneeling and now this shirt is ruined! RUINED!!!!!!!!! (She takes a deep breath) You’re okay June. You’re a cactus full of water…. and that water is emotion and water is how we survive. (She breathes again) So yes. You’re alright.

She runs upstairs humming a peppy song like ‘Ring Around The Rosey’.

LARRY:
I’m telling you….. she’s in her ‘spell’ period.

BEAVER:
Oh please. Enough of this you being an authority on women business!

LARRY:
Well, if I were you I’d pay some attention because you’ve got a date tomorrow at noon!

Beaver slaps his palm to his forehead like: OH NO!

To be continued

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