Sitcom Fan Fiction: LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (Part 2)

A Scene From: LEAVER IT TO BEAVER (Part 2)

Previously on Leave It To Beaver Click HERE for Part 1

The next day, Wallace ‘Wally’ Cleaver (Tony Dow) is looking through a tattered book titled “YOU’RE THE MAN, DAMMIT! A HOW TO GUIDE FOR THE MODERN MAN OF THE 1920’S ON GETTING A GIRL” he stands in front of a mirror in his bedroom, talking to himself.

WALLY:
(Sweetly)

Hi Angela. No…. thats not it…. uh…. (Matter a fact) Angela, Tell me how you’re doing in five words or less. No….. (Like a lady) Oh Angela, how funny to run into you in the girls bathroom like this. (Weirded out by himself) What was that?!

There is a knock at the door. He opens it, Theodore ‘Beaver’ Cleaver (Jerry Mathers) and Larry Mondello (Robert ‘Rusty’ Stevens) enter.

BEAVER:
Jeeeeez. Whats that smell?

LARRY:
It smells like my Uncle Danny, without the cigarettes and whiskey.

BEAVER:
(Picking up a colgne bottle and reading the label)

Le Aurburn Spices Colgne? Sheesh. Do you think you’re wearing enough?!

WALLY:
Hey! Gimme that. (Earnestly) You shouldn’t take things that belong to someone else.

LARRY:
Why the colgne? The perfume? The come up to my bachelor pad and unfasten your caridgan, little mama?

BEAVER:
Larry!

LARRY:
Nobody puts on colgne without a reason. Just like the Japanese don’t come to America without a reason. Except in the case of the colgne, the reason is not to steal our jobs and overthrow our goverment.

WALLY:
I’ve got a date. With Angela Carmichael. She’s the most beautiful girl in school.

LARRY:
OOOOO Angela Carmichael! She lives down the street from me. Za Za Zoom!

WALLY:
Hey! Have some respect. So I want to make sure I do everything just right. If all goes well I’m gonna invite her to the Fall Fling.

BEAVER:
Wally, I wanted to ask you some advice because…. well, I’ve got a date today too.

WALLY:
You?!

BEAVER:
Yea….. Larry put me up to it.

WALLY:
With who?

BEAVER:
You don’t know her-

WALLY:
Maybe I do-

BEAVER:
Trust me. You don’t. But I’m nervous and don’t know what to do.

WALLY:
Aw. Beav- this means a lot to me…. this a big moment, the two of us…. bonding as men for the first time….. will it weird you out if I give you a hug?

BEAVER:
Uh. Sure.

Wally embraces Beaver. He continues to hold it.

BEAVER:
(Still in hug)

Okay. Thats good.

WALLY:
(Letting him go)

God. We’re growing up so fast. (To himself) Don’t cry, Baby Wally. Don’t cry.

BEAVER:
(Weirded out)

Yea…..

WALLY:
Well. Here. (He hands him the book he was reading earlier) This will teach you everything. It was Grandpa’s.

BEAVER:
(Reading the title out loud)

‘You’re the Man, Dammit! A How To Guide For the Modern Man of the 1920’s on getting a Girl’

WALLY:
I’ve learned a lot from it and I’m excited to apply the techniques with Angela!

BEAVER:
Gee thanks, Wally. (Reading a page) ‘We must not forget that women are not our equals on any intellelectual or physical playing ground….. it is our job to maintain this knowledge as a woman’s brain is, despite what airs she might give off, not powerful enough to maintain a 50/50 experience’

WALLY:
What I like about the book is its an easy read.

BEAVER:
Hmmmm…..

WALLY:
I’d say just read as much from that as you can, apply it to your date this afternoon, and you ought to be good to go.

BEAVER:
‘Men, especially when white, are the center of focus here….. let the woman know this from the first encounter, and onward’

WALLY:
I’ve gotta go! How do I look?

LARRY:
Like a guy who’s gonna see some tits today.

WALLY:
What?!

LARRY:
Nothing. You look great.

WALLY:
Good luck Wally. Read that book. You’ll be fine.

BEAVER:
But Wally….. didn’t Grandma hate Grandpa? Weren’t her dying words to Mom: ‘Whatever you do make sure he pays for the hell that was both my girlhood and adulthood’?

WALLY:
The ramblings of a dying woman…. you’ll remember she also told Dad she didn’t ENJOY doing the dishes every night. Ha. What a nut. See ya later, Beav! Good luck!

He struts out. Beaver and Larry sit down and begin reading the book.

To Be Continued

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