Sitcom Fan Fiction: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH


A Scene from: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH
By Jeffery Self

Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), is in her bedroom sorting through her closet pulling out different outfits to wear to school. Salem, her quick witted talking black cat is lounging on her bed watching.

SABRINA:
(Holding up two dresses)

Okay. The red one or the black one?

SALEM:
What message do you want to give this Harvey kid?

SABRINA:
Uh…. something like…. ‘I’m an attractive girl who you should realize is more than just a best friend to you…. take me to the dance because I think I’m in love with you.’

SALEM:
In that case I’d say, none of those dresses. Everything in that pile says ‘Eighth Grade Graduation’ or ‘I got this to wear to my Grandpa’s funeral so I feel weird about throwing it away’. You need something that says ‘Darkly Lit Supper Club in Venice’. Like this.

Magically Sabrina’s outfit turns into that of a 1920’s flapper.

SABRINA:
SALEM!

SALEM:
What? You don’t think that’d get his attention?

SABRINA:
I’ll wear the red one. Turn around, so I can change.

SALEM:
Its fine. I’m a cat.

SABRINA:
Yea and you were just a cat when you I caught you watching me on the toilet last night.

SALEM:
Some things are just worth it.

SABRINA:
Gross!

SALEM:
Look. Sabrina. I got turned into a cat a hundred years ago. My life is pretty terrible. I don’t have much but what I do have is a teenage girl who sometimes forgets I’m actually a very old man and will walk around her room in panties in front of me or sit on the pisser and forget I’m watching. It may not be much but its mine and like the old blind Canadian saying goes: you’ve got to embrace what you’ve got.

SABRINA:
(Disgusted)
I’ll change in the closet.

SALEM:
Why bother?

Magically Sabrina is now completely changed into the cute red dress she was going to put on in the closet. Sabrina’s Aunt Hilda (Caroline Rhea), a mid thirties wacky witch enters.

HILDA:
(Off camera)

Sabrina! Your friend Harvey is here.

SABRINA:
I’ll be down in a minute.

HILDA:
Take your time. Your Aunt Zelda is introducing him to Nancy.

SABRINA:
Who’s Nancy?

HILDA:
Oh. Last night we accidentally conjured up a South American Mountain Lion.

SABRINA:
Aunt Hilda!

HILDA:
Oh its fine. She’s as sweet as a pancake.

We hear an enormous roar from downstairs.

HILDA:
I better go check on them.

She exits quickly.

SABRINA:
(Nervous)

How do I look?!

SALEM:
I’d tap it.

SABRINA:
Salem!

SALEM:
Sorry. But yes. You look quite enticing…. if I were the kind of person who was into underaged girls.

SABRINA:
I’m nervous. Harvey has no clue that I like him. I mean, we’ve been best friends for all these years so he treats me like one of the guys.

SALEM:
Sounds like you just need to let him know you like him, Sabrina. He probably has no idea.

SABRINA:
You’re right. (She turns to go then stops) But how do I do that?

SALEM:
Well…. you could take the easy route.

SABRINA:
I’m not going down there topless, I told you!

SALEM:
No…. this.

He taps his paw on the spell book sitting on Sabrina’s bed.

SABRINA:
A spell?

SALEM:
A potion. Yes. To make him see you for more than a friend.

SABRINA:
I swore I wouldn’t use magic for this.

SALEM:
Fine. Suit yourself. But just remember most people at your school think you’re pretty weird so…. as far as your chances of getting another date go…. I’m gonna guess they’re on the slim side. Plus, and I don’t mean for this to offend you, you kinda give off a lesbian thing. Like an overall vibe. Y’know? Not that there’s anything wrong with that but still…. you do. I would just think twice before ruling out magic as an option here, thats all I’m saying. I mean if you-

SABRINA:
Fine! What page?!

SALEM:
Page one hundred and ninety two but I’ve taken the liberty to put together the potion myself. Here.

He produces a goblet.

SABRINA:
Salem. Thats so sweet of you.

SALEM:
In truth, it was left over from my own date last night.

SABRINA:
Date?

SALEM:
Well, not so much a date as much as this woman I attacked but once she took that potion, she seemed to enjoy my company.

There is a knock at the door. Harvey, a very cute teenage boy enters.

HARVEY:
Knock knock. Whats up?

SABRINA:
Sorry. I was just finishing getting ready.

HARVEY:
No problem. My sister takes two and a half hours to get dressed in the mornings. I’m pretty sure most of that time she spends crying in the mirror about that scar on her face.

SABRINA:
Makes sense. (Awkwardly) Hey, are you thirsty?

HARVEY:
Huh?

SABRINA:
Uh. I made this…. uh….. juice….. this morning….. its really good…. try it.

HARVEY:
Um. Okay. This doesn’t have anything to do with that mountain lion your aunts have got in the living room does it?

SABRINA:
Um. No.

HARVEY:
They kept telling me she was really sweet but to be honest, it really freaked me out. And not just because of what happened to my sister.

SABRINA:
Here. Have a seat and drink some of this juice while I put on my shoes.

Harvey sits down in a chair with the cup of juice. Sabrina begins to put on some shoes but carefully watches Harvey as he slowly sips the potion.

HARVEY:
Mmmm. Its good.

He starts to cough then suddenly, there is thunder and lightening and in a puff of smoke, Harvey magically transforms into Annette Benning.

SABRINA:
(Horrified)

Oh my God Annette Benning!

We hear the mountain lion roar again downstairs.

To be continued.

Advertisements
Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized

One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH”


  1. […] Jeffery Self's Blog « Sitcom Fan Fiction: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: