Sitcom Fan Fiction: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (Part 2)

A scene from: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (Part 2)
By Jeffery Self

Previously on SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH Click here for Part 1

We return from commercial right where we left off. Sabrina is standing in her bedroom staring down at where Harvey used to be before he transformed into Annette Bening. Annette Bening is seated in a sensible pants suit, confused, and coughing on the clearing smoke.

SABRINA:
Salem! What did you do?!

SALEM:
Nothing! I made the potion like it was supposed to be made.

ANNETTE:
Where am I?

SABRINA:
Give me the book! What page did you say this potion was on?

SALEM:
One hundred and ninety two.

Sabrina quickly flips through the spell book

ANNETTE:
Just a moment ago I got up from the brunch table at Barbara Bush’s house and went to the bathroom. All day I’ve been battling my guilt for brunching with Barbara Bush to begin with. I’ve been a registered Democrat since Vietnam but God, Barbara Bush knows how to make a frittata.

SABRINA:
(Pulling apart two pages from the book)

These pages are stuck together. How did this book get so sticky?

Embarrassed, Salem puts his head down.

SABRINA:
EEEEEW! Salem!

ANNETTE:
You guys aren’t gonna tell anybody, right? About why I woke up over at Barbara Bush’s house to begin with?

SABRINA:
(She gets the two pages pulled apart)

Oh no! Salem! I guess you got the two potions mixed up.

SALEM:
What potion was this?

SABRINA:
I guess it was this one: ‘Turn your true love into your favorite living female movie actress.’ That doesn’t make any sense. Annette Bening isn’t my favorite movie actress. I don’t think I’ve even seen any of her movies to begin with.

ANNETTE:
Hey!

SABRINA:
No offense. I’m only fifteen.

ANNETTE:
(As if this makes sense)

I’m only forty five!

Aunt Hilda enters holding some ice and a bandage on her wounded arm.

HILDA:
Is everything okay up here? I heard thunder. (Noticing Annette) Oh my God! Annette Bening!

ANNETTE:
(Thrilled to be recognized)

Hi!

HILDA:
Y’know what, the other day I watched ‘Postcards from the Edge’ again. I hadn’t seen it since it came out in theaters….. I’m dating myself here…. haha…. but I was SO surprised when you walked on the screen. I completely forgot you were in that movie to begin with!

ANNETTE:
Well, that was before things really blew up for me. Mike was so sweet to give me the part. They wanted Teri Hatcher.

HILDA:
Wow. Now thats some casting I can’t see working.

ANNETTE:
You said it. I didn’t.

SABRINA:
Aunt Hilda. Can I speak with you privately.

HILDA:
Sure. Be right back Ms. Bening.

They move away from Annette and Salem.

SABRINA:
I know I’m not supposed to use my magic for my personal business but-

HILDA:
But you wanted to try having a beak for a day? Sabrina, honey, its okay…. we’ve all done it but let me just say, you think having a beak is gonna be all sunshine and water slides but-

SABRINA:
No. I wanted to make Harvey see that I’m more than just his best friend, that I’m also a pretty girl and that I’m good enough to be asked to the dance.

HILDA:
Oh Sabrina. Honey. You don’t need magic to make a boy like you.

SABRINA:
But Harvey and I have known each other for so long that I thought, the only way he’d see me for more than a friend is if-

HILDA:
You turned into him Annette Bening?

SABRINA:
Well, thats where things went wrong?

We see Salem has attached himself to Annette Bening’s breasts.

ANNETTE:
(Trying to pry him away)

Get off of me! Get off of me!

SABRINA:
What do I do now?

HILDA:
With a potion like this it won’t be easy.

SABRINA:
Okay-

HILDA:
When you mix spells like this you must reverse them in a very special way….. in order to get Harvey to return to his normal self, you’ll have to make him fall in love with you as his current self.

SABRINA:
Meaning?

HILDA:
You have to make Annette Bening fall in love with you.

SABRINA:
How am I supposed to do that?

HILDA:
Thats up to you. Do whatever it is teenagers do. Go to the movies, to the mall, drive up to the top of Make Out Mountain and neck until the sun comes up….. just connect….. the mortal way. Get to know each other.

SABRINA:
And that’ll work.

HILDA:
Yes. Or at least, I hope so…. or else we’re gonna have a really hard time explaining things to both Harvey’s mother and Warren Beatty.

SABRINA:
Okay. Thanks Aunt Hilda. By the way, is your arm okay?

HILDA:
Oh yea. Nancy was a little hungry but we fed her some steaks we had in the freezer and she seems to have calmed down now. (Beat) Come to think of it, I haven’t heard make any noise for a very long time. I better go make sure your Aunt Zelda is okay. (Exiting) Zelda? Zelda?! Just say Yes if you’re alright?!

She’s gone. Sabrina awkwardly turns her attention to Annette Bening.

SABRINA:
So uh….. do you like going to the mall and stuff?

To be continued

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One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (Part 2)”

  1. franklyStefanie Says:

    Wow, Jeffery. When you decided to take on a Melissa Joan Heart sitcom again, I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t really sure if you could top your Clarissa Explains It All fic. But you’ve already done it and it’s only part two!


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