Sitcom Fan Fiction: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (Part 3)


A Scene From: SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH (Part 3)
By Jeffery Self

Previously on ‘Sabrina, The Teenage Witch’ Click here for Part 1 and Part 2

We return from commercial in the food court at the local mall. Various shoppers are passing by. Sabrina and Annette Bening enter with trays.

ANNETTE:
I’m not trying to be racist but those Japanese women with the goddamn samples on toothpicks don’t know the English meaning of the word NO.

SABRINA:
Yea but I guess you could eat a whole meal of just free samples in here if you really wanted.

ANNETTE:
Yea. But then you’d have to deal with all those fucking Japs. (Catching herself. A little embarrassed) Sorry.

SABRINA:
Is this table okay?

ANNETTE:
(Begins to sit down)

Sure.

Sabrina stops her and politely pulls out the chair for Annette

ANNETTE:
Uh. Thanks.

They sit awkwardly for a moment. Sabrina stares at her.

SABRINA:
So….. how is it?

ANNETTE:
How is what?

SABRINA:
Your lunch?

ANNETTE:
It’s fine. Its a Wendy’s Cheeseburger. I know what they taste like.

SABRINA:
(Trying really hard)

Isn’t that a great story? The Wendy’s thing I mean. Dave Thomas founds an entire fast food chain named after his daughter and then her face is on signs and cups and wrappers all over the world. Kinda neat, right?

ANNETTE:
Uh. Sure.

Annette quietly eats her burger and Sabrina watches on.

SABRINA:
You have really pretty eyes.

ANNETTE:
What?

SABRINA:
(Holds Annette’s hand)

I’ve had a really fun day today.

ANNETTE:
Me too.

SABRINA:
I mean, seeing ‘Before Sunset’, playing minitature golf, watching you buy clothes at Talbot’s….. this was maybe one of my favorite days.

ANNETTE:
I’m glad.

SABRINA:
(Handing her a cassette tape)

I made you this. It’s a mixed tape. I know that’s a little corny but all those songs really made me think of you.

ANNETTE:
Uh. Thanks?

Sabrina watches, expecting her wooing efforts to make Annette turn back into Harvey but nothing.

SABRINA:
I also wrote you this poem. Wanna hear it?

ANNETTE:
(Not really)

Uh sure.

SABRINA:
(Reading)

She walks by
And I think Golly Gee
How does something so beautiful
Manage to care about me?
Funny, kind, considerate
I just wish you’d see
That I’m more than just your friend
I’m also me.

Sabrina looks up at Annette, hopeful, Annette is pretty blank then-

A RANDOM PASSERBY:
Hey! Are you Annette Bening?

ANNETTE:
(Flattered)

Ha. I am. Yes.

RANDOM PASSERBY:
Hey, everybody! Look! It’s Annette Bening!

Immediately a crowd surrounds the table, there is a lot of commotion from camera phones, people asking for an autograph, people shouting her movie titles: ‘AMERICAN BEAUTY!’ ‘THE GREAT OUTDOORS!’ It suddenly turns into a high energy press conference

MAN:
Annette! Are you working on anything new?

ANOTHER MAN:
Are you still with Warren?

HEAVY SET WOMAN:
How do you stay looking so good?

LITTLE GIRL:
How old are you?

ANNETTE:
(Standing up in her food court chair)

Quiet down! All of you! Now. Lets have some order here! (Stomping on her chair with her foot) Order in the food court! Order in the food court! (She laughs hysterically at her own joke) Okay. One at a time. You m’am, the burn victim….. whats your question?

Sabrina ducks through the crowd and wanders over to a pay phone. She inserts some coins.

HILDA:
Hello?

SABRINA:
Aunt Hilda?! I’m trying everything. I took her to a romantic movie, I let her win in miniature golf, I bought her lunch, I made a mixed tape, I wrote a poem- nothing is working!

HILDA:
Get down! GET DOWN. Sorry, Sabrina. Nancy is in a fiesty mood.

SABRINA:
You still have that mountain lion in the house?

HILDA:
Yea. We had a plan about getting rid of her but it didn’t work.

SABRINA:
What was the plan?

HILDA:
Politely asking her to leave.

We hear an enormous roar.

HILDA:
(Rushed)

Okay. Sabrina. I think what you’re forgetting is that this is Annette Bening you’re trying to make fall in love with you…. Not Harvey or you or any other love sick teenager. This a well known movie star. A grown woman. Different things appeal to her. You’ve got to appeal to Annette Bening and nobody else.

SABRINA:
But should I-

HILDA:
(Terrified)

Okay! Sabrina! I gotta- (we hear Hilda scream, then the phone clicks)

SABRINA:
Hilda? Hilda?

She shrugs and hangs up the phone. Sabrina ducks her way into the crowd around Annette, who has now become incredibly comfortable with her adoring fans.

ANNETTE:
I used to be a Pinot Noir girl through and through but lately I’ve really given Shiraz a chance and now I’m feeling rather Pinot NOT!

She laughs proudly. The crowd giggles the way a crowd giggles when a famous person says something the famous person imagines to be clever.

A WOMAN:
Any thoughts on the news that Diane Lane has been confirmed to star in the Jane Goodall biopic?

The crowd lets out some surprised hub bub, Annette’s face goes white.

WOMAN::
Didn’t I read somewhere that was being written as a vehicle for you, Annette?

ANNETTE:
Excuse me?

WOMAN:
Yes. I just read it in Entertainment Weekly. It’s a cover story. There’s even a photo with Diane Lane and a chimpanzee.

ANNETTE:
(Trying to brush it off and play to her audience)

Are you sure thats not her daughter?

She cackles at her joke again. This time less like an amused starlet and more like a spooky witch.

WOMAN:
(Handing over the magazine)

Uh. I don’t think so.

Annette looks at it. Her eyes shoot into the cover like laser beams. We see the cover headline: ‘Diane Lane lands coveted Jane Goodall Biopic. Jokes Ms. Lane- Enough monkey-ing around, lets make the movie already!’ Annette stands, growing more and more furious by the minute. She begins breathing heavily. Her faces has now turned completely red, almost magenta, you get the sense that her head might explode.

A MAN:
Is it true that you found this script in the first place?

ANOTHER MAN:
Is it true that director Barry Levinson said you were too old for the part?

ANOTHER MAN:
Is it true that Diane Lane had a brief affair with your husband during the filming of ‘American Beauty’?

WOMAN:
Is it true that you haven’t spoken to Diane Lane since a cat fight in the gift suite at the BAFTA Awards?

The camera pans over to Sabrina who is watching on, she hears the voice of Aunt Hilda in her head:

HILDA:
(Voice in Sabrina’s head)

You’ve got to appeal to Annette Bening and no one else. You’ve got to appeal to Annette Bening and no one else.

Sabrina leaps up into a chair.

SABRINA:
(To the crowd)

HEY! QUIET DOWN! ALL OF YOU! The truth of the matter is Annette turned down the Jane Goodall movie for scheduling reasons.

The crowd gasps.

SABRINA:
She’ll be…. uh…. building a school for handicapped children in….. Japan.

The crowd gasps again. Sabrina looks, hopefully, at Annette Bening. Annette looks up very confused.

SABRINA:
(To the crowd)

And the rumors about Warren Beatty and Diane Lane’s affair are all tabloid fodder. Because…. because….. (Annette is now looking at her with hope) Diane Lane was born a man.

The crowd errupts into overwhelming hubbub

SABRINA:
(To the crowd)

YES! DIANE LANE WAS BORN A MAN! DIANE LANE WAS BORN A MAN!

The crowd joins her in the chant

EVERYONE:
DIANE LANE WAS BORN A MAN! DIANE LANE WAS BORN A MAN! DIANE LANE WAS BORN A MAN!

Annette looks over at Sabrina, overflowing with appreciation, happiness, and love. A single tear rolls down here cheek. She mouthes the words: ‘Thank You’ and then falls to the ground. The crowd gasps. Suddenly, in a cloud of smoke, Annette transforms back into Harvey. Harvey awakens confused and coughing. The crowd now bored without the presence of a celebrity shrugs and walk off to their regular lives.

HARVEY:
What am I doing on the floor of the mall food court?

SABRINA:
It’s a long story. Hey. Can I ask you something?

HARVEY:
Sure?

SABRINA:
Do you ever think about me as more than a frend?

HARVEY:
How so?

SABRINA:
Like…. as maybe somebody you’d take to the dance?

HARVEY:
You’d wanna go to the dance with ME?

SABRINA:
Uh. Yea. If you’d wanna go with me.

HARVEY:
Sabrina. Of course. I think you’re the prettiest girl in the whole school. I’ve just always thought that you-

Sabrina covers up his mouth to stop him from talking.

SABRINA:
Lets stop being so insecure.

She removes her hand and they kiss. Salem comes in.

HARVEY:
Oh my God. Is that a cat in the food court? This mall is so gross.

SABRINA:
Be right back.

Sabrina walks over to Salem.

SABRINA:
Salem! What are you doing here?

SALEM:
Two things. One. I always come to the mall and hide out in the fitting rooms at The Limited Too on Mondays.

SABRINA:
Gross.

SALEM:
And Two. Your Aunt Hilda is in the emergency room, it seems she tried to make Nancy, the mountain lion ride a bicycle.

SABRINA:
Is she gonna be alright?

SALEM:
Oh sure. They found the hand. She’ll be out in no time. I see you fixed the Annette Bening situation.

SABRINA:
Yea. And it turns out, Harvey wanted to take me to the dance all along.

SALEM:
Of course he did. And that should teach you a lesson. That you do NOT need magic for mortal problems.

SABRINA:
You’re right. Speaking of which. I was thinking about it and if you mixed up the potions and I turned Harvey into Annette Bening. Who did you turn your date into?

Susan Sarandon storms in.

SUSAN SARANDON:
Salem! Are you just going to leave me waiting in the car for twenty minutes?!

Sabrina and Salem share a look.

The end.

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