The truth about Michelle Pfeiffer and me.

The Truth about Michelle Pfeiffer and me

By Jeffery Self
September 22, 2028

To whom it may concern,

I’ve decided, after much deliberation, to address the ongoing public discussion about whats going on between Michelle Pfeiffer and I these days.

First, let me say, that I regard the time Michelle Pfeiffer and I spent together as some of the most enjoyable months of my life. Michelle and I challenged each other in a way that led us both to some pretty substantial self discoveries. For that, Michelle, I am eternally grateful.

However, things weren’t as sunny on the inside. Now, I am not going to endulge the tabloid rumors of Michelle Pfeiffer’s reckless addiction to Oxycoten and Ativan or the more surprising Chili Cheese Frito Lays….. I will however say that Michelle Pfeiffer has deep issues that only Michelle Pfeiffer is gonna be able to work out which as I told you more than once in our eight year tenure working together, that the working out can only happen when YOU are good and ready Michelle.

For those of you not in the know, and by that I mean those of you who haven’t turned on CBS at any point between 8 and 8:30PM on Wednesday nights anytime between the years of 2014 and just two months ago….. Michelle Pfeiffer co-starred as my Aunt Karen in the hit television sitcom ‘Just That Kinda Day’.

I am NOT here to blame Michelle Pfeiffer for the cancellation of our show. I know there were a great number of factors that went into this decision. I read the trades, our ratings weren’t great, I came to terms with that a LONG time ago. I knew we were in trouble being up against NBC’s Wednesday night reality titan ‘Helen Hunt Eats That’ Which is why I sought out my own film work and personal projects. I am pleased to say that these kind of opportunities have come from my own hard work and dedication, not from the connections Michelle Pfeiffer introduced me to. Which is why the cancellation of our little show, while heart breaking (I miss our make-up crew, which I still swear was the best in the business, I don’t care what ANYBODY says) is also a nice step forward in what I think is a really great direction for me.

I guess these whole Michelle Pfeiffer feud rumors started after I made that completely harmless comment on The Tonight Show about Michelle’s owing me all that money I loaned her during the foreclosure of her of her beautiful Malibu home and her beloved yacht, which she lovingly calls ‘Elizabeth Taylor’.

Look. Does Michelle Pfeiffer owe me money? Yes. A lot of it. But how much money is between Michelle Pfeiffer and I. No body else. Sorry. That’s personal business. When I loaned her that impressive 10.5 million dollars (with no interest whatsoever and no legitimate legal involvement, since, y’know she’s my friend and all) I knew I was making a pact with my colleague and emotional peer that would save her ass and warm my heart. The fact that Michelle has made absolutely NO payments whatsoever or any effort to do so, is not the business of national news programs or The Associated Press.

I am not here to humiliate Michelle Pfeiffer. I think she’s got it covered in that department. I am not here to promote the release of my sunglasses line in all Dillard’s and Macy’s Department Stores this coming Tuesday. I am not here to ask Michelle Pfeiffer’s lawyers to return the numerous messages left by me and my own personal counsel at Harvey, Rietman, and Schmitz. I am here to say simply this: I love having the platform that comes with being a public figure but I don’t like the maliciousness that comes with it. Michelle Pfeiffer and I will continue to handle our own personal matters ourselves (that is if her cell phone hasn’t been cut off, as it might seem to someone who’s left literally 44 messages this week, and 94 the week prior. Really Michelle this is getting out of hand). I think I speak for both Michelle and I when I thank you for your interest and dedication to our careers but when it comes to the ongoing process to get Michelle Pfeiffer to pay me that the whopping 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS I loaned her on August 10th, 2024 as we sat in that coffee shop in Culver City and I saw tears stream down her sad, sullen remainder of a face that once captured the hearts of the United States of America, and I knew it was my duty as a human being to help her…. but I ask you, the American people, that when it comes to all these things and what she does with toothpicks…. please, give us our privacy.

Thank you so much.


Jeffery Self

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One Comment on “The truth about Michelle Pfeiffer and me.”

  1. Malcolm Says:

    Honey, you did not mention the snoring. Around two o’clock in the morning and you’d think a MACK TRUCK was driving through your bedroom. Oy.

    Sorry she did not give you the money back. You should sue her for her nose since that’s where most of it went.


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