Barbara Walters with Candice Bergen


Here’s a transcript of an interview I’d like to see on 20/20.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Good evening and welcome to 20/20. Candice Bergen: actress, icon, and now pop culture phenomenon. Most of us remember Candice from her hit television show, ‘Murphy Brown’ or as a young Hollywood starlet of the seventies and eighties; but perhaps audiences today will only know her for one thing: the recent tabloid sensations that she has been hiding a big secret for a long time. I sat down with Candice Bergen at her home in Guatemala.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Hi Candice! This house is stunning.

CANDICE:
Thank you. I do love the place. When we bought it there was nothing but a dirt floor and some rickety walls. People thought we were just bonkers to buy the place but I could always see its charm, even under all that dirt- sorta how I feel about Mary Tyler Moore. I’m kidding! Edit that part out! Ha!

BARBARA WALTERS:
Well I think the place looks great. You’d never know there was any dirt at all…. not unlike with Mary Tyler Moore. Oh God! Mary is gonna have a fit when she sees this. Haha. SORRY, MARY! We love you. (To someone off camera) Can we actually edit those parts out? Mary will get her feelings hurt. You know how how she is. (Back to the interview) So. You buy this house in Guatemala. What were you thinking? I’m done with Hollywood? So long forever?

CANDICE:
Well, I never say forever. Whats that saying? The minute you say forever is the minute a chimpanzee rips your face off and eats it? Something like that. So no…. I don’t think I’m done with Hollywood forever, I don’t think any actress ever is. Look, if that grade A perfect script came along, I’d sell my first born to get to it first… and I’m not joking around about that either…. use her however you like but just give me that script. But I’m really happy here. It’s quiet, we have fresh papaya every morning, and the most delicious goat’s milk you’ve ever tasted.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Wow. Candice, I gotta say…. seeing YOU living in such a rural place is like seeing a basset hound eating caviar at the 21 Club!

CANDICE:
(With a wink)

Not to bring it back to Mary Tyler Moore!

BARBARA WALTERS:
Ha! Candice, stop that or else I’m just gonna be laughing through this whole interview tape.

CANDICE:
Sorry. I’ve been drinking all morning so I’m a little wound up.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Completely understood. So. Lets just get down to it. You know what the tabloids are saying. I know what the tabloids are saying. And most people in the world know what the tabloids are saying. So….. is it true?

CANDICE:
Wow. Barbara. Well. When the tabloids started writing about this, I really thought it would go away quickly. I mean, how interested could magazine readers be in ME? At this point, y’know? But. When the LA Times started calling me for interviews I realized this was blowing up. Fast.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Were you scared?

CANDICE:
Not scared. Overwhelmed, yes. But never scared.

BARBARA WALTERS:
And…. the rumors….. are they true?

CANDICE:
Well. For the most part yes. Yes, I have been covering up a large groundbreaking secret for the past sixty five years…. that I am, in fact, a robot.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Wow. (She takes her hand) Was it hard for you to say it out loud?

CANDICE:
It’s not easy, Barbara. Oh God. (She starts tearing up) I knew you were gonna do this to me. Can I get a tissue?

Someone off camera hands her a tissue.

CANDICE:
(Dabbing her tears)

Crying is actually really dangerous for me, because if I rust my wires at all…. there’s the threat of setting myself on fire.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Of course. Until now, who else has known?

CANDICE:
My husband. My dear sweet husband, who has had the burden of greasing my inner gears every night for the past forty two years. A few of the writers over at ‘Murphy’. Oh. And oddly enough, Reese Witherspoon.

BARBARA WALTERS:
(Profoundly)
Why, Reese?

CANDICE:
Because she saw me plug myself into my charger one night on the set of ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ and started asking questions. She’s a sweet girl but when it comes to robotics, stuff just goes over her head.

BARBARA WALTERS:
I can see that. Was there ever a moment in your career where being a robot hurt you?

CANDICE:
Oh sure. You’ve never seen me naked on film have you? I can’t work with magnets. There’s also the problem of picking up radio signals inside of my teeth. I was doing a kissing scene with Burt Reynolds and he pulled me aside and said; Candice, I’m pretty sure I just listened to the Knicks game inside your mouth. And I said: who won?

BARBARA WALTERS:
(She laughs)
I think you have a great attitude about this. Do you have any advice for young robots starting out in Hollywood? Do you think climate is any different for them?

CANDICE:
I think there’s been progress, yes but do I think the battle is over? No. Absolutely not. I’m sure one of these we’ll have a hunky leading man robot star or some rock star robot or some gorgeous Sandra Bullock looking robot win an Oscar but for now, there’s still a lot of work to be done.

BARBARA WALTERS:
(Takes her hand)

Well I think you’re brave. I think you’re marvelous. And I think you’re one of the most gorgeous robots in the whole world.

CANDICE:
(At first she accidentally beeps really loudly, she quickly pushes a button hidden under her hair)

Thanks, Barbara.

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One Comment on “Barbara Walters with Candice Bergen”

  1. Morgan Says:

    “Candice, I’m pretty sure I just listened to the Knicks game inside your mouth. And I said: who won?”

    marry me?!


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