Sitcom Fan Fiction: DESIGNING WOMEN (Part 2)


A Scene From: DESIGNING WOMEN (Part Two)
By Jeffery Self

Previously on Designing Women click here for PART ONE

The Sugarbaker living room. We pick up right where we left off. Charlene Frazier (Jean Smart), Mary Jo Shively (Annie Potts), and Julia Sugarbaker (Dixie Carter) are shocked. Staring at Mark.

CHARLENE:
My son?!

MARY JO:
Charlene doesn’t have a son. Charlene doesn’t have any kids. That’s like… her THING.

JULIA:
I’m afraid you have the wrong Charlene, young man.

MARK:
Oh. I’m sorry to bother you then. I guess I’ll be going….

CHARLENE:
Wait! There’s something I never told you girls. Something I was afraid to admit to y’all or to myself. I wasn’t always the Charlene Frazier you see before you. Y’know. Blond, mild mannered, the kind welcoming face that says ‘Have a seat and prop up your feet! You’ve earned it!’ No. I didn’t used to be that girl at all.

MARY JO:
Who were you? Jackie Collins?

CHARLENE:
Ha. I wish. I don’t think Jackie Collins ever wrestled a sixty two year old woman into the mud for her last cigarette. And I seriously doubt Jackie Collins is banned from entering Monteray County, Tennessee for another four years or until the lawsuit clears.

JULIA:
Lawsuit?

CHARLENE:
For a good portion of the late 1960’s I travelled around the Southeast following Conway Twitty. We weren’t the most clean cut group of folks that ever followed a third rate country singer around the southeast in a beat up station wagon we’d stolen from Mexicans in Louisana. We never did anything flat out illegal. I take that back…. we never did anything flat out illegal more than twice but we lived hard and partied even harder. Waking up in ditches, going to bed in river banks. Ha. That was some time. And in that time I met a lot of people. And by people I mean men. And by met I mean slept with.

MARY JO:
Charlene!

CHARLENE:
I didn’t say this was a time I’m proud of. In fact, its a time I’ve regretted every day since. That whole two year period is a strange blur in my memory.

MARY JO:
So you think in that time you….

CHARLENE:
Had a baby? Ha! Yes. I don’t remember much from that time…. I don’t remember the name of that little old lady I wrestled into the mud. Or the name of the town we were in when that McDonalds caught on fire. I don’t even remember that name of the little girl who the Ronald McDonald statue melted onto…. I guess I could just research small towns in northern Missippii that are home to somebody with a lifesize Ronald McDonald statue permantently melted onto their back…. but I’ve put that life behind me. I do remember one thing though…. and thats having you. I’ve thought about you every day since. Wondering if we’d ever see each other again.

MARK:
I never thought I’d find you. The orphanage had information on you living in Orlando, Florida.

CHARLENE:
Yea. That’s where Conway and I ended up before our big falling out and before the house burned down. I know what you’re thinking, why the hell did you guys set everything on fire? That’s Conway. Not me. Conway Twitty would set himself on fire if he could watch it. He just loves watching shit burn. His words not mine. After all that I moved back home and started over.

MARY JO:
Well, Mark honey. If you’re family to Charlene, you’re family to us. Can I get you anything? Some coffee? Tea?

MARK:
I’m alright. Thank you, ma’am. I actually came with a pretty big favor from my mama here.

CHARLENE:
A favor?

MARK:
Yea. I know this is all so sudden and overwhelming. Believe me, I’m overwhelmed too…. I mean, I for one had no idea Conway Twitty was pyromaniac.

MARY JO:
Me either-

MARK:
But I decided to come looking for you when I got some pretty scary news not long ago. This is so hard for me to say so I’ll just come out with it fast- I’ve gotta have an operation…. a pretty big one….. on my lungs….. and seeing as though I just now got out of the orphanage and you’re the only family I’ve got…. you’re the only place I could think to turn to.

CHARLENE:
Oh my God. Honey.

MARK:
I know you don’t have much and that you don’t even know me but…. you’re the only person I could think of to ask for help.

CHARLENE:
Well, of course. And of course I’ll help you. You’re my son. You’re family. I’m just so happy to see you. How much does this operation cost?

MARK:
Twelve thousand dollars.

CHARLENE:
Oh!

MARK:
I know it’s a lot. All of this is a lot to even think about right now. Maybe I ought to go and come back. Let you process all of this and then maybe you and me can go to dinner tonight?

CHARLENE:
(Dazed)
Okay.

MARK:
It’s really nice meeting all of you. Mama, I’ll see you around seven?

CHARLENE:
Okay.

Mark exits. Charlene sits dazed and shocked. Julia has watched Mark leave, suspiciously.

MARY JO:
Wow. Ain’t that something?The door opens and your life changes forever. Oh! I bet somebody ends up making a TV movie about you before all is said and done. Judy Davis will play Charlene and Jane Fonda is gonna play me. OH! Angelica Houston is gonna play you, Julia!

JULIA:
Angelica Houston isn’t playing anybody-

MARY JO:
Fine. You can have Jane Fonda.

JULIA:
No. Charlene. I know this is a hard to hear but don’t you think its a little odd that this young man appears out of nowhere and asks for twelve thousand dollars?

CHARLENE:
Well, he IS my son-

JULIA:
Yes. Your son from a time where you and Conway Twitty were running around setting churches on fire.

CHARLENE:
Oh no. Conway never once set fire to a church. He always said ‘Watching something burn down is more exciting than a private night with a set of teenage Japanese triplets but even I won’t set fire to something sacred like a church’

JULIA:
But don’t you think its all just a little bit weird?

CHARLENE:
Not really. Conway Twitty really like Japanese girls… and boys, on more than one occasion. But you didn’t hear that from me.

JULIA:
No. I mean….. I’d look into this a little further if I were you. Mark, the money, this ‘operation’.

CHARLENE:
Julia! How dare you! This boy is an orphan. MY orphan coming in off the street to ask for my help! And you’re sitting here calling him a crook?

JULIA:
I’m just saying, I don’t want you making any hasty decisions.

CHARLENE:
(Offended)

Well, thank you Julia. I’m so glad I have you here to make up my mind for me but I don’t think I need you this time. My son is family, and I’m gonna help my family.

Charlene storms out.

MARY JO:
So wait. Conway Twitty was a pyromaniac AND bisexual?

To be continued

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One Comment on “Sitcom Fan Fiction: DESIGNING WOMEN (Part 2)”


  1. […] Jeffery Self's Blog « Sitcom Fan Fiction: DESIGNING WOMEN (Part 2) […]


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