Monday with Stocks.


Hey bloggers.

It’s 11:41AM. Monday. It is gross outside my window. I’m dreading having to venture out into it. I can tell its gonna be that slightly humid grossness that makes that weird crevice in my chest get really sweaty. Not good. Not good at all.

I was just writing something that sucked so I stopped and decided to write a blog but as I’m often reminded, when you leave the house as infrequently as I do, there’s not much to write about. I mean…. I guess I could tell you the story about the TV in my bedroom and how it once belonged to a cast member from ‘Sabrina, The Teenage Witch’ (not telling you who! But I will openly divuldge that it was NOT Caroline Rhea)…. I could tell you about what is in my refridgerator but you probably all ready know about that- soy milk, peanut butter, a lamb’s heart….. so yea. I don’t really have ANYTHING to write about. Which is pretty disconcerting.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
Hey Hey Hey! Jeffery. Cool it, you dumb whore. You’re sounding really whiney.

JEFFERY:
But I’m not trying to sound whiney. I’d be happy to write about my ‘Sabrina, The Teenage Witch’ TV set and whats in my refrigerator…. though, spoiler alert- I don’t ACTUALLY have a lamb’s heart in there (I had to eat something for dinner last night- BADUMCHING!) I just mean to say that I don’t really have anything exciting to report on my blog today.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
Well I just think you’re sounding like some ‘woe is me dumbass’…. saying…. oh I have nothing to write about because I never leave the house and blah blah blah BLAH. Like I said to Nicci Kidman at Ruth Gordon’s Memorial Service- SHUT THE FUCK UP. You did do shit this weekend. I was there for a lot of it.

JEFFERY:
Oh. You’re right. You WERE there. On Saturday afternoon, you guys, I was so hungover from a dinner party I went to on Friday, that I laid around and watched movies all day. Besides ‘Big Business’ and ‘Drop Dead Gorgeous’…. I also watched ‘To Wong Foo With Love Julia Newmar’ and ‘First Wives Club’…..

STOCKARD CHANNING:
With the TV residuals I get from ‘First Wives Club’ I bought some Walt Disney DNA. Still not sure what I’m gonna do with it.

JEFFERY:
Wow.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
Y’know Jeffery…. sometimes, our minds and bodies NEED a time at home, laying around on the sofa, watching movies that comfort us. I’m not so sure you needed to eat like someone with a terminal illness but nonetheless….. you shouldn’t feel guilty for having an unproductive weekend. I’m unproductive all the time.

JEFFERY:
You? But you’ve been in like a billion movies.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
Haha. You’re right I certainly have been but sure. I love being unproductive sometimes. Nothing pleases me more than laying around during a Saturday ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ marathon.

JEFFERY:
You like that show?

STOCKARD CHANNING:
Oh. God. Its my life. (Beat) Haha. I guess its actually THEIR life but yea. I LOVE it.

JEFFERY:
Weird. I wouldn’t have guessed that about you.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
There’s a lot of shit you wouldn’t guess about me. For example, whats my ethnic background?

JEFFERY:
Hmmmm. Thats a good question. I don’t know.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
Exactly. Did you know I almost turned down ‘First Wives Club’?

JEFFERY:
Oh. Because it was such a small part?

STOCKARD CHANNING:
NO! Because Cry-Ane Keaton’s face pissed me off.

JEFFERY:
Stockard. That’s not a very nice thing to say.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
You’re right. And here are a few other ‘not nice things to say’…. 1. Vietnamese people are-

JEFFERY:
Wow. Wow. Wow Hold it now- I don’t want people reading my blog and thinking Stockard Channing is some nut case because that’s not true AND thats slander.

STOCKARD CHANNING:
You’re right. I’m sorry. They should see it!

You guys can’t see this, because it’s…. a blog…. but if this were a movie, A. it wouldn’t be very good but B. you would now see Stockard Channing unzip the one piece jumpsuit she’s wearing and literally step out of it. Underneath the jumpsuit, she has painted the movie posters for each major movie she’s ever done all over her naked body. Its sorta like how Golide Hawn was always painted with flowers and stuff on ‘Laugh In’ except…. this is Stockard Channing and its not flowers, its movie posters. She dances around, as if inspired by a loud jungle beat. Then dives into a pond. She disappears.

JEFFERY:
Haha. I think Stockard Channing was making a good point… not about Vietnamese people…. or Diane Keaton’s face- which I happen to think is perfect but that you can’t get hung up over lazy, unproductive weekends. Sometimes you really just need your sofa and movies with ladies. Thats where its at. Goldie, Diane, Bette, Lily, Blythe, and Stockard. Never ceasing to bring me comfort. No matter what.

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4 Comments on “Monday with Stocks.”

  1. Blake Says:

    Jenna Leigh Green?

  2. John Edward Orman Says:

    Ha… what did Nichole Kidman do at Ruth Gordon’s memorial service? Did it have something to Bud Cort or Hal Ashby? I’d like to see an altercation with Cat Stevensyusuf.

  3. James Says:

    I own Michelle Kwan’s microwave.

  4. Kate Says:

    aaaah “Big Business” is my FAVORITE movie. i need to whip out my VHS and watch it now.


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