Dear Nora Ephron


Dear Nora Ephron,

The other night I had a dream. I was walking down the street with my Mom in New York City. I guess she was in town visiting or something. She goes into a shop (Aldo’s Shoes on Seventh Avenue) and I’m waiting outside finishing up a phone call and out of the blue, you walk up to me.

Now, in the world of the dream I don’t recognize you, which is SO outrageous because I’m pretty sure I’d recognize you even if we were both in a darkly back room at a gay sex party. Not that you’d be at a gay sex party or that there are even dark rooms at gay sex parties. ARE there dark rooms at gay sex parties? I have no idea…. I’ve actually never been to a gay sex party believe it or not…. not that I’m the type of person who people would think had been to such a party. Am I? Ugh. Why am I asking you? You don’t even know me.

Anyways.

In the dream you walk over to me, and you’re dressed like you’ve been to a gym…. but not like gross and sweaty but like you were clearly at a fancy spa/gym. You had on trendy black work out clothes and your hair was pulled back. It was nothing like how you dress in interviews.

So you walk over to me and you’re like- ‘Hey Jeffery.’ and I go… ‘Uh…. hey.’

Because remember IN THE WORLD OF THE DREAM I don’t recognize you…. and I say…. this is gonna crack you up, Nora….
‘Oh. Are you Diane Sawyer?’

So…. a couple of things are weird about this being my response,aside from the fact that you and Diane Sawyer look NOTHING alike, there is also absolutely no reason that Diane Sawyer would approach me on the street unless I was holding up a giant glittery sign that read: DIANE SAWYER, I’VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU. OH AND MY NAME IS JEFFERY.

So…. it was a weird reaction to your approaching me.

You shook your head and laughed, as if this happens to you all the time and you smiled this really friendly smile at me and said ‘Haha. No Jeffery. I’m Nora Ephron.’

In the world of the dream, and I’m pretty sure this would happen in reality as well, I was overcome by this beautiful feeling of happiness. The best description I can muster up is ‘yellow’. Like a bright sunny yellow feeling. And my immediate reaction was to let out this high pitched yell of excitement and give you this enormous hug that sent us both toppling onto the pavement and laughing these deep bellied laughs on the ground. We fell with enormous force but also quite gracefully…. in a way that made me wonder why you’ve never done ‘Dancing With The Stars’. No seriously… I think you’d be surprisingly fantastic.

Then, like in one of your movies, my prescriptive changed to seeing us on the ground from a shot above. We were joyous like Harry and Sally, midway into the plot. We laughed and laughed. Then, my Mom appeared looking at me like ‘What the hell is Jeffery doing on the ground with this woman?’- or I dunno, maybe in the fucked up dream world she was also like ‘What the hell is Jeffery doing on the ground with Diane Sawyer?’

So we get up and I say, with this huge grin:

‘Mom! You’re not gonna believe this but this is NORA EPHRON!’

My mom then let out the same high pitched yell that I’d projected moments before and you kinda backed away like ‘Oh shit. I don’t wanna fall onto the pavement again.’ We shared an insider-y laugh about that.

You then told me, and my Mom, that you thought I was doing the right thing. That…. I should keep at it and that eventually it would really pay off. My Mom was so overjoyed and impressed with me, and as you walked away (you had lunch plans, naturally) I felt everything was right in the universe that all this shit I freak out about and worry about is worth it…. and that one day, a year or twenty years from now, it really will have been worth it.

I woke up. First, very worried that you might have hurt something when we fell onto the pavement like that. Then second, disappointed it all had been a dream.

Either way. I hope that I get to meet you someday, and if that ever happens I promise I won’t call you Diane Sawyer.

Sincerely,
jeffery self

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One Comment on “Dear Nora Ephron”

  1. Nim Says:

    Hi!
    My name is Nim -not really, sigh-, I´m from Mexico and I´m going to tell you a story(?)
    Today -or was yesterday?,idk- I was watching the new episode of 30rock -love it- and I saw you as Liz Lemon’s gay cousin and I practically died, you know… you’re so fucking cute :DD… I don´t know why I´m doing this anymore xDD.
    Anyways, you have a new rabid fanboy here :3 -jk ;_;… about the ‘rabid’ part, you know… right?-
    Byes :3!


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