a day in the life


Oprah called this morning.

And I broke the phone.

I broke the phone on purpose.

She’s been doing that a lot lately.

Calling me at five AM.

She’s on Central time, which is an hour behind me.

I mean, if she was on the West Coast I would understand it a little bit better.

When Rachel Ray was out in LA last summer, every night at 4AM, without fail, my phone would start playing Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’…. we programmed that into each other’s phones one night as a goof, after TP-ing Jane Pauley’s Connecticut place and drinking a handle of this tequilla Rachel had infused with grapefruit.

When Rachel was out in LA, I always answered. I understood that she wasn’t used to the whole three hour west coast time difference, plus with Rachel you never know if she needs bail money or just wants to gab.

But Oprah has NO excuse.

Oprah is one of the most powerful people alive. She travels around the world all the time. Shouldn’t she understand the importance of sleep? And restraints of time zones?

I’m not complaining about hearing from Oprah. AT ALL. I love talking to her and hell, I’ve been known to ‘accidentally’ call her at parties and leave stupid voicemails. There are few people that I enjoy drunk dialing more than Oprah Winfrey. Despite what she might have said in her recent Time Magazine interview, I think she gets a kick out of it.

But these 5AM phone calls have got to stop. I’m already staying up way too late, obsessing over the Golden Globes (I mean, its really just a honor to be nominated but still- these things have a way of getting in your head) and the release of my fragrance line, then by the time I get myself to sleep the phone starts ringing with Big Mama O’s name on the caller id.

If I ignore it, she just calls back…. you know the type…. so today I just took the bat I keep beside my bed in case Tim McGraw decides he wants to try and discuss our break up again….. and I beat the crap out of the phone until it was just a sad pile of broken plastic pieces and glass.

Was it worth the measly four extra hours of sleep?

To be honest. Yes.

Of course now, thats one more thing I’ve got to do today. Pick up my Golden Globes outfit, meet with Loreal, do my Vanity Fair cover, have lunch with my agent, guest on Letterman and now buy a new phone.

Oh. I suppose at some point I’ve also gotta call Oprah back.

God. Somedays I wonder why I even bother. Y’know?

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One Comment on “a day in the life”

  1. Jonathan Noah Says:

    I have the exact same problem.


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