My weekend at Correspondents Dinner!
The past two days have somehow gotten away from me and I’ve completely forgotten to blog about my weekend at The Correspondents Dinner in Washington, DC. I apologize for the delay but if my two day silence tells you anything…. it was QUITE the weekend. I suppose you have already heard some rumblings about what happened.
I hadn’t planned on going to the dinner this year. What with the new administration and the renovations of my new bathroom, I just decided this year would be best if I stayed home and watched reruns of ‘Wife Swap’ on Hulu like Joan London, Star Jones, and other people who no longer get invited do.
I’d cleared my schedule for the weekend to catch up on my DVR and eat my freaking brains out (no Zone diet and 8 Minute abs for me this weekend- JUST the DVR and a bag of Doritos!) when I got a text from Kim Kardashian. Texts from Kim Kardashian have led me into trouble before (I’m just NOW beginning to pay off the damage I did at the El Prado Museum in Madrid) but like a fool I texted her back because as my therapist as well as my mother tells me, Kim’s got me on a leash the size of a watch band.
She then went into pushy Kim mode and told me I simply HAD to come with her to the Correspondents Dinner. She said we’d make it a full fledged girlfriends weekend. Spa trips, buy some summer fashions…. Kim knows that all she has to say is ‘strappy sandals’ and I’m sold. Kim Kardashian knows me way too well. So before I knew it Kim’s SUV was outside and I was throwing whatever clothes I had laying around my townhouse into this reallllllly old duffle bag I’d gotten at a Gift Suite for the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards a million years ago. It was so long ago that Josh Hartnett had presented Best Movie and people knew who he was.
Kim slept most of the drive down to DC because apparently she’d had a big night on Thursday. Her details were foggy of what she’d done exactly but she did however have a burn the size of a grapefruit on her hand and Mickey Rourke hadn’t stopped texting her all morning.
We arrived in DC and checked into our suite at the Fairmont and Kim immediately started setting up our plans for the next forty eight hours. Friday night we stayed away from most of the political based events and crashed a party at Georgetown. Despite what you read in the tabloid columns yesterday, Kim and I did NOT get super drunk and make out for a group of eighteen year old boys in a hot tub. I don’t know how/where those rumors got started, or where those pictures (and viral video) came from but its simply bogus.
Saturday we sobered up (to be honest we really hadn’t slept- we just popped a couple Sudafed and Five Hour Energy Shots- Kim ought to be their spokesperson, she drinks them like they’re water or Chardonnay) and went to the WHC Garden Brunch. Talk about a starry affair. Gayle King. Chace Crawford. Kevin Jonas and his adorable new wife (who’s name I’ve forgotten but; honey, I’m serious about us doing ice cream sundaes at Serendipity and going handbag shopping sometime soon! Get my number from somebody!) It was a gorgeous afternoon and a really great hangover brunch (not sure if that was the chef’s original idea or not either way- Gayle King sure appreciated it too)
So of course Saturday night was the big dinner. Jay Leno made some jokes. Obama made some jokes. Justin Beiber was there pigging out on crab cakes like a pro. I wish I had something really crazy to report about what happened at the actual dinner but everyone was on pretty good behavior. That was…. until my incident with Kim.
I am not gonna indulge any of the speculations about what happened in the bathroom that night. What happened there was between Kim Kardashian and me. I will, however, tell you that the rumors of Kim and I having had our final falling out and our ongoing toxic relationship officially being over are true. I don’t wanna say too much without talking to my lawyers first. I’m flattered that this is the biggest story to come out of the Correspondents Dinner and honestly, a little shocked.
You’ll find out the whole story when you read my upcoming book about the weekend (Kim Kardashian and Me: Correspondents Dinner Freak Out. The True Story)…. coming out wherever books are sold in two weeks. I’ll also be sitting down with Larry King tonight and Oprah’s doing something NEXT Tuesday. I hope you’ll tune in.
But honestly guys, lets not let all this upstage the importance of the Correspondents Dinner and all the President had to say this weekend. We’re living in very exciting political times and I’d hate to see that overshadowed by my silly business with Kim or my upcoming book tour COMING TO A CITY NEAR YOU! Watch for my schedule in the coming days and maybe I’ll be in your town!
See ya soon America!